"...just want to watch the world burn...."

Futility. I think that's the theme that keeps coming back to me. It's funny, growing up you have an idea of how things are - you create a reality from your experiences as you grow and you assume that is the way of things. It never occurs to you to consider the possibility that you didn't have things figured correctly... or that the way you had them figured could change.... throughout your entire life you just assumed "If a + b then AB" but it may as well be "If A+sideways then tuesday". but even that.... even the epiphany of possibly being wrong... not even that matters. I'm not sure what it says for a person to have such big, important thoughts but nothing about that person, not even the thoughts actually matters. Worthless. Imagine for a moment if, say, abraham lincoln would have died in his teens or early twenties. Things would have changed. History - as we know it in this particular river of reality, would be different.... but there are people who if they just suddenly died would have 0 effect on the outcome of the particular vein of time in which they exist. It will still go on and continue unabated. What must that feel like to be that person and to have the awareness of that truth? To know that no philosophy you come up with, no story you write, no physical thing you make will ever matter. No thing you say no thing you think. Of all the people you have ever met, no one is better off for having met you. For that matter, you could say no one is any worse off either. After you are dead and gone, the fact that you were ever alive will not matter. So why prolong it? What kind of masochistic personalities do people have that they willingly inflict that sort of torturous pain upon themselves? And what does that say about human life on the planet? The fact that only a handful of the people who are alive will actually matter. The rest of the people alive serve to do what? eat? take up space? why? Why is this the reality of the world in which we live? Why doesn't everyone strive to matter in some way? That's a sisyphean task to be sure.... and sometimes we just want to laugh... sometimes we just want to watch the world burn.

And island of one

Without getting all melodramatic and overstating shit for effect, yeah, I guess on a daily basis there are some comforting interactions with other people. But at the same time there are interactions with people which you think should go off without a hitch, which you think should be positive and pretty straight forward and those are the ones that get all fucked up. People take things the wrong way, people misunderstand or simply fail to communicate....

Consider this for a moment, what if the people in your life right now were the only people to be in your life from now on? What if you never met another new person - not a stranger or a co worker - when I say a "new person" someone whom you allow in to your inner circle someone you trust and share things with - someone who wants to get to know you and allows you to do the same. Then consider for a moment, are the people who are in your life, permanent. Probably not.. few people are ever, really permanent. I don't know where I'm going with this or what my point actually is... I guess ultimately it comes down to wondering how people see me. My impression of me from a third person perspective. I don't know, most of the time I don't care about being alone, but for whatever reason I am going through some kind of thing where i would, really, like to have that mutual energy exchange that two people who are getting to know one another have. I don't generally make good first impressions, I either come off as shy or aloof or weird and abstract. I am not even sure my actual friends of whom I have only a handful, know how to take me. If .... I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter. None of it matters, really. One hundred years from now...