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I heard some advice once talking about steroids... and this seems real familiar, so I may have already written about it... don't know, don't really care right now. Anyway, the point was that you shouldn't identify with that version of you - in other words, you shouldn't use that to help define who you are... because at some point you will have to stop doing that, and then what? Suddenly you have an identity crisis? but then if you look at it, can't you say that about anything? everything? nothing lasts forever, so aren't we at risk for suddenly losing everything we use to make up who we are? I like music. I look for musical styles and compositions that reflect who I am and the mood I'm in at the time - and in doing so, I am using music to help define me as a person .... but what if I wake up deaf tomorrow? I no longer have that option of having music define me... this scenario is infinite - I guess really, what I'm wondering is what should we use to define who we are? experiences? beliefs? morals? judgment? none of that is permanent - all of it can change so then are we ever really who we think we are? if the foundataion on which we build our personalities is mutable, then how can we ever really be sure of who we are? Or maybe we just continue down the road on auto pilot - basing our identity on the last thing we were able to use for that identity - the last known good, as it were... life imitating art, imitating life, imitating art.... ad infinitum

"...I take one, one, one cause you left me
and two, two, two for my family,
and three, three, three for my heartache,
and four, four, four for my headache,
and five, five, five for my lonely,
and six, six, six, for my sorrow
and seven, seven, n-n-n-no tomorrow
and eight, eight, I forget what eight was for
and nine, nine, nine for a lost god
ten, ten, ten, ten, for EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING..."

-Violent Femmes

Reach

sitting here, surrounded by all the swirling thoughts in my head, I managed to see a pattern. I think the one thing they all have in common is contact. I don't know ... I think what I would like is to be understood... to know that even as I am surrounded by my fellow man that I am not a stranger, I am not walking down this road alone ... I don't know what to do or how to make that connection.... my reach isn't enough, their hands phase through mine, or maybe mine through theirs... who is really real and who is the imagination? I'm not sure anymore... a succession of words, a nonsensical thought pattern, glazed eyes, blank expressions, vague smile... apologetic - it's cool, I don't expect you to understand. no one ever really does. ... it's just times like this, when I stop, look around, realize the moment and consider the future... play the game with myself where I pretend not to think about the monotony that lies ahead... get lost in all the stories within the stories, follow the stream of consciousness, let one moment follow the other and pass me by... then, eventually, there will be a brief distraction, a light on my face, a smile... and just as certain, the realization that it was just a ghost - an echo from the past and the smile fades and reality sets in, understanding, awareness, third person persepctive - you look around and you are surrounded by emptiness .... and realize that it was all in your mind - the companionship, the reassurance, the feeling that you are accepted, you have a purpose, you matter ... and you are understood.... none of it was ever true, reality blurs, identity fades, it all becomes just another swirling moment in time ... then it passes

well I know it will be alright if I just get on the road
if I run I can free my worried mind
I know the day I die I will lose my heavy load
but I wouldn't want to leave you behind
-semisonic, "If I Run"

"...what have I become? My sweetest friend - everyone I know goes away in the end. You can have it all: My empire of dirt - I will let you down, I will make you hurt."

Worthless POS

I seriously haven't hated life this much in a LONG time.

I was thinking about a conversation I had with someone the other day, Re: relationships. 

His innocuous comment was that relationships need work. Nothing I haven't heard before. A common notion and I don't know, probably good advice. I am not someone who has any kind of experience in such matters. So I wouldn't know if it is or not.

what that says to me, and this is part of the problem - in order to be in a relationship, I have to change. The default version of me - what makes me me, my personality all the atoms and thoughts and cells, collectively known as "My Name" are not compatible with another human. I don't make the cut for companionship.

My initial reaction to that is why? Why is society ok with this concept? the colloquial response is, "relationships need work" - which is code for saying "you are such a shitty excuse for a human being, no one wants to be with you, you have to change who you are"

Nobody stops to ask why? Nobody takes a second to think "hang on, why is it universally accepted that if I expect any kind of success with another human being that *I* have to change?" Because it is always fucking one sided. People say "we have to work to make it work" ... then they sit back in their figurative chair, cross their legs and watch as YOU change who YOU are and they remain the same with NO effort at all. Why? Why is that ok? 

