just

I'm in a mood... I have a lot of unfocused energy... I feel the need to emote, but have nothing to say... I want to hate, but  it isn't directed at anything... I want to connect... make some kind of connection with somebody... but who? and what kind of connection? no idea. I could have a deep philosophical discussion about religion right now... but discussions like with myself are boring b/c I already know what I'm going to say, and since there isn't anyone here... I think I feel distant with regards to the people I work with... I'm just an employee... not really a person. In fact, there are only like three people who know who I really am...or who, at least have a decent idea... and I don't work with any of them. Right now, I feel like something needs to change or I will explode. Which wouldn't be that bad of a situation b/c I don't wan to live to the point where I am a sac of sagging skin and my brain can't remember who I am or where I am or why I'm there. Apparently that runs in my family... and I want to be long gone before that ever sets in.

Vain? Maybe, who cares? I fucking deserve to be a little vain... I've worked hard to get where I am physically and I've spent even more time shaping my brain and my thoughts and ideals... goals, not so much. I have goals, just don't know how to go about getting them. And not even that so much, I don't even know how to initiate the process of goal-realization.

And I go on and I go on, on and on down this road... it winds and runs out and disappears at times, but somehow I stay on track. It isn't a fun road, it isn't an particularly interesting road...not overly scenic... just a road. Does it actually go somewhere? I don't know... hasn't yet... maybe at some point, I'm not expecting to ever find out. I just want something to happen... something good, specifically. Not even to me, to my family or friends... just something good. Is that validation? Is that what I'm looking for? I don't know, maybe. Is that so bad? What's wrong with having your existence verified?

So I was thinking the other day about relationships. I'm wondering if there is such a thing as that perfect person? Is there someone out there, alive now, whom I could be with and find absolutely nothing wrong with them, and vice versa? Is that type of existence with someone else actually possible? See I don't think so. Everyone has something about them that will annoy someone else at some point. So ultimately, isn't everyone settling to some degree when they date/settle down? I'm a  big advocate on not settling for someone, not compromising what I believe in, just to keep from being alone, but if you work from the point of view that what I said is true, doesn't everyone settle? And if that is the case, does the degree even matter? If you are going to settle a little, then why not go all the way, go to the small village in brazil and get the fat woman covered in hair. I need some lamb of god dubstep.