It's been a while... long enough for everything to change

Like a year since my last post, or something. Part of that has been because I have raged against google+. Call me an asshole but I don't think just because I have a google email account, that gives them the right to post any of my pics or information on any of their satellite companies' pages. e.g. my pictures on picasa.... fuck google. part of it has been because my life itself has changed. Not because of anything enacted, but sometimes things happen over which we have no control. This is one of those things. I'm not going to talk about it here because it's mine to deal with. Mainly I am posting this to test out the new interface and attempt to control as much of it as I can...

Recently, I have been using all the self control I can muster to keep from raging on people. Normally I don't have a lot of patience for stupidity, ignorance, sense of entitlement or the general malaise that comes with most of humanity, but recently .... it's been much worse. To the point where I pretty much have to shut down mentally until I can get to the gym, work through my anger and most times, after that, I feel great. But that's because I leave it all in the gym. If I had never started working out, I would probably be in prison for murder by now. Which brings me to another point - I was watching a YT video the other day on steroids. It was an email video, a viewer was writing in to get the opinion of this person. The general consensus was that steroids are ok as long as you don't imprint with them - in other words, he went on to say, don't let the steroids define you as a person, don't identify yourself with the size and body you get from using them because at some point, you will have to stop using them and you will lose the gains you made while on them. Once that happens, you will be sent in to an emotional tailspin, trying to figure out who you are because the person you see when you look in the mirror is not the person you expect to see....  ad infinitum. Well that's great and all, and I happen to agree, you shouldn't let an alien substance, whether it's steroids or botox or a new car or hair dye dictate or guide who you are as a person. But you can also apply this to literally anything - going to the gym in general, weight training, dieting, losing weight, having a tan, religion - nothing is permanent and at some point the thing you use to define yourself could and may possibly come to an abrupt end. Then what? So, how do we define who we are? If we don't use something we come in contact with every day, how are we to develop a personality? How do we know who we are? The alternative is to follow in the footsteps of Bodhidharma and live in a cave with no alien influences.... I don't know. While I have no intentions of doing steroids, I can't help but expand the point of view of this video to include all aspects of life....

Rage

It's morning breakfast rush, nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary. He walks down from his cube over to the canteen, like he does every morning, ready for the minor, insignificant, yet infuriating slight that invariably occurs due to the hateful combination of obliviousness and entitlement of people in general. The goal: to get a bagel and toast it and get out without any kind of interaction that would make him want to kill someone else. The result? Fail. He acquires his bagel. He moves to the toaster. Both are occupied. So he waits. Patiently, until one is free. As he starts to move forward, someone steps in front of him, steals his place. Inside him a nuclear bomb goes off. The person apparently had a moment of clarity, actualization, sentience and inquires, "Oh, I'm sorry, did I jump in front of you"? To which He replies "Yes, you did. It's fine." Attempting to keep up the ruse of tolerance. His expression is stoic. Inside he is a boiling cauldron of hate and destruction. He is not meant for human interaction. He has no time or desire to suffer these fools. In his head, he imagines a different world...

"Yeah, you moved in front of me. Fortunately for you, I'm in a decent mood today. See, none of you motherfuckers mean enough to me to worry about. The ONLY reason I don't murder each and every single one of you is because I don't want to have to spend the rest of my days in prison because I extinguished your worthless, miserable existence. THAT is how much I value your life. So yeah, the fact that you moved in front of me is infinitely insignificant. I've already caved in your skull in my head five different times with five different weapons, all of which are currently within my reach."

This is how he keeps his sanity.

