Hail, hail, the gang's...wait, where's the gang?

So, I turned 40 yesterday. I don't care about the fanfare, I don't care about who remembered, or who forgot, I don't even really care that it marks the 14,600th day I have been alive. What does concern me, what does bother me what I loathe about that day - 40 is a milestone, a stigma in most people's perception... I am officially old. "Forty is the new Thirty". No, no it isn't. And Thirty isn't the new Twenty, either. Nobody says that, or believes it, except for the people who don't want to be forty, or thirty, or fifty. They are the only ones saying/believing that. To that point, apparently there is a television show called "things to do when you're 40", in which they officially stated, for the record that "40 represents the end of your youth". So, I am officially old. I have more gray in my hair than I have ever had on my head. I have gray hair on my chest. I have gray hair on my balls. Worst part is, companionship. My future is populated by either prostitutes, or single mothers, or nobody. Naturally I will go with nobody. Prostitutes are too expensive, and I don't find the notion of "steady supply of income for me and my kids" to be that appealing. I have no desire whatsoever to be an ATM to anyone. And there aren't any normal women out there who are actively looking for a 40 year old guy. Even if he is in the best shape of his life. And in better shape than a lot of 18-30 year olds. None of that matters. This is going to be a shitty year. Yay.

It's Not For You, Uther...

Hmmff. Yet another obscure reference that no one I know would get. Regardless. What it's about - perception. I had another mildish epiphany the other night. And as much as I hate to admit this, life is about as good or crappy as you make it to be. I'm not one of those "glass half-full" kinds of people... so it is difficult for me. What I'm getting on about is how something may appear to be a negative, or a rejection when in fact, it isn't. There is someone I know. Example? ok. There is person A. I want to have a certain type of relationship with Person A. But ultimately, I am Person A's Computer/IT guy. She always comes to me with pc problems. And I always fix them. We are on a friendly basis. And I entertain her. By that I mean I amuse her. I make her laugh. I entertain her. But she says things to me - comments. Like I pointed this out to her one night - that I was just a source of entertainment for her. Her response? "You don't know that". As if to imply that I meant something else to her and she just hadn't expressed it. Ultimately, it doesn't matter - leading coy responses or not, in reality I am her computer guy and nothing else. I have attempted to flirt with her and make comments about going out on dates, etc. They are always - politely - ignored, or brushed away. I recognize this pattern of conversation tactics b/c I am a master of it. Changing the subject  to something the person wants to talk about so as to get them away from something you do not want to discuss. So anyway... bottom line is we are on friendly terms, there is nothing bad about our association... it isn't a rejection or a negative... it is just not the positive or acceptance I was hoping for. And that is the point that is buried in all this shit. While an outcome of any given situation may not be what you wanted it to be, or hoped it would be, that doesn't necessarily mean it is automatically a negative. Unfortunately, in the gray lizard world of a Scorpio, if it isn't the positive we wanted, it absolutely is a negative, because anything less than what we expected is a failure on our part. That, and the self destructive tendencies of the Gray Lizard is why i am trying to side more with the Phoenix aspect of scorpios... but believe it or not, it is hard.

I hate when I am like this. I need to write about something, but I am not really focused enough on any one thing to opine about it. I have a poem about half composed sitting around in my head... not inspired enough to finish it. I'm tired of my life and its current iteration. It's a lot more difficult to actually do something and change your life, than it is to explain that concept to someone else who is tired of their life and its current iteration. I am tired of being alone, which is even more difficult to address/remedy than changing one's life, because it requires the cooperation of another individual. And not in the "sure, I'll help you move a couch" cooperation, actual, empathizing, preferably long-term mutual, symbiotic cooperation. So that is right out.

People, as a whole, I believe, are selfish. By our very nature. The majority of what we do is self serving. There are very few people who go against the grain on this. I've only ever met two. It is in people's nature to be selfish - "gotta get mine before someone else takes it" sort of mental. I suppose that goes back to when we all lived in caves and there may or may not have been enough to go around and life wasn't really fair. Consider this scenario - two people meet, strike up a conversation, discover they are very compatible. Why? What brought these two people together? Mutual selfishness. Each person's desire to satisfy their curiosity, their need, their attraction. Nobody ever does anything because it will benefit someone else... every action we have, every thought, every step we take as a human being, is because it will benefit us in some way. If it happens to help someone else along the way, great. So "Bob" donates money to Ethiopia? Awesome. It isn't because of starving children, it's so "bob" can feel good about himself. "Bob" must have a pretty fucked up life if he feels the need to go to those lengths to feel good about himself.

