Irony, Granite and the smell of Rain

Ironically, I started out hating this idea, the very notion that I would be, could be even remotely associated with the word "blog". I still hate that word and all the connotations it carries with it. I hate what it has come to stand for... I'm sure it is some sort of acronym, but I don't know for what. Where the irony comes in to play is that, almost on a daily basis, I feel as though I need to come write something. It feels good. I think it is the expulsion of energy that I am drawn to. Doing this, for me at least, it like having a deep, meaningful conversation with someone - it is very satisfying and I usually feel better when I'm finished. Having someone in your life with whom you can have a positive energy exchange is important to me, and an important aspect to life, I believe... I do have someone like that, but it has been a while since we have been able to have an energy exchange. A really long time, in fact. I don't really have anyone else in my life like that. And it's something ... it is something that cannot be explained in a "blog". I feel like a fucking hipster even using that word. Now I need a shower.

If I were someone else, I might think that I had anger issues, or "rage addiction" as it may or may not be referred to in reality these days. I seem to be in a rage most of the time here lately. I don't know why. But as an evolved human being, and I believe somewhat enlightened, i know it isn't anger issues, or rage addiction... it's probably a combination of stress in my life, sleep deprivation, and other things that shall go unnamed here. But that's only because I took the time to look at the situation and decipher it. I stripped away all the BS and got down to the core of the problem. And now that I know, I will deal with it. It isn't something that will go away easily, but ... and it may not go away at all... but I will deal. A lot of it comes from frustration. There is a lot of that to spread around - frustration at the gov't, frustration at being alone, frustration at work, frustration at how I am not one of those people who talk a big game... and because I am not the type to initiate a situation, situations never come up ... or rarely come up to allow my actions to speak for me.

Then there is the realization that nothing really does last forever. Granite even eventually falls on the steps of time. Regardless of how strong you think something is, most likely you are in the minority - most likely you are not on the same page,  you don't share the same thoughts, feelings, views or beliefs. Naturally I'm speaking of people who are much deeper than the lemming sheeple who regularly inhabit the planet... understanding those people, in fact, finding two just alike isn't really that hard... This realization to me, the former, not the latter... was a more than a little shocking. I guess I always suspected it, somewhere in the back of my mind... down in the dank, dark, cobwebby cellar of my mind... but to have that brought out in to the light... it was hard to look at.

I need it to rain again. It's been raining some lately. I need the storms to come and bring their darkness and rain down... it suits my mood these days. That is also a good energy exchange. I could explain it as the movement of water releases positive ions, and positive ions are absorbed by our bodies and somehow affect the charge of our electrical makeup, making us feel better. Maybe it has to do with dopemine, maybe it has to do with seratonin... I don't know. And that's why I didn't explain it like that. It is the energy exchange. I can feel the energy of the storm... I can feel the movement of the air and change in the field ... plus, I like the smell of rain.

just

I'm in a mood... I have a lot of unfocused energy... I feel the need to emote, but have nothing to say... I want to hate, but  it isn't directed at anything... I want to connect... make some kind of connection with somebody... but who? and what kind of connection? no idea. I could have a deep philosophical discussion about religion right now... but discussions like with myself are boring b/c I already know what I'm going to say, and since there isn't anyone here... I think I feel distant with regards to the people I work with... I'm just an employee... not really a person. In fact, there are only like three people who know who I really am...or who, at least have a decent idea... and I don't work with any of them. Right now, I feel like something needs to change or I will explode. Which wouldn't be that bad of a situation b/c I don't wan to live to the point where I am a sac of sagging skin and my brain can't remember who I am or where I am or why I'm there. Apparently that runs in my family... and I want to be long gone before that ever sets in.

Vain? Maybe, who cares? I fucking deserve to be a little vain... I've worked hard to get where I am physically and I've spent even more time shaping my brain and my thoughts and ideals... goals, not so much. I have goals, just don't know how to go about getting them. And not even that so much, I don't even know how to initiate the process of goal-realization.

And I go on and I go on, on and on down this road... it winds and runs out and disappears at times, but somehow I stay on track. It isn't a fun road, it isn't an particularly interesting road...not overly scenic... just a road. Does it actually go somewhere? I don't know... hasn't yet... maybe at some point, I'm not expecting to ever find out. I just want something to happen... something good, specifically. Not even to me, to my family or friends... just something good. Is that validation? Is that what I'm looking for? I don't know, maybe. Is that so bad? What's wrong with having your existence verified?

So I was thinking the other day about relationships. I'm wondering if there is such a thing as that perfect person? Is there someone out there, alive now, whom I could be with and find absolutely nothing wrong with them, and vice versa? Is that type of existence with someone else actually possible? See I don't think so. Everyone has something about them that will annoy someone else at some point. So ultimately, isn't everyone settling to some degree when they date/settle down? I'm a  big advocate on not settling for someone, not compromising what I believe in, just to keep from being alone, but if you work from the point of view that what I said is true, doesn't everyone settle? And if that is the case, does the degree even matter? If you are going to settle a little, then why not go all the way, go to the small village in brazil and get the fat woman covered in hair. I need some lamb of god dubstep.

One...Two...Three...faggotree

It's funny - not funny haha... well a little maybe - for someone who is really not a big fan of change, just how much of it has been forced on me in the last 7 months. I'm starting to think the fates have a twisted sense of humor. I used to know someone else who thought so. Actually she had a little more serious opinion of The Fates. But hey, that's in the past. In the last 7 months, I have left a job of 9 years to start a new job, in a new place with new faces. I used to drive 20 min to work, now I drive 50ish. I used to work out at "lunch" now, I am going after work. There were plenty of other insignificant changes, such as I had my cable/television cut off b/c of all the useless crap on television/cable. I used to hate sharing stuff about myself and that is still true to some extent, but I met someone back around xmas who coerced me to open up and trust and not worry about the consequences... So, I did, and as she was ripping my heart from my chest, she smirked at me as if to say "And what did you learn?" Then she handed it to me and walked away. So, there were other changes that were thrust upon me/that I caused, which i dare not speak of, lest some plague be visited upon me and my house. But it's funny how change, welcomed or not, forces you to look at your life and quickly assess what you care about, what you don't care about, what you need, what you can live without... you'd be surprised how much actually falls in to the latter category. Fact of the matter is, because we humans are creatures of habit, we routinely fall in to doing the same things, day in and day out, expecting the same results and generally living life in a rut... that is, until something happens to jar us out of that rut - Enter: Change. Now, I'm not a retard. I knew all along change could do this and would have this effect. But it's the difference in  watching a top fuel funny car take off and go down the track and know "that was fast" and actually driving one and experiencing 5000+ hp and a 0-300mph in 3-4 seconds - two totally different things.

So I have an opportunity to reinvent myself. Because now things are different. No point in going on like they aren't. And that's what Scorpios do - one of the symbols for our Zodiac is the Phoenix - MASTER of living, dying and being reborn anew, reinventing itself. (because "living, dying, and being reborn..." sounds too much like the great Zombie Master, Jesus) problem is, I don't know what to become... or what I should change... I just asked for help from a possible ghost from the soon to be past, but I doubt it helps. Ghosts are funny that way. Sometimes they oblige the living, sometimes they suffer the living, most times they just sort of do what they want... so we'll see...