Fog

Total strangers. Fuck them. Who are they? Nobody knows. And nobody cares. And that's how it should be, I guess. But what about people who aren't strangers? What about friends, acquaintances, people you know? You don't expect a total stranger to ask you if you need to talk... or to genuinely ask how you are doing. You wouldn't expect a total stranger to sit there patiently while you wax passionately about all the trouble in your life, about all the stupid shit that bothers you, about how you feel and why you just need someone to talk to. No, of course not. That'd be silly. Friends, however... fuck I don't know. I thought the way it worked, friends were supposed to be people you could talk to. People who would take time and stop what they were doing to make time for you, if you needed it. And not get annoyed if you accidentally start talking at the same time they do. Friends, I thought, were supposed to be there for each other. Be empathetic. Care, worry, be concerned for each other. If some stranger dies do I really give a shit? No. I don't know that person and me caring isn't going to change anything one way or another, so I'd rather not waste the energy. Some chick murdered her boyfriend? I don't care. Some women escaped after being kidnapped for years, or something like that? Really just don't give a shit. I don't know any of them and could literally not care less. Now. As apathy-laden as I am for strangers, I am at least as empathetic toward my friends. If I'm in the middle of something I really enjoy and a friend calls I will stop what I'm doing and give them my full, undivided attention, and not even get annoyed. Because they need me at that moment. I will listen on the phone, attentively, for hours if need be, to their problems, how they feel about things, their stressful times, just because they need someone at that moment to vent to. I will support them in any venture they choose. Do you know what I have come to realize? The opposite is not always... actually, the opposite is rarely true. I honestly don't remember the last time anyone was there for me. How the fuck is that fair? If I'm listening to you complain and vent to me for an hour and a half on the phone, do I not get to say anything? Apparently that's the way of things because if I happen to comment, and you continue the sentence you were just saying, and I ACCIDENTALLY interrupt you, I get this irritated sigh, as if your tolerance for me is nearly at it's end. Oh. I'm sorry. Excuse the fuck out of me. I thought I was a human being. "I don't really have time right now" - that's the fucking response I get when I need someone to talk to. I guess it doesn't fucking matter. It's not a two way street. I am here for the benefit of other fucking people and nothing more. Fine. I can do that shit. You want me to not bother you? You've obviously never seen how determined a scorpio can be when he sets his mind to something. Years from now when you wonder just what the fuck happened, maybe you should take a moment and examine your life. Your actions, your decisions. Maybe once in a fucking while, take time to be there for someone who might need you. Open your fucking eyes and see when someone else needs help. You talk about being invisible? You say that you feel as though people ignore you and just don't see you there? And only really acknowledge you when they need something? Yeah, I can relate to that. Except much closer to home. This is why I hate people. Fucking selfish, egocentric, short sided opportunists. And apparently that applies to everyone a little. But hey, now that I know that, I can move through life more prepared. No more lasting connections for me. No more deep bonds. No more soulful experiences. Fuck all that noise. Apparently that was all in my imagination. It apparently wasn't mutual. This just means I can let the inner asshole motherfucker that I usually try to keep suppressed, out all the time now. SO FUCK YOU ALL.

As it turns out...

I heard someone opining the other day about how guys always say "girls/women always go after the guy who will treat them like shit" or girls will say "guys always go after the easy girl ... " ad infinitum, and their point was that while that may be the case once in a while, the fact is that most of the time the guy or girl in this scenario has just tried to pick up or be picked up by someone who was way out of his or her league. I think I may have to agree with this. I have a lot of respect for this person and value their opinion. And when I apply this formula to my own past experiences, it holds true. Unfortunately, that sobers things up a bit, levels the playing field and exposes a rather harsh truth: the fact that if you are one of the people who feel this way (as was I), you haven't met the right person yet, and there exists the very real possibility that you will not. Therefore, you have to prepare yourself for one of three eventualities: Either change your entire perspective on life, get used to being alone, or be ok with settling for less than what you think you deserve or see yourself with, just to keep from being alone.

Unfortunately, for me, it exposes an even more harsh truth: I am not sure I can successfully be in a relationship. The very idea of spending time around people, hanging out with someone for several days in a row, not having any time to myself - it fills me with a sense of anxiety and stress. It gets hard to breathe, and the idea that in order to be in a relationship, I have to give up this time, really does not appeal to me. Which is weird. There are so many times when I lament about being alone. But if I really hated being alone so much, would the prospect of spending time with other human beings, several nights in a row, really upset me so much? After working all day, busting my ass in the gym, putting up with all the retards who sit around me, dealing with irate users and machines that live to cause me stress, all I want when I get home is quiet. I want to be able to be silent, not have to talk to anyone, or acknowledge anyone, not have to listen, or entertain or be responsible for anything other than whatever I plan to do in the next moment. And that brings up something else - I don't think I like being responsible for someone else's happiness. it just seems like a really bad idea, given how moody I am at times. There are times I don't even like myself. I don't know. It's a work in progress and I'm trying really hard to suppress all this negative shit. It's manifesting in strange ways though - bad decisions on my part, failures, (which shall never be discussed on this medium) mis-communications, boring routines, etc. Naturally I see this as just more proof that I should not willingly mingle with human beings. I'm just not like them. Nothing good can come of it.

