Compiling Theories of Life and the Migration Patterns of Cells

And that's about the extent of creativity I have today. It's yet another one of those days, where I feel as though I need to purge myself of some extra emotional energy, but I don't really have anything specific about which to write. Not really focused on anything in particular, not really dialed in to any one thing. Although, I suppose looking back over this week, there is at least one event which transpired that I do feel the need to talk about.

I'm on the phone I think maybe monday or tuesday of this week, talking to a friend, getting some advice on owning your own business. While I'm on the phone, I tend to walk around because I don't know why, actually. I just do. Anyway, I wander over near a cubicle where this person works I know. I know her from way back in the day, when I used to date her sister. Or maybe it was her sister-in-law... or cousin... at any rate, I dated someone who was related to her. So, I'm on the phone, talking to this dude and suddenly she pops up out of her cube and says, "hey - did you hear about jan? she is dead." I may as well have rounded a blind corner and been struck square in the face with a 2x4. I mean what do you say to something like that? I abruptly and unceremoniously got off the phone to find out that one of my first girlfriends, a girl I dated back in 90/91, had recently passed away. She was 5 years older than me, 45. She had a heart attack. As soon as I heard this, my mind thought back to all the good times we had, from making mix tapes to "burying Dom" to racing each other on the highway and spending the night in the back of my nissan at stone mountain park. Ultimately we weren't meant to be and broke up. Many years later, I heard it speculated that she and one of my best friends at the time were cheating behind my back. I don't know if it was true and ultimately, especially now, it doesn't matter. Still, she was too young to die of a heart attack. And as selfish as this sounds, I realized shortly after hearing this that I had just experienced the death of someone with whom I had sex. I am working very hard, trying to keep the thoughts and feelings of "congratulations, you are old enough that ex-girlfriends are starting to pass away" at bay because that would be very self centered and egotistical. You know, it's one thing for someone you have known at some point in your life to, say, get married... or move to a distant location. You realize that you will most likely never talk to them again, but there is a chance. Anything is possible, you could pass by them walking down the street one day or something. But when they die, I mean that's it. There is no happenstance meeting on the street or in a coffee shop or anything else. And while this isn't about me, really, it's hard not to consider the fact that someone I used to date died of a heart attack. I think what I'm feeling is empathy and a sense of loss. Two things that I am really not accustomed to experiencing. In fact, so foreign is this whole thing to me, I am uncertain as to how I should end this entry, so...