Fog

Total strangers. Fuck them. Who are they? Nobody knows. And nobody cares. And that's how it should be, I guess. But what about people who aren't strangers? What about friends, acquaintances, people you know? You don't expect a total stranger to ask you if you need to talk... or to genuinely ask how you are doing. You wouldn't expect a total stranger to sit there patiently while you wax passionately about all the trouble in your life, about all the stupid shit that bothers you, about how you feel and why you just need someone to talk to. No, of course not. That'd be silly. Friends, however... fuck I don't know. I thought the way it worked, friends were supposed to be people you could talk to. People who would take time and stop what they were doing to make time for you, if you needed it. And not get annoyed if you accidentally start talking at the same time they do. Friends, I thought, were supposed to be there for each other. Be empathetic. Care, worry, be concerned for each other. If some stranger dies do I really give a shit? No. I don't know that person and me caring isn't going to change anything one way or another, so I'd rather not waste the energy. Some chick murdered her boyfriend? I don't care. Some women escaped after being kidnapped for years, or something like that? Really just don't give a shit. I don't know any of them and could literally not care less. Now. As apathy-laden as I am for strangers, I am at least as empathetic toward my friends. If I'm in the middle of something I really enjoy and a friend calls I will stop what I'm doing and give them my full, undivided attention, and not even get annoyed. Because they need me at that moment. I will listen on the phone, attentively, for hours if need be, to their problems, how they feel about things, their stressful times, just because they need someone at that moment to vent to. I will support them in any venture they choose. Do you know what I have come to realize? The opposite is not always... actually, the opposite is rarely true. I honestly don't remember the last time anyone was there for me. How the fuck is that fair? If I'm listening to you complain and vent to me for an hour and a half on the phone, do I not get to say anything? Apparently that's the way of things because if I happen to comment, and you continue the sentence you were just saying, and I ACCIDENTALLY interrupt you, I get this irritated sigh, as if your tolerance for me is nearly at it's end. Oh. I'm sorry. Excuse the fuck out of me. I thought I was a human being. "I don't really have time right now" - that's the fucking response I get when I need someone to talk to. I guess it doesn't fucking matter. It's not a two way street. I am here for the benefit of other fucking people and nothing more. Fine. I can do that shit. You want me to not bother you? You've obviously never seen how determined a scorpio can be when he sets his mind to something. Years from now when you wonder just what the fuck happened, maybe you should take a moment and examine your life. Your actions, your decisions. Maybe once in a fucking while, take time to be there for someone who might need you. Open your fucking eyes and see when someone else needs help. You talk about being invisible? You say that you feel as though people ignore you and just don't see you there? And only really acknowledge you when they need something? Yeah, I can relate to that. Except much closer to home. This is why I hate people. Fucking selfish, egocentric, short sided opportunists. And apparently that applies to everyone a little. But hey, now that I know that, I can move through life more prepared. No more lasting connections for me. No more deep bonds. No more soulful experiences. Fuck all that noise. Apparently that was all in my imagination. It apparently wasn't mutual. This just means I can let the inner asshole motherfucker that I usually try to keep suppressed, out all the time now. SO FUCK YOU ALL.