I hate when I am like this. I need to write about something, but I am not really focused enough on any one thing to opine about it. I have a poem about half composed sitting around in my head... not inspired enough to finish it. I'm tired of my life and its current iteration. It's a lot more difficult to actually do something and change your life, than it is to explain that concept to someone else who is tired of their life and its current iteration. I am tired of being alone, which is even more difficult to address/remedy than changing one's life, because it requires the cooperation of another individual. And not in the "sure, I'll help you move a couch" cooperation, actual, empathizing, preferably long-term mutual, symbiotic cooperation. So that is right out.

People, as a whole, I believe, are selfish. By our very nature. The majority of what we do is self serving. There are very few people who go against the grain on this. I've only ever met two. It is in people's nature to be selfish - "gotta get mine before someone else takes it" sort of mental. I suppose that goes back to when we all lived in caves and there may or may not have been enough to go around and life wasn't really fair. Consider this scenario - two people meet, strike up a conversation, discover they are very compatible. Why? What brought these two people together? Mutual selfishness. Each person's desire to satisfy their curiosity, their need, their attraction. Nobody ever does anything because it will benefit someone else... every action we have, every thought, every step we take as a human being, is because it will benefit us in some way. If it happens to help someone else along the way, great. So "Bob" donates money to Ethiopia? Awesome. It isn't because of starving children, it's so "bob" can feel good about himself. "Bob" must have a pretty fucked up life if he feels the need to go to those lengths to feel good about himself.

But we're damned if we do, damned if we don't... when you meet someone - "I want to get to know her," "I want to smell her hair," "I want to ask her out" - all satisfies some need deep inside yourself for something you want: selfish. However, if you approach it from the polar opposite perspective "I want her to get to know me", "I want her to see my body", "I want to give her the opportunity to go out with me" - then you're just a dick. A self-centered, probably egotistical jerk. So what then? Is there really a point to try and better ourselves? Is there any need to be introspective? Do we as a people even need to try? There are some people who aren't really even sentient enough to be self-aware, hardly... I guess to those people none of this matters and, in fact, they would probably have been lost after the first 4 words of this post. Eyes glazed over, drool coming out of their mouth, horrible visions flashing in in their mind...

So then, if all this is true, and we're either selfish or egotistical, then does that mean that there really are no "perfect matches" for people? No "Ideal" mates one way or another? Does that mean that people who have standards and stick to them, shouldn't bother? Because wouldn't that make that person a hypocrite? OR does it mean that I over analyze EVERYGODAMNTHING too much and will probably ruin any and every relationship that I have because of it. Yeaaah... you sleep well little bunny...

Raise Your Weapons

So, I was driving home yesterday. I have a lot of time to think while driving back and forth to work/home. I have always sort of had a child-like optimism... or maybe outlook is a better way of thinking of it. I could always be totally amazed by the possibilities of what the next moment may hold. The mystery, intrigue, curiosity. All because I didn't know what was about to happen in the very next moment. I think I may be losing that. I think I am finally getting to the point where I know the very next moment holds no mystery... all the possibilities are carved down to knowing that the very next moment will probably be just like this one. And the moment after that, the week after, the month after and this time next year, very little will probably have changed. That is depressing and if that is the way things are going to be, what's the point? That's boring. And for the life of me, I can't see the appeal of it.


Optimism is a funny thing anyway. It is sort of misleading in how it works. Optimism is the belief that something good will happen. But how can you keep being optimistic if that never comes to fruition? Yeah, it's easy if good things always happen when you expect them to. That's just sensible. But to continue or even attempt to be optimistic in the face of negative opposition, ... well I'm not sure what that is. Some would call it delusional. Some would say this person had a never-ending well of faith...(I hate that word) Personally... I believe if that is the case and someone is continually optimistic when always faced with negativity, in whatever context, then this person isn't dealing with reality and does not want to face facts. There's no point in living in a fantasy world... that just sets you up for disappointment. There's enough of that in the world without creating your own.

Settle, pride and will

So I drive. I like certain types of cars. Mainly, two-door, rear wheel drive, manual transmission. I would never buy a front wheel drive four door car b/c it doesn't fit my needs, and I like to go sideways once in a while... I have no need for two extra doors and a back seat. Having said that, what if something were to happen to my car and the ONLY vehicles I could buy, or could possibly afford, were front wheel drive cars with four doors. What then? Because I have to drive in order to get to work, to pay bills, etc and that is the only thing available to me, is that settling? Am I compromising what I want, how I feel, what I believe? What if there might be cars out there like what I am looking for, I just don't know where they are? Maybe the ratio is skewed so that the sheer number of front wheel drive, four door cars serve to make the two door, manual transmission, RWD cars invisible, for all intents and purposes. Or worse, what if they are out there but because I have to drive a certain amount of miles a day, I am automatically excluded... or b/c I don't make enough money per year, I am automatically excluded. (which is fine, I don't want a high maintenance car anyway) ... point being, what are my option? Either kill my ego and wade in to the pool, give up on what I want, how I feel, what I believe and take what I have available to me, turning a blind eye to the large portion of me that died a little inside. Ignoring that voice that is saying "You will never be happy. You will probably die an early death b/c of the stress level associated with this decision. You will wake up every day knowing that you are weak and you made a mistake, just so you could make a choice." Or I could hold out, hoping that the car I want will come along... I have managed this long... what is there to lose? Except opportunity, experiences, memories that haven't been made, and life. Easy.

This is an analogy, BTW. If you didn't pick up on that then... GTFO of my blog lol.

Dream

Dream, I am ready now
Come get me and let's be on our way
I am done here, and this place bores me
The piper needs to be paid

All the color is gone
and I see nothing but gray
my light has dimmed
and it is hard to find my way

Dream, we have a deal
Time to hold up your end
I am giving you what you wanted
It is time to leave, my Friend

Just fucking do it
Make it happen in a flash
I don't want to think too much about it -
That sentence ended with a dash

I don't really have anything else to say
Why aren't you here yet?
Are you on your own schedule
As you come to collect your debt...

I am ready to not know their absence
I am ready to not worry
I am ready to not be alone
Why aren't you in a hurry

Time is eternal for you
It means nothing to the end
I need to know that constant
I am, you are, my friend

Dream, I am calling to you
Please come see me now
I know you can hear me
I feel you pulling somehow

Maybe my suffering is your payment
The benefit to that eludes me
Just let me sleep with you now
My burden is yours, Dream release me

S.7511