Brainwashing.

noun

1.

a method for systematically changing attitudes or altering beliefs, originated in totalitarian countries, especially through the use of torture, drugs, or psychological-stress techniques.

2.

any method of controlled systematic indoctrination, especially one based on repetition or confusion: brainwashing by TV commercials.

3.

an instance of subjecting or being subjected to such techniques: efforts to halt the brainwashing of captive audiences.

So, if you are an avid whitewater rafter, and suddenly, for whatever reason, you start seeing campaigns on television about how rafting has a negative impact on the environment, and it's such a widespread campaign that the social consciousness not only becomes aware of rafting, but develops an intense hatred of all things rafting, you will eventually convince yourself that "hey, rafting is bad, I should stop" even though in the past, no evidence of any of this has ever been made aware to you, and you've spent a lot of time on the river. 

Point is, "brainwashing" isn't just something used by totalitarian governments. You can be brainwashed by the most innocuous of things. Naturally, rarely do people identify this as brainwashing. If any credit is actually ever given to an outside source for the opinions or outlooks we've suddenly taken up, it's referred to as some sort of "external influence". 

And then there is the stubborn who, in spite of the constant bombardment, try to hold on to what they believe to be true. Kudos to them. They are the ones we should look to for guidance. If you like popped collars, in spite of all the douche nozzles wearing their popped collars (just google popped collar) and you continue to pop your collar, I say good for you. 

My point here in all this nonsensical stream of consciousness is this: it is difficult to keep your opinions, about whatever - yourself, what you believe, what you feel, what you want - in the face of so much opposition. If you constantly have people telling you the sky is brown and you see brown sky, even though you KNOW it to be blue, it's hard not to believe that we live under a sky of shit. Sometimes for more reasons other than the most obvious. If you've stumbled on to this page and are reading this now, trying to hurry to the end so you can (rightly so) say "WHAT THE FUCK"? with a puzzled look on your face. Don't bother, this was more for me than for any of you.  

Sensory deprivation chamber. That's what I need right now. Or is it? Would that be the worst thing for me ... b/c yeah, no that's what I need.

Screaming in to silence
watching the world go by
viewing through tiny windows
no one will bother to try

It's just too easy to forget
to not have to know me
it's dark in my cell
but do I want to be free

at least here I am king
here I control the rain
they forget who I am
comforted by the pain

Riddles so I don't have to say it
seems deep that way
when it's really just pain
This way no one has to play

They cant hear me and no one ever looks up
the wind howls inside my mind
the torch eventually blows out
making me ever harder to find
                                    S62211

sound of silence

Once in a while I am overcome with the knowledge and feeling that even though I am surrounded by people on a daily basis, I am standing in the middle of a black room, totally alone, with a single light illuminating the spot in which I'm standing. Today is one of those days. I have a few good friends, people who can always count on me to be there when they need me. And generally, they are there when I want to chat - they may not know that me "chatting" is my way of saying that I need someone to talk to and need to have that energy exchange... and I don't bother telling them. The thing is, people got their own thing going on and the fact of the matter is unless you are involved with someone on a romantic basis, generally, regardless how close your friends are, they aren't going to be involved in your lives to the point where they will notice something as easy to miss as a 'need to talk to someone' mood. Ultimately, none of this matters. That is why I'm doing this fucking inane blog. It's a release... a substitute for that energy exchange...there is no one in the world who  cares that I am writing this right now. I will go to bed with that still being the case, and I will awake tomorrow with that same truth being constant. I believe that is why you can't ever really rely on other people. Yes, once in a while people can and will surprise you, but ultimately someone else cