Rage

It's morning breakfast rush, nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary. He walks down from his cube over to the canteen, like he does every morning, ready for the minor, insignificant, yet infuriating slight that invariably occurs due to the hateful combination of obliviousness and entitlement of people in general. The goal: to get a bagel and toast it and get out without any kind of interaction that would make him want to kill someone else. The result? Fail. He acquires his bagel. He moves to the toaster. Both are occupied. So he waits. Patiently, until one is free. As he starts to move forward, someone steps in front of him, steals his place. Inside him a nuclear bomb goes off. The person apparently had a moment of clarity, actualization, sentience and inquires, "Oh, I'm sorry, did I jump in front of you"? To which He replies "Yes, you did. It's fine." Attempting to keep up the ruse of tolerance. His expression is stoic. Inside he is a boiling cauldron of hate and destruction. He is not meant for human interaction. He has no time or desire to suffer these fools. In his head, he imagines a different world...

"Yeah, you moved in front of me. Fortunately for you, I'm in a decent mood today. See, none of you motherfuckers mean enough to me to worry about. The ONLY reason I don't murder each and every single one of you is because I don't want to have to spend the rest of my days in prison because I extinguished your worthless, miserable existence. THAT is how much I value your life. So yeah, the fact that you moved in front of me is infinitely insignificant. I've already caved in your skull in my head five different times with five different weapons, all of which are currently within my reach."

This is how he keeps his sanity.

Fog

Total strangers. Fuck them. Who are they? Nobody knows. And nobody cares. And that's how it should be, I guess. But what about people who aren't strangers? What about friends, acquaintances, people you know? You don't expect a total stranger to ask you if you need to talk... or to genuinely ask how you are doing. You wouldn't expect a total stranger to sit there patiently while you wax passionately about all the trouble in your life, about all the stupid shit that bothers you, about how you feel and why you just need someone to talk to. No, of course not. That'd be silly. Friends, however... fuck I don't know. I thought the way it worked, friends were supposed to be people you could talk to. People who would take time and stop what they were doing to make time for you, if you needed it. And not get annoyed if you accidentally start talking at the same time they do. Friends, I thought, were supposed to be there for each other. Be empathetic. Care, worry, be concerned for each other. If some stranger dies do I really give a shit? No. I don't know that person and me caring isn't going to change anything one way or another, so I'd rather not waste the energy. Some chick murdered her boyfriend? I don't care. Some women escaped after being kidnapped for years, or something like that? Really just don't give a shit. I don't know any of them and could literally not care less. Now. As apathy-laden as I am for strangers, I am at least as empathetic toward my friends. If I'm in the middle of something I really enjoy and a friend calls I will stop what I'm doing and give them my full, undivided attention, and not even get annoyed. Because they need me at that moment. I will listen on the phone, attentively, for hours if need be, to their problems, how they feel about things, their stressful times, just because they need someone at that moment to vent to. I will support them in any venture they choose. Do you know what I have come to realize? The opposite is not always... actually, the opposite is rarely true. I honestly don't remember the last time anyone was there for me. How the fuck is that fair? If I'm listening to you complain and vent to me for an hour and a half on the phone, do I not get to say anything? Apparently that's the way of things because if I happen to comment, and you continue the sentence you were just saying, and I ACCIDENTALLY interrupt you, I get this irritated sigh, as if your tolerance for me is nearly at it's end. Oh. I'm sorry. Excuse the fuck out of me. I thought I was a human being. "I don't really have time right now" - that's the fucking response I get when I need someone to talk to. I guess it doesn't fucking matter. It's not a two way street. I am here for the benefit of other fucking people and nothing more. Fine. I can do that shit. You want me to not bother you? You've obviously never seen how determined a scorpio can be when he sets his mind to something. Years from now when you wonder just what the fuck happened, maybe you should take a moment and examine your life. Your actions, your decisions. Maybe once in a fucking while, take time to be there for someone who might need you. Open your fucking eyes and see when someone else needs help. You talk about being invisible? You say that you feel as though people ignore you and just don't see you there? And only really acknowledge you when they need something? Yeah, I can relate to that. Except much closer to home. This is why I hate people. Fucking selfish, egocentric, short sided opportunists. And apparently that applies to everyone a little. But hey, now that I know that, I can move through life more prepared. No more lasting connections for me. No more deep bonds. No more soulful experiences. Fuck all that noise. Apparently that was all in my imagination. It apparently wasn't mutual. This just means I can let the inner asshole motherfucker that I usually try to keep suppressed, out all the time now. SO FUCK YOU ALL.