But we're damned if we do, damned if we don't... when you meet someone - "I want to get to know her," "I want to smell her hair," "I want to ask her out" - all satisfies some need deep inside yourself for something you want: selfish. However, if you approach it from the polar opposite perspective "I want her to get to know me", "I want her to see my body", "I want to give her the opportunity to go out with me" - then you're just a dick. A self-centered, probably egotistical jerk. So what then? Is there really a point to try and better ourselves? Is there any need to be introspective? Do we as a people even need to try? There are some people who aren't really even sentient enough to be self-aware, hardly... I guess to those people none of this matters and, in fact, they would probably have been lost after the first 4 words of this post. Eyes glazed over, drool coming out of their mouth, horrible visions flashing in in their mind...

So then, if all this is true, and we're either selfish or egotistical, then does that mean that there really are no "perfect matches" for people? No "Ideal" mates one way or another? Does that mean that people who have standards and stick to them, shouldn't bother? Because wouldn't that make that person a hypocrite? OR does it mean that I over analyze EVERYGODAMNTHING too much and will probably ruin any and every relationship that I have because of it. Yeaaah... you sleep well little bunny...

Raise Your Weapons

So, I was driving home yesterday. I have a lot of time to think while driving back and forth to work/home. I have always sort of had a child-like optimism... or maybe outlook is a better way of thinking of it. I could always be totally amazed by the possibilities of what the next moment may hold. The mystery, intrigue, curiosity. All because I didn't know what was about to happen in the very next moment. I think I may be losing that. I think I am finally getting to the point where I know the very next moment holds no mystery... all the possibilities are carved down to knowing that the very next moment will probably be just like this one. And the moment after that, the week after, the month after and this time next year, very little will probably have changed. That is depressing and if that is the way things are going to be, what's the point? That's boring. And for the life of me, I can't see the appeal of it.


Optimism is a funny thing anyway. It is sort of misleading in how it works. Optimism is the belief that something good will happen. But how can you keep being optimistic if that never comes to fruition? Yeah, it's easy if good things always happen when you expect them to. That's just sensible. But to continue or even attempt to be optimistic in the face of negative opposition, ... well I'm not sure what that is. Some would call it delusional. Some would say this person had a never-ending well of faith...(I hate that word) Personally... I believe if that is the case and someone is continually optimistic when always faced with negativity, in whatever context, then this person isn't dealing with reality and does not want to face facts. There's no point in living in a fantasy world... that just sets you up for disappointment. There's enough of that in the world without creating your own.

Settle, pride and will

So I drive. I like certain types of cars. Mainly, two-door, rear wheel drive, manual transmission. I would never buy a front wheel drive four door car b/c it doesn't fit my needs, and I like to go sideways once in a while... I have no need for two extra doors and a back seat. Having said that, what if something were to happen to my car and the ONLY vehicles I could buy, or could possibly afford, were front wheel drive cars with four doors. What then? Because I have to drive in order to get to work, to pay bills, etc and that is the only thing available to me, is that settling? Am I compromising what I want, how I feel, what I believe? What if there might be cars out there like what I am looking for, I just don't know where they are? Maybe the ratio is skewed so that the sheer number of front wheel drive, four door cars serve to make the two door, manual transmission, RWD cars invisible, for all intents and purposes. Or worse, what if they are out there but because I have to drive a certain amount of miles a day, I am automatically excluded... or b/c I don't make enough money per year, I am automatically excluded. (which is fine, I don't want a high maintenance car anyway) ... point being, what are my option? Either kill my ego and wade in to the pool, give up on what I want, how I feel, what I believe and take what I have available to me, turning a blind eye to the large portion of me that died a little inside. Ignoring that voice that is saying "You will never be happy. You will probably die an early death b/c of the stress level associated with this decision. You will wake up every day knowing that you are weak and you made a mistake, just so you could make a choice." Or I could hold out, hoping that the car I want will come along... I have managed this long... what is there to lose? Except opportunity, experiences, memories that haven't been made, and life. Easy.

