The more I live, the more I learn

There was a time when I would vow that I didn't care what people thought, and it was a blanket statement and it was good. It was also true, to a point, at least at the time. That was mainly due to ignorance. While it was, and still is true that I don't care what people think in certain circumstances, say for example, my view on religion. I don't really give a good fuck if you think what I think is right or wrong or purple. It's what I believe and no amount of social political correct line of thinking is going to sway that. However. To say "I don't care what people think about me" as a general, sweeping statement, well that just isn't true anymore. Maybe it is a by-product of getting old. I do care if I'm doing a good job at work. I do care if I am being a good friend. But here's the thing - you will never know, truly, how anyone feels about you or what anyone thinks about you. There is absolutely no way to ever find that information out. All you can do, the absolute only option available to you is to make yourself ok with what you have. If someone agrees to be your friend, take that, run with it, enjoy it while you can. Because nothing lasts forever, and while you may not annoy that person enough to make them want to kill you, no one will ever like everything about you. That is a fact of life. Possibly the most sobering one. That, and one day at some point, you will die. No one will ever like everything about you. Just accept it. Learn it. Love it. Live it because the sooner you do, the sooner you will make your peace with the fact that we all are just tolerating each other long enough on this planet, until we can each find our own tiny pocket of happiness. If you think someone else, in any way, shape, form or fashion will make you happy, you are living a lie. The only thing other people can be counted on to do, is let you down at some point. That's a sure bet. And I don't know, maybe that's just a pipe dream: Happiness. Maybe it doesn't actually exist. What is it? Do you know? Can you explain? Aren't emotions just ideas we create to help us understand the world around us and allow us to try and formulate some meaningful way that we are an integral part of that world? But we aren't. We are not a necessity. We are not required or even needed. Life would still exist without human beings, and truth be told, the plants and animals and the earth itself would be a lot better off if we weren't here. But Happiness - what is that? When I was young, as far as I know, that concept never even existed. I simply was. I never thought twice about whether I was happy or depressed. I wonder a lot of times, if in a lot of ways, that wasn't the best part of life. Never thinking about life, or myself as a sentient being, or how I fit in to life, instead, actually living. Isn't that the point of life? To experience as much as one possibly can? To be the best you can possibly be, while we are here, and try not to kill the ignorant bastard next to you while you are striving for that. Toleration. But what about ideals, you say... Loyalty, for one. What of that? Yes. Loyalty is a grand thing. But Loyalty is self serving. Understand it before you praise it so. Above all else, we tolerate each other. Survival of the fittest. We congregate because it serves our purpose - in high school, groups could better defend against bullies. In a professional life, oftentimes a team can better complete a load of work, or reach a deadline, or accomplish a goal more efficently than a single person. I am a Scorpio. Loyal to a fault some would say. I admit, Loyalty is very important to me. The foundation of which is trust. I was feverishly loyal to all the friends I have ever had, all the women I have ever dated. Where did it get me? Today I have three friends. One of which lives in texas, one is in a committed, serious relationship, and one... one is probably just too much like me. So, I go home every night to an empty house. There are texts, emails sometimes... a phone call once in a great while. Point is, all the people from my past are gone. And maybe that says more about what it's like to be my friend than it does about the human condition. Maybe all of this is more personal than i ever realized. And that's the point of this whole thing - to ultimately know me. The longer I live, the more I learn about what it is to be me, the more I learn that I am the only constant in my life. That means, the only constant in my life is the absence of other people. At the risk of damaging the delicate loaner nature of all that is me, that's not really living. That's just sort of existing. Just getting by. I'm working on it. Trying to identify my next move. Some help would be nice, someone to go through this with, but...