As it turns out...

I heard someone opining the other day about how guys always say "girls/women always go after the guy who will treat them like shit" or girls will say "guys always go after the easy girl ... " ad infinitum, and their point was that while that may be the case once in a while, the fact is that most of the time the guy or girl in this scenario has just tried to pick up or be picked up by someone who was way out of his or her league. I think I may have to agree with this. I have a lot of respect for this person and value their opinion. And when I apply this formula to my own past experiences, it holds true. Unfortunately, that sobers things up a bit, levels the playing field and exposes a rather harsh truth: the fact that if you are one of the people who feel this way (as was I), you haven't met the right person yet, and there exists the very real possibility that you will not. Therefore, you have to prepare yourself for one of three eventualities: Either change your entire perspective on life, get used to being alone, or be ok with settling for less than what you think you deserve or see yourself with, just to keep from being alone.

Unfortunately, for me, it exposes an even more harsh truth: I am not sure I can successfully be in a relationship. The very idea of spending time around people, hanging out with someone for several days in a row, not having any time to myself - it fills me with a sense of anxiety and stress. It gets hard to breathe, and the idea that in order to be in a relationship, I have to give up this time, really does not appeal to me. Which is weird. There are so many times when I lament about being alone. But if I really hated being alone so much, would the prospect of spending time with other human beings, several nights in a row, really upset me so much? After working all day, busting my ass in the gym, putting up with all the retards who sit around me, dealing with irate users and machines that live to cause me stress, all I want when I get home is quiet. I want to be able to be silent, not have to talk to anyone, or acknowledge anyone, not have to listen, or entertain or be responsible for anything other than whatever I plan to do in the next moment. And that brings up something else - I don't think I like being responsible for someone else's happiness. it just seems like a really bad idea, given how moody I am at times. There are times I don't even like myself. I don't know. It's a work in progress and I'm trying really hard to suppress all this negative shit. It's manifesting in strange ways though - bad decisions on my part, failures, (which shall never be discussed on this medium) mis-communications, boring routines, etc. Naturally I see this as just more proof that I should not willingly mingle with human beings. I'm just not like them. Nothing good can come of it.

The shit of it all

What's the point? Have you ever asked yourself that question? For me, the answer is obvious: Morbid Curiosity. I need to see what the next fucked up thing life will swing my way. My job. I am where I will be. There is no promotions. Not for what I do. And unless you are in the upper echelons of management, I am not sure "promotions" are a real thing anyway. Not in the sense that most people know them anyway. I think most modern promotions are basically just added responsibility with no increase in pay. So, what's the point? You have to pay your bills... but how much of your bills are in support of or because of your job? And if you boil it down, why would you want that kind of life anyway? Humans are supposed to be LIVING life... not just existing, not just getting by... the majority of us don't ever have that opportunity. By the time we've worked long enough and hard enough to get to a point where we can, financially, enjoy life, we're old. Well I'm old anyway. And I'm nowhere near financially able to enjoy life. I can't even afford to take a vacation. I've never really been able to wrap my mind around that anyway - go somewhere, pay hundreds to thousands of dollars a week to sleep in a hotel because it happens to be by an ocean... or close to an ocean. It's just another example of how I do not belong in the ranks of the mass retards that walk this planet. I swear, the more I am around people and the more I tell myself I can handle the overheard stories about their annoying kids or deal with seeing them out in public in their fucking pajamas, the more I seriously do not want to be part of this population. And forget trying to reach out to someone on any kind of personal, emotional level - WITHOUT FAIL, people's selfish tendencies kick in and they take your moment of weakness, your one moment where you open up to someone, you take the advice of friends and reach out to another human being and they take that opportunity to piss on your need. So fuck em. Fuck them every one. Seriously - a cabin in the mountains by myself is sounding better and better all the time.

Purpose

If Purpose is what drives us as a person, and we have no purpose, then we are ultimately not going anywhere.

I have often wondered what purpose humanity serves, aside from just existing. Is it a requirement that we serve a purpose? or is it just enough to exist? if you examine that thought process on more of a granular level, then you can theorize that if no one in an entire society served a single purpose, and opted instead for the "simply existing" role, that society would rapidly collapse. I think humans in general need to feel as though they are needed. Like their existence means something. There is a reason they are here. A purpose. Otherwise, a person's life has no meaning, and therefore their actions have no consequences. If a cog in a machine has no purpose, then the absence of said cog would not be missed. It could fall apart, it could blip out of existence, it could just simply rust away over in a dark corner - none of it would matter. So we need to feel needed. Otherwise, ... well I suppose the more driven, more determined members of humanity would be inspired and challenged to push that much harder to find a purpose. But I would be willing to wager half the population, maybe more, would just commit suicide. Especially in modern times, where most of the people alive exist in a "entitled" state of mind where everything should be for their taking, with minimal effort from them. The funny thing is, I am not sure how many people would even understand where I'm coming from by writing this. I think I am biased toward the negative, cynical thought processes of life. But when you see negative examples of things that could have a happy, positive outcome, and it happens over, and over, and OVER again, one begins to wonder what the point in even trying to be positive is. For example - imagine, if you will, a race of aliens. Through a fluke of science, they just flashed in to existence one day. One minute they were not there, and the next they simply were. All of which were asexual - no gender difference, no ability to procreate. What purpose would that race serve? There may very well be one, but in my negative bias, as soon as this race blipped in to being, they began the demise of their lives. They serve no purpose and there is no reason why they shouldn't be dead. Whatever. I'm too tired to give much of a fuck right now.

confusion

Different levels of trust or is it an all or nothing thing? I've never really thought about it before. Can you "sort of" trust someone? Are there different degrees of trust? Is it fair to either trust someone completely or not at all? I think ultimately, it has to be this way - while I don't believe in levels or degrees of trust, on the way to trusting someone, you are building it up - like a ramp, the pinnacle of which is complete and total trust. Seems like every time I am on that ramp something happens to knock me off of it. So, I guess the real question is, why the fuck do I keep trying to get back on it? What's the point? can anyone ever be totally trusted? I'm beginning to think probably not. What's the point? I am apparently a relic from a long since dead time. I don't belong on this planet with these humans. I do not see as they see, I do not live as they live, I do not believe as they believe. I do not feel as they feel. I consider my actions. I try to imagine how those actions will affect others in my life. No, I don't always get it right. But at least I try. I'm just sick of the bullshit. I'm sick of all the half-attempts disguised as earnest. I'm sick of people being able to look me directly in the eyes and lie without blinking. What fucking happened to the social conscious - to morals, to even a tenuous connection to what is right and wrong? I can admit when I am wrong, I can take responsibility and blame for my actions. I'm not trying to push all fault away from me. I'm just tired of trying to keep my negativity, my cynicism, my hatred and disdain for people in general and their naturally selfish tendencies, at bay. I'm tired of allowing myself to believe, like some simple fool, that I can have a normal relationship. And that people mean what they say and act on good intentions. Nobody does anything not born of some kind of selfish origin. If you hold out your hand to help your fellow man, it will be lopped off without even so much as an acknowledgement or blink of an eye. I'm about finished with this world. With this existence. I'm ready to move on. It's just the same shit over and over at this point. And all of it is bad.