That time of year again

I despise this time of year. And I'm going to use this moment to try and put some words down and maybe get a handle on these... things I'm feeling. Normally, I don't like this time of year because it seems to be geared toward couples almost as much as valentine's day. I just loathe christmas. Actually, that isn't true. I loathe what christmas has turned in to. As a child it represented a magical time of year. I don't really care about presents, not receiving them anyway. I do like to give, see the look on someone's face when they open the present and it's something personal, something perfect, something that only someone who had been paying attention could possibly have known about. But what christmas represented to me a a kid was this magical wintertime wonderland. There were decorations, the smell of cinnamon in the air, seems as though with most of my memories of childhood christmas, there was snow on the ground, it was cold and the warm house decorated with all the wreaths and garland and lights represented a special kind of solace from the cold, but also from the troubles of the world. I always dreamed of having that kind of christmas when I got older. Me and my family in my house... oddly enough, the "family" in this hypothetical scenario was always faceless. IDK who they were. And I am certain that family does not exist now. Nor are they going to. Regardless, I hate this time of year. Nobody seems to try to want the christmas from times passed. All they seem to care about is how much money was spent, and to whom and for what. Or why doesn't he want his picture taken? that was rude of him. Or he didn't even act like we were there. Or it seemed like it bothered him to try and have a conversation with him. Hmmm, maybe if some people would have a bit of god damned self awareness and see the fucking situation around them before assuming things are as they have them figured in their minds. Maybe I didn't want my fucking picture taken because it's MY GODDAMNED PREROGATIVE. Maybe I resented the fact that my family basically had to have two christmas dinners because someone just couldn't make it out when the rest of us did. And maybe I didn't wish to acknowledge this person's existence because if I had, I would probably have exploded all over this person, thus ruining xmas for my mom. So, I answered your questions, I acknowledged your miserable attempts at conversation, DESPITE the fact that I was in the middle of a conversation WITH SOMEONE ELSE at the time. But fuck it, you know? This is apparently your fucking world and we're all here because you wish it. So go right ahead, insert yourself in to whatever fucking conversation you wish. Hmm, interesting. These aren't the particular feelings I was trying to get a handle on. Odd that these just sort of poured out. Hey, I'm ok with what went down sunday. I slept fine last night. But to be honest, I've never really been that close to my brother or sister anyway. I just believe that casual relationships between people are a waste of time. Well this certainly was a random bit of stream of consciousness. I think the lesson I learned with the coming and passing of xmas 2012, I REALLY don't need a lot of people in my life, for their benefit as much as it is mine. The less people in my life, the less fucked up things can get, the less drama, the less bullshit and the less I feel the need to go fucking ballistic on some dumbasses. The less I hate people in general. Which is good. Because I already hate people. :)

Hard To Change

It should have been easy
to say the things I needed to say
It should have been easy
To just get up and walk away
It should have been easy
to say hello and let you in
It should have been easy
for me to be like other men
It should have been easy
to just step outside of the world in my head
It should have been easy
to let you bring me back from the dead
It should have been easy
to make a start together with you
It should have been easy
to do the things you want to do
It should have been easy
for me to be the man I am
It should have been easy
to see the face and take the hand
I don't know how to be that guy
I don't know why I am this shy
I don't know how to let you in
I don't know where I should begin
I don't know why this is my way
I don't know how this day to change
I don't know if I will ever know
I don't know how but I know you know

Shane 121712