Do you know how many people I have murdered in my life? none. Not in reality anyway. Do you know how many cats I have tied up by their tails, covered with kerosene and lit on fire while I swung them from a pole? Exactly 0. That's in reality and in my imagination. 0. Granted, I do laugh my ass off at videos of babies getting knocked over by dogs, or being hit in the face by giant beach balls ... because that's just funny. Babies are uncoordinated and oblivious and it is funny to see them wipe out. Stoopid babies. But that just means I have a questionable sense of humor. Well, it's my sense of humor, it isn't meant to entertain anyone but me. My point here is, I'm not a bad person. I am just not the person other people want me to be. That  makes me incompatible and it means I need to change, according to everyone else. I guess if I want to do well in this game, I have to change. If I want to be a good member of society, I need to change. If I want to be a productive member of the family of humans, I really need to put forth the effort and make a change. Here's the problem with that... those things I just typed - they are from the perspective of other people. Why in the name of the magic zombie in the sky would I base my very existence on the perspective of OTHER PEOPLE? how does that make any sense at all? I'm not trying to be all separatist or xenophobic - I know there has to be some compromise, some effort in order for human beings to exist on the same planet and not live under a blanket of chaos. I'm not talking about a global scale.... or maybe I am. I don't fucking know anymore and I'm not sure it's worth the energy required to care. My good years are behind me anyway. Seven BILLION people - no one is siting around thinking "man, what I need is a dude who is passed his prime and really has nothing to bring to the table. And he should spend way too much time inside his head." so why should I change? Where is the fucking incentive? In fact I'm not sure what the point is in waking to a new day. I don't really see the appeal any more but every day it happens, not sure why but there it is

The Monster In Me

I am a terrible devourer of men
bloodthirsty and cruel to the very end
my pulse quickens on every kill
death and destruction, they are my will

my appetite is never quite satisfied
I always have a spare body set aside
my victims beg and plea to no avail
the dead in my eyes take them straight to hell

I feel I have been pushed over the edge now
no reason to hold back or calm it down
words have no meaning and it doesn't matter what I say
my voice makes no sound so you can't hear me anyway

this isn't what I want and it never was
what I wanted didn't matter and it never does
warnings were posted and promptly ignored
if you want to know the score just look at the board

control is the trigger that unleashes the beast
the deed is done, now it's time to feast
my actions are primal, they are not fun
now back to my cave, party of one


Triad.15.6

Love is a drug dealer

"...unrequited love really is as horrible as it is always made out to be in books and movies. To feel so much for someone... but always at a distance, knowing they will never fully understand or possibly care how you really felt..."

See, i am more comfortable with that Pain and Misery you just described. They're convenient. They're  unrelenting. They are a good, reliable companion. They are symbiotic. They need you as much as you need companionship. Your love is unrequited. Pain and Misery feed on those emotions and dispose of them for you. Pain and Misery are much more familiar to me than love. Love is flighty, unreliable. Love will walk with you to the breathtaking view of the mountain overlook, and push you off. Love doesn't need anyone, shares no symbiosis with anyone. Serves no one but itself. It is a wolf in sheep's clothing and that clothing is laced with a sweet smelling, highly addictive pheromone that causes you to lose the ability to make sound decisions. 

Wax on, Wane off...

Why is it so wrong to desperately want to be with someone for a while, like maybe over the course of a few weeks, then desperately want to be alone for as long? Possibly longer. Do you realize how difficult it is to find someone - A)that I actually enjoy being around and am romantically attracted to and B)who understands my twisted sense of reality? I don't enjoy spending all my time alone, but when faced with the choice of that or finding someone, and being unhappy during those times when I do want to be alone, I choose the former over the latter. I just wish there was someone out there who understood what it's like to not want to be around people all the time. Even one people. I don't see why that's such a politically incorrect, taboo way to be. It's not that I am antisocial. It's just that being around a large group of people for long periods, or even one person on a daily basis, drains my energy. It makes me uncomfortable and irritable. Unfortunately, it's easier to deal with being alone than it is to deal with the drain of being around people.