Abstract Scorpio

So, I used to think that things, life and whatnot, would be different if I were somewhere else. Like the mundane, monotonous motions I go through on a daily basis, would somehow change if I were physically in a different geographical location... say, Ireland, or Alaska, or somewhere in the Caribbean. But this week I am in Charlotte... neither glamorous or exotic, I know, but different. And what am I doing? Pretty much the same thing I always do. I'm chilling in my hotel room at night, or sitting outside in the courtyard. This is Charlotte - there is never not anything to do here. I mean it's like the new york city of north carolina. Why then, are my actions here, so similar to those at home?




It's not the place, it's the person. Slight epiphany. It's so easy to get swept up in the "if [thing] was different, my life would be different" mental. When most likely, that is not the case. Your life is what you make it. Without some sort of notion or desire to change, it will be what it is, regardless of where you are. Edit - it takes more than just notion or desire, but those are the first steps. I have the desire. I have a notion. Now I do not know what the next step is. I want stuff to be different. I'd like to think if I somehow managed to move to the Caribbean, I would spend my nights in some way other than sitting on the beach, in a lounge chair, by myself, listening to the ocean. Although I can think of much worse things to be doing. My point remains: why do I maintain the life I am living? Why go back to my hotel room/ bungalow/log cabin/house by myself and do nothing of consequence? Why don't I/can't I make more lasting connections with people? Not that the ones I have haven't lasted, they have and I am appreciative for that. But the connections I currently have are either hundreds of miles away, married, or recently off the map, and in the same boat I'm in. I'm just tired. Tired and bored with this life. I need something different, something exciting. I think I am done with being alone. Sadly the women who were supposed to be beating down my door to be with me, have been mysteriously delayed... or detained... regardless, they do not seem to be here. Maybe they had car trouble. That's crazy talk. More likely than that, what happened, was the bus that was bringing them all here, was hit by a rogue meteorite and careened off the side of a cliff on the Bolivian Death Road. Here's the kicker, I don't just want someone to keep me from being alone, I want to be in to them, attracted to them, I want to be able to share some kind of intimate, emotional, eternal connection with them. I'm almost 40. The odds of me finding someone now who satisfies all these criteria, nil. Which, maybe, is why people settle. But I can't do that. So alone it is. Traveling down this road by myself, the observant person might see me and wonder what my world is like... wonder if I have that someone at home who makes life more enjoyable... wonder if I have that special person to talk to about life and things and share thoughts and feelings and desires and whatnot with... of course this astute observer is fictional, b/c people are too wrapped up in their own meanderings to be bothered with what is going on with another individual. Still, the answer would be the same... there is no one, which is why I'm typing to this stupid fucking blog.