"...what have I become? My sweetest friend - everyone I know goes away in the end. You can have it all: My empire of dirt - I will let you down, I will make you hurt."

Worthless POS

I seriously haven't hated life this much in a LONG time.

I was thinking about a conversation I had with someone the other day, Re: relationships. 

His innocuous comment was that relationships need work. Nothing I haven't heard before. A common notion and I don't know, probably good advice. I am not someone who has any kind of experience in such matters. So I wouldn't know if it is or not.

what that says to me, and this is part of the problem - in order to be in a relationship, I have to change. The default version of me - what makes me me, my personality all the atoms and thoughts and cells, collectively known as "My Name" are not compatible with another human. I don't make the cut for companionship.

My initial reaction to that is why? Why is society ok with this concept? the colloquial response is, "relationships need work" - which is code for saying "you are such a shitty excuse for a human being, no one wants to be with you, you have to change who you are"

Nobody stops to ask why? Nobody takes a second to think "hang on, why is it universally accepted that if I expect any kind of success with another human being that *I* have to change?" Because it is always fucking one sided. People say "we have to work to make it work" ... then they sit back in their figurative chair, cross their legs and watch as YOU change who YOU are and they remain the same with NO effort at all. Why? Why is that ok? 

Do you know how many people I have murdered in my life? none. Not in reality anyway. Do you know how many cats I have tied up by their tails, covered with kerosene and lit on fire while I swung them from a pole? Exactly 0. That's in reality and in my imagination. 0. Granted, I do laugh my ass off at videos of babies getting knocked over by dogs, or being hit in the face by giant beach balls ... because that's just funny. Babies are uncoordinated and oblivious and it is funny to see them wipe out. Stoopid babies. But that just means I have a questionable sense of humor. Well, it's my sense of humor, it isn't meant to entertain anyone but me. My point here is, I'm not a bad person. I am just not the person other people want me to be. That  makes me incompatible and it means I need to change, according to everyone else. I guess if I want to do well in this game, I have to change. If I want to be a good member of society, I need to change. If I want to be a productive member of the family of humans, I really need to put forth the effort and make a change. Here's the problem with that... those things I just typed - they are from the perspective of other people. Why in the name of the magic zombie in the sky would I base my very existence on the perspective of OTHER PEOPLE? how does that make any sense at all? I'm not trying to be all separatist or xenophobic - I know there has to be some compromise, some effort in order for human beings to exist on the same planet and not live under a blanket of chaos. I'm not talking about a global scale.... or maybe I am. I don't fucking know anymore and I'm not sure it's worth the energy required to care. My good years are behind me anyway. Seven BILLION people - no one is siting around thinking "man, what I need is a dude who is passed his prime and really has nothing to bring to the table. And he should spend way too much time inside his head." so why should I change? Where is the fucking incentive? In fact I'm not sure what the point is in waking to a new day. I don't really see the appeal any more but every day it happens, not sure why but there it is