As it turns out...

I heard someone opining the other day about how guys always say "girls/women always go after the guy who will treat them like shit" or girls will say "guys always go after the easy girl ... " ad infinitum, and their point was that while that may be the case once in a while, the fact is that most of the time the guy or girl in this scenario has just tried to pick up or be picked up by someone who was way out of his or her league. I think I may have to agree with this. I have a lot of respect for this person and value their opinion. And when I apply this formula to my own past experiences, it holds true. Unfortunately, that sobers things up a bit, levels the playing field and exposes a rather harsh truth: the fact that if you are one of the people who feel this way (as was I), you haven't met the right person yet, and there exists the very real possibility that you will not. Therefore, you have to prepare yourself for one of three eventualities: Either change your entire perspective on life, get used to being alone, or be ok with settling for less than what you think you deserve or see yourself with, just to keep from being alone.

Unfortunately, for me, it exposes an even more harsh truth: I am not sure I can successfully be in a relationship. The very idea of spending time around people, hanging out with someone for several days in a row, not having any time to myself - it fills me with a sense of anxiety and stress. It gets hard to breathe, and the idea that in order to be in a relationship, I have to give up this time, really does not appeal to me. Which is weird. There are so many times when I lament about being alone. But if I really hated being alone so much, would the prospect of spending time with other human beings, several nights in a row, really upset me so much? After working all day, busting my ass in the gym, putting up with all the retards who sit around me, dealing with irate users and machines that live to cause me stress, all I want when I get home is quiet. I want to be able to be silent, not have to talk to anyone, or acknowledge anyone, not have to listen, or entertain or be responsible for anything other than whatever I plan to do in the next moment. And that brings up something else - I don't think I like being responsible for someone else's happiness. it just seems like a really bad idea, given how moody I am at times. There are times I don't even like myself. I don't know. It's a work in progress and I'm trying really hard to suppress all this negative shit. It's manifesting in strange ways though - bad decisions on my part, failures, (which shall never be discussed on this medium) mis-communications, boring routines, etc. Naturally I see this as just more proof that I should not willingly mingle with human beings. I'm just not like them. Nothing good can come of it.

The shit of it all

What's the point? Have you ever asked yourself that question? For me, the answer is obvious: Morbid Curiosity. I need to see what the next fucked up thing life will swing my way. My job. I am where I will be. There is no promotions. Not for what I do. And unless you are in the upper echelons of management, I am not sure "promotions" are a real thing anyway. Not in the sense that most people know them anyway. I think most modern promotions are basically just added responsibility with no increase in pay. So, what's the point? You have to pay your bills... but how much of your bills are in support of or because of your job? And if you boil it down, why would you want that kind of life anyway? Humans are supposed to be LIVING life... not just existing, not just getting by... the majority of us don't ever have that opportunity. By the time we've worked long enough and hard enough to get to a point where we can, financially, enjoy life, we're old. Well I'm old anyway. And I'm nowhere near financially able to enjoy life. I can't even afford to take a vacation. I've never really been able to wrap my mind around that anyway - go somewhere, pay hundreds to thousands of dollars a week to sleep in a hotel because it happens to be by an ocean... or close to an ocean. It's just another example of how I do not belong in the ranks of the mass retards that walk this planet. I swear, the more I am around people and the more I tell myself I can handle the overheard stories about their annoying kids or deal with seeing them out in public in their fucking pajamas, the more I seriously do not want to be part of this population. And forget trying to reach out to someone on any kind of personal, emotional level - WITHOUT FAIL, people's selfish tendencies kick in and they take your moment of weakness, your one moment where you open up to someone, you take the advice of friends and reach out to another human being and they take that opportunity to piss on your need. So fuck em. Fuck them every one. Seriously - a cabin in the mountains by myself is sounding better and better all the time.