The shit of it all

What's the point? Have you ever asked yourself that question? For me, the answer is obvious: Morbid Curiosity. I need to see what the next fucked up thing life will swing my way. My job. I am where I will be. There is no promotions. Not for what I do. And unless you are in the upper echelons of management, I am not sure "promotions" are a real thing anyway. Not in the sense that most people know them anyway. I think most modern promotions are basically just added responsibility with no increase in pay. So, what's the point? You have to pay your bills... but how much of your bills are in support of or because of your job? And if you boil it down, why would you want that kind of life anyway? Humans are supposed to be LIVING life... not just existing, not just getting by... the majority of us don't ever have that opportunity. By the time we've worked long enough and hard enough to get to a point where we can, financially, enjoy life, we're old. Well I'm old anyway. And I'm nowhere near financially able to enjoy life. I can't even afford to take a vacation. I've never really been able to wrap my mind around that anyway - go somewhere, pay hundreds to thousands of dollars a week to sleep in a hotel because it happens to be by an ocean... or close to an ocean. It's just another example of how I do not belong in the ranks of the mass retards that walk this planet. I swear, the more I am around people and the more I tell myself I can handle the overheard stories about their annoying kids or deal with seeing them out in public in their fucking pajamas, the more I seriously do not want to be part of this population. And forget trying to reach out to someone on any kind of personal, emotional level - WITHOUT FAIL, people's selfish tendencies kick in and they take your moment of weakness, your one moment where you open up to someone, you take the advice of friends and reach out to another human being and they take that opportunity to piss on your need. So fuck em. Fuck them every one. Seriously - a cabin in the mountains by myself is sounding better and better all the time.

Purpose

If Purpose is what drives us as a person, and we have no purpose, then we are ultimately not going anywhere.

I have often wondered what purpose humanity serves, aside from just existing. Is it a requirement that we serve a purpose? or is it just enough to exist? if you examine that thought process on more of a granular level, then you can theorize that if no one in an entire society served a single purpose, and opted instead for the "simply existing" role, that society would rapidly collapse. I think humans in general need to feel as though they are needed. Like their existence means something. There is a reason they are here. A purpose. Otherwise, a person's life has no meaning, and therefore their actions have no consequences. If a cog in a machine has no purpose, then the absence of said cog would not be missed. It could fall apart, it could blip out of existence, it could just simply rust away over in a dark corner - none of it would matter. So we need to feel needed. Otherwise, ... well I suppose the more driven, more determined members of humanity would be inspired and challenged to push that much harder to find a purpose. But I would be willing to wager half the population, maybe more, would just commit suicide. Especially in modern times, where most of the people alive exist in a "entitled" state of mind where everything should be for their taking, with minimal effort from them. The funny thing is, I am not sure how many people would even understand where I'm coming from by writing this. I think I am biased toward the negative, cynical thought processes of life. But when you see negative examples of things that could have a happy, positive outcome, and it happens over, and over, and OVER again, one begins to wonder what the point in even trying to be positive is. For example - imagine, if you will, a race of aliens. Through a fluke of science, they just flashed in to existence one day. One minute they were not there, and the next they simply were. All of which were asexual - no gender difference, no ability to procreate. What purpose would that race serve? There may very well be one, but in my negative bias, as soon as this race blipped in to being, they began the demise of their lives. They serve no purpose and there is no reason why they shouldn't be dead. Whatever. I'm too tired to give much of a fuck right now.

confusion

Different levels of trust or is it an all or nothing thing? I've never really thought about it before. Can you "sort of" trust someone? Are there different degrees of trust? Is it fair to either trust someone completely or not at all? I think ultimately, it has to be this way - while I don't believe in levels or degrees of trust, on the way to trusting someone, you are building it up - like a ramp, the pinnacle of which is complete and total trust. Seems like every time I am on that ramp something happens to knock me off of it. So, I guess the real question is, why the fuck do I keep trying to get back on it? What's the point? can anyone ever be totally trusted? I'm beginning to think probably not. What's the point? I am apparently a relic from a long since dead time. I don't belong on this planet with these humans. I do not see as they see, I do not live as they live, I do not believe as they believe. I do not feel as they feel. I consider my actions. I try to imagine how those actions will affect others in my life. No, I don't always get it right. But at least I try. I'm just sick of the bullshit. I'm sick of all the half-attempts disguised as earnest. I'm sick of people being able to look me directly in the eyes and lie without blinking. What fucking happened to the social conscious - to morals, to even a tenuous connection to what is right and wrong? I can admit when I am wrong, I can take responsibility and blame for my actions. I'm not trying to push all fault away from me. I'm just tired of trying to keep my negativity, my cynicism, my hatred and disdain for people in general and their naturally selfish tendencies, at bay. I'm tired of allowing myself to believe, like some simple fool, that I can have a normal relationship. And that people mean what they say and act on good intentions. Nobody does anything not born of some kind of selfish origin. If you hold out your hand to help your fellow man, it will be lopped off without even so much as an acknowledgement or blink of an eye. I'm about finished with this world. With this existence. I'm ready to move on. It's just the same shit over and over at this point. And all of it is bad.