This is an analogy, BTW. If you didn't pick up on that then... GTFO of my blog lol.

Dream

Dream, I am ready now
Come get me and let's be on our way
I am done here, and this place bores me
The piper needs to be paid

All the color is gone
and I see nothing but gray
my light has dimmed
and it is hard to find my way

Dream, we have a deal
Time to hold up your end
I am giving you what you wanted
It is time to leave, my Friend

Just fucking do it
Make it happen in a flash
I don't want to think too much about it -
That sentence ended with a dash

I don't really have anything else to say
Why aren't you here yet?
Are you on your own schedule
As you come to collect your debt...

I am ready to not know their absence
I am ready to not worry
I am ready to not be alone
Why aren't you in a hurry

Time is eternal for you
It means nothing to the end
I need to know that constant
I am, you are, my friend

Dream, I am calling to you
Please come see me now
I know you can hear me
I feel you pulling somehow

Maybe my suffering is your payment
The benefit to that eludes me
Just let me sleep with you now
My burden is yours, Dream release me

S.7511

Brainwashing.

noun

1.

a method for systematically changing attitudes or altering beliefs, originated in totalitarian countries, especially through the use of torture, drugs, or psychological-stress techniques.

2.

any method of controlled systematic indoctrination, especially one based on repetition or confusion: brainwashing by TV commercials.

3.

an instance of subjecting or being subjected to such techniques: efforts to halt the brainwashing of captive audiences.

So, if you are an avid whitewater rafter, and suddenly, for whatever reason, you start seeing campaigns on television about how rafting has a negative impact on the environment, and it's such a widespread campaign that the social consciousness not only becomes aware of rafting, but develops an intense hatred of all things rafting, you will eventually convince yourself that "hey, rafting is bad, I should stop" even though in the past, no evidence of any of this has ever been made aware to you, and you've spent a lot of time on the river. 

Point is, "brainwashing" isn't just something used by totalitarian governments. You can be brainwashed by the most innocuous of things. Naturally, rarely do people identify this as brainwashing. If any credit is actually ever given to an outside source for the opinions or outlooks we've suddenly taken up, it's referred to as some sort of "external influence". 

And then there is the stubborn who, in spite of the constant bombardment, try to hold on to what they believe to be true. Kudos to them. They are the ones we should look to for guidance. If you like popped collars, in spite of all the douche nozzles wearing their popped collars (just google popped collar) and you continue to pop your collar, I say good for you. 

My point here in all this nonsensical stream of consciousness is this: it is difficult to keep your opinions, about whatever - yourself, what you believe, what you feel, what you want - in the face of so much opposition. If you constantly have people telling you the sky is brown and you see brown sky, even though you KNOW it to be blue, it's hard not to believe that we live under a sky of shit. Sometimes for more reasons other than the most obvious. If you've stumbled on to this page and are reading this now, trying to hurry to the end so you can (rightly so) say "WHAT THE FUCK"? with a puzzled look on your face. Don't bother, this was more for me than for any of you.  

Sensory deprivation chamber. That's what I need right now. Or is it? Would that be the worst thing for me ... b/c yeah, no that's what I need.

Screaming in to silence
watching the world go by
viewing through tiny windows
no one will bother to try

It's just too easy to forget
to not have to know me
it's dark in my cell
but do I want to be free

at least here I am king
here I control the rain
they forget who I am
comforted by the pain

Riddles so I don't have to say it
seems deep that way
when it's really just pain
This way no one has to play

They cant hear me and no one ever looks up
the wind howls inside my mind
the torch eventually blows out
making me ever harder to find
                                    S62211

