imprint

I heard some advice once talking about steroids... and this seems real familiar, so I may have already written about it... don't know, don't really care right now. Anyway, the point was that you shouldn't identify with that version of you - in other words, you shouldn't use that to help define who you are... because at some point you will have to stop doing that, and then what? Suddenly you have an identity crisis? but then if you look at it, can't you say that about anything? everything? nothing lasts forever, so aren't we at risk for suddenly losing everything we use to make up who we are? I like music. I look for musical styles and compositions that reflect who I am and the mood I'm in at the time - and in doing so, I am using music to help define me as a person .... but what if I wake up deaf tomorrow? I no longer have that option of having music define me... this scenario is infinite - I guess really, what I'm wondering is what should we use to define who we are? experiences? beliefs? morals? judgment? none of that is permanent - all of it can change so then are we ever really who we think we are? if the foundataion on which we build our personalities is mutable, then how can we ever really be sure of who we are? Or maybe we just continue down the road on auto pilot - basing our identity on the last thing we were able to use for that identity - the last known good, as it were... life imitating art, imitating life, imitating art.... ad infinitum

"...I take one, one, one cause you left me
and two, two, two for my family,
and three, three, three for my heartache,
and four, four, four for my headache,
and five, five, five for my lonely,
and six, six, six, for my sorrow
and seven, seven, n-n-n-no tomorrow
and eight, eight, I forget what eight was for
and nine, nine, nine for a lost god
ten, ten, ten, ten, for EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING..."

-Violent Femmes

Reach

sitting here, surrounded by all the swirling thoughts in my head, I managed to see a pattern. I think the one thing they all have in common is contact. I don't know ... I think what I would like is to be understood... to know that even as I am surrounded by my fellow man that I am not a stranger, I am not walking down this road alone ... I don't know what to do or how to make that connection.... my reach isn't enough, their hands phase through mine, or maybe mine through theirs... who is really real and who is the imagination? I'm not sure anymore... a succession of words, a nonsensical thought pattern, glazed eyes, blank expressions, vague smile... apologetic - it's cool, I don't expect you to understand. no one ever really does. ... it's just times like this, when I stop, look around, realize the moment and consider the future... play the game with myself where I pretend not to think about the monotony that lies ahead... get lost in all the stories within the stories, follow the stream of consciousness, let one moment follow the other and pass me by... then, eventually, there will be a brief distraction, a light on my face, a smile... and just as certain, the realization that it was just a ghost - an echo from the past and the smile fades and reality sets in, understanding, awareness, third person persepctive - you look around and you are surrounded by emptiness .... and realize that it was all in your mind - the companionship, the reassurance, the feeling that you are accepted, you have a purpose, you matter ... and you are understood.... none of it was ever true, reality blurs, identity fades, it all becomes just another swirling moment in time ... then it passes

well I know it will be alright if I just get on the road
if I run I can free my worried mind
I know the day I die I will lose my heavy load
but I wouldn't want to leave you behind
-semisonic, "If I Run"