That time of year again

I despise this time of year. And I'm going to use this moment to try and put some words down and maybe get a handle on these... things I'm feeling. Normally, I don't like this time of year because it seems to be geared toward couples almost as much as valentine's day. I just loathe christmas. Actually, that isn't true. I loathe what christmas has turned in to. As a child it represented a magical time of year. I don't really care about presents, not receiving them anyway. I do like to give, see the look on someone's face when they open the present and it's something personal, something perfect, something that only someone who had been paying attention could possibly have known about. But what christmas represented to me a a kid was this magical wintertime wonderland. There were decorations, the smell of cinnamon in the air, seems as though with most of my memories of childhood christmas, there was snow on the ground, it was cold and the warm house decorated with all the wreaths and garland and lights represented a special kind of solace from the cold, but also from the troubles of the world. I always dreamed of having that kind of christmas when I got older. Me and my family in my house... oddly enough, the "family" in this hypothetical scenario was always faceless. IDK who they were. And I am certain that family does not exist now. Nor are they going to. Regardless, I hate this time of year. Nobody seems to try to want the christmas from times passed. All they seem to care about is how much money was spent, and to whom and for what. Or why doesn't he want his picture taken? that was rude of him. Or he didn't even act like we were there. Or it seemed like it bothered him to try and have a conversation with him. Hmmm, maybe if some people would have a bit of god damned self awareness and see the fucking situation around them before assuming things are as they have them figured in their minds. Maybe I didn't want my fucking picture taken because it's MY GODDAMNED PREROGATIVE. Maybe I resented the fact that my family basically had to have two christmas dinners because someone just couldn't make it out when the rest of us did. And maybe I didn't wish to acknowledge this person's existence because if I had, I would probably have exploded all over this person, thus ruining xmas for my mom. So, I answered your questions, I acknowledged your miserable attempts at conversation, DESPITE the fact that I was in the middle of a conversation WITH SOMEONE ELSE at the time. But fuck it, you know? This is apparently your fucking world and we're all here because you wish it. So go right ahead, insert yourself in to whatever fucking conversation you wish. Hmm, interesting. These aren't the particular feelings I was trying to get a handle on. Odd that these just sort of poured out. Hey, I'm ok with what went down sunday. I slept fine last night. But to be honest, I've never really been that close to my brother or sister anyway. I just believe that casual relationships between people are a waste of time. Well this certainly was a random bit of stream of consciousness. I think the lesson I learned with the coming and passing of xmas 2012, I REALLY don't need a lot of people in my life, for their benefit as much as it is mine. The less people in my life, the less fucked up things can get, the less drama, the less bullshit and the less I feel the need to go fucking ballistic on some dumbasses. The less I hate people in general. Which is good. Because I already hate people. :)

Hard To Change

It should have been easy
to say the things I needed to say
It should have been easy
To just get up and walk away
It should have been easy
to say hello and let you in
It should have been easy
for me to be like other men
It should have been easy
to just step outside of the world in my head
It should have been easy
to let you bring me back from the dead
It should have been easy
to make a start together with you
It should have been easy
to do the things you want to do
It should have been easy
for me to be the man I am
It should have been easy
to see the face and take the hand
I don't know how to be that guy
I don't know why I am this shy
I don't know how to let you in
I don't know where I should begin
I don't know why this is my way
I don't know how this day to change
I don't know if I will ever know
I don't know how but I know you know

Shane 121712

End of an era

I said goodbye to a friend of 8+ years a few days ago. I probably should have written about this before now, but to be honest, I haven't truly been affected by this yet. Not really sure what's taking so long. The fact this person is no longer in my life should matter to me. The reason behind the circumstances matters more to me than the actual absence. I'm a private person. Very much so, in fact. I may seem personable and able to carry on conversations with complete strangers, share stories in a social setting and generally appear to fit it - it's all a facade. Skills I have developed to keep all my secrets, secret. But not everyone gets this. Even friends of 8+ years. Bottom line, I don't want anyone to have any information about me that I did not specifically give them. I don't care if you have a girlfriend and you feel like she is the exception to every rule. I don't care if the only other life form in your miserable existence is a puppy, who as far as you know, can't talk - don't tell it anything about my personal life...

Like facebook, for example - I don't post anything on there that I don't want people to see... and from now on, that is how I will approach life and people and so-called friends. I almost wonder if there is anyone I can actually trust. Trust comes hard for me anyway... why must some people be retarded and decide to wipe their ass with that trust and throw it away? So ultimately, I think I'm more pissed at myself for having human feelings and emotions and allowing myself to be one of them for a time - it came back to bite me, and proved that I am not to meant to walk among them and be as they are. I am not the same as them, no matter how hard I try, and that keeps being proven to me over and over again. I don't feel as they do, I do not see as they do, believe as they do, and ultimately none of it matters.