sound of silence

Once in a while I am overcome with the knowledge and feeling that even though I am surrounded by people on a daily basis, I am standing in the middle of a black room, totally alone, with a single light illuminating the spot in which I'm standing. Today is one of those days. I have a few good friends, people who can always count on me to be there when they need me. And generally, they are there when I want to chat - they may not know that me "chatting" is my way of saying that I need someone to talk to and need to have that energy exchange... and I don't bother telling them. The thing is, people got their own thing going on and the fact of the matter is unless you are involved with someone on a romantic basis, generally, regardless how close your friends are, they aren't going to be involved in your lives to the point where they will notice something as easy to miss as a 'need to talk to someone' mood. Ultimately, none of this matters. That is why I'm doing this fucking inane blog. It's a release... a substitute for that energy exchange...there is no one in the world who  cares that I am writing this right now. I will go to bed with that still being the case, and I will awake tomorrow with that same truth being constant. I believe that is why you can't ever really rely on other people. Yes, once in a while people can and will surprise you, but ultimately someone else cannot fix your problems. You have to do that for yourself. And I am not looking for someone to fix me. If I can't fix myself, someone else damn sure isn't going to be able to. All I'm saying is, once in a while it would be nice to have someone to spend time with and share thoughts with. You know, the funny thing is, I analyze shit to such a degree, that in typing that sentence out, mentally, I took it about 4 levels deeper - I felt guilty for thinking that because I knew that in order for me to get what I want, someone else would have to take time out of their lives and stop thinking about their problems - something that would be very important to them, and focus instead on me. This is why we can 't have nice things. Actually it's probably better that I don't have anyone to date or spend time with on any kind of romantic level, eventually, I would poison the relationship and maybe end up ruining the person.

I seriously have a love/hate relationship with this blog thing. I love the fact that I have some place convenient to go and write, that I don't have to worry about being subject to hard drive failure ... but I hate the fact that if someone were to read this, I would totally come off as some kind of fucking self-pitying emo cunt who has a low self esteem and a shitty outlook on life. FUCKBERRIES!!!!!!! I am so totally not that person, and I think it's all about context. Context and state of mind at the time of the writing. As much as I hate to admit this, and if ever asked about it, I will say my blog was hacked - sometimes it's good to emote, to feel, to actually have emotion. God. Damn. It. It's time to get my rage on. I'm going to the gym.

Planetary Science

So I'm back from three+ weeks in atlanta and charlotte, and apparently having been away from the house for that long, my body has forgotten my bed. Haven't slept well since friday... so, lying in bed last night, I was thinking, human life ... specifically the social interaction of human life, mimics planetary science. I have never been in a debate club and don't understand the details involved in creating a good argument. To me it sounds like they are making a statement, and then voicing opinions on what that statement is feasible.  So, that's what I will be doing here.

In a solar system, you have planets, moons, stars and asteroids or some other foreign body. Obviously, the most important of all those solar bodies is the star. Without light and heat, nothing survives. Then would be the planets, because they are the only thing, as far as we know, that can support life. Then moons, and then asteroids.

In this analogy, the star, I believe, would be represented by Love/compassion/respect/caring, etc. the desire to get along, to be social creatures and to coexist. For survival, that is a basic need - the odds for survival are better as a group than as an individual. The planets represent the more prestigious humans. People with more status with more money, better looks, more intelligence, what have you... then there are moons, maybe not *quite* as prestigious as the planets, but still important. They help regulate a planet's orbit, helping to keep them on a single axis, stabilizing their spin and regulating their seasons. These moons represent the person's mate. The love of their life. Or their best friend. Generally the most important person in the "planet's" life. Together they compliment each other. While both could survive and possibly even thrive without the other, they'd never be quite as good apart as they are together. The asteroids are at once the bane and the blessing of the solar system. They basically serve no purpose other than to bash in to other solar bodies. They have no responsibility, and live to have fun and fly about. But they are a necessity - they deposit much needed minerals in to the planets and moons when they crash in to them. Sometimes a gentle nudge from an asteroid is all that a body needs to move it in to the proper orbit of a planet, or star...

People, while most are probably too busy or too oblivious to notice, behave a lot like solar bodies. For the most part, everyone is part of some community, some society... whether it is a sprawling metropolis, or an intimate village. Some people we meet in life have distinct orbits of their own - and sometimes those orbits are congruent to ours. When that happens, when two people meet and they are locked in each others orbit, it's a grand thing and "happily ever after" ensues... But sometimes people come in to our lives who were really only meant to be here a short time... regardless of how much we may think they belong, they are just passing through... they aren't in sync with our orbits. They have their own orbit and it has been my experience that there is nothing that can be done to change that, and no good ever comes of trying.

So this is it. This is why I believe people are like planets. We're all orbiting around together, crashing in to each other, dancing for a while, sometimes moving on - but all together around a mutual need to coexist.