Purpose

If Purpose is what drives us as a person, and we have no purpose, then we are ultimately not going anywhere.

I have often wondered what purpose humanity serves, aside from just existing. Is it a requirement that we serve a purpose? or is it just enough to exist? if you examine that thought process on more of a granular level, then you can theorize that if no one in an entire society served a single purpose, and opted instead for the "simply existing" role, that society would rapidly collapse. I think humans in general need to feel as though they are needed. Like their existence means something. There is a reason they are here. A purpose. Otherwise, a person's life has no meaning, and therefore their actions have no consequences. If a cog in a machine has no purpose, then the absence of said cog would not be missed. It could fall apart, it could blip out of existence, it could just simply rust away over in a dark corner - none of it would matter. So we need to feel needed. Otherwise, ... well I suppose the more driven, more determined members of humanity would be inspired and challenged to push that much harder to find a purpose. But I would be willing to wager half the population, maybe more, would just commit suicide. Especially in modern times, where most of the people alive exist in a "entitled" state of mind where everything should be for their taking, with minimal effort from them. The funny thing is, I am not sure how many people would even understand where I'm coming from by writing this. I think I am biased toward the negative, cynical thought processes of life. But when you see negative examples of things that could have a happy, positive outcome, and it happens over, and over, and OVER again, one begins to wonder what the point in even trying to be positive is. For example - imagine, if you will, a race of aliens. Through a fluke of science, they just flashed in to existence one day. One minute they were not there, and the next they simply were. All of which were asexual - no gender difference, no ability to procreate. What purpose would that race serve? There may very well be one, but in my negative bias, as soon as this race blipped in to being, they began the demise of their lives. They serve no purpose and there is no reason why they shouldn't be dead. Whatever. I'm too tired to give much of a fuck right now.

confusion

Different levels of trust or is it an all or nothing thing? I've never really thought about it before. Can you "sort of" trust someone? Are there different degrees of trust? Is it fair to either trust someone completely or not at all? I think ultimately, it has to be this way - while I don't believe in levels or degrees of trust, on the way to trusting someone, you are building it up - like a ramp, the pinnacle of which is complete and total trust. Seems like every time I am on that ramp something happens to knock me off of it. So, I guess the real question is, why the fuck do I keep trying to get back on it? What's the point? can anyone ever be totally trusted? I'm beginning to think probably not. What's the point? I am apparently a relic from a long since dead time. I don't belong on this planet with these humans. I do not see as they see, I do not live as they live, I do not believe as they believe. I do not feel as they feel. I consider my actions. I try to imagine how those actions will affect others in my life. No, I don't always get it right. But at least I try. I'm just sick of the bullshit. I'm sick of all the half-attempts disguised as earnest. I'm sick of people being able to look me directly in the eyes and lie without blinking. What fucking happened to the social conscious - to morals, to even a tenuous connection to what is right and wrong? I can admit when I am wrong, I can take responsibility and blame for my actions. I'm not trying to push all fault away from me. I'm just tired of trying to keep my negativity, my cynicism, my hatred and disdain for people in general and their naturally selfish tendencies, at bay. I'm tired of allowing myself to believe, like some simple fool, that I can have a normal relationship. And that people mean what they say and act on good intentions. Nobody does anything not born of some kind of selfish origin. If you hold out your hand to help your fellow man, it will be lopped off without even so much as an acknowledgement or blink of an eye. I'm about finished with this world. With this existence. I'm ready to move on. It's just the same shit over and over at this point. And all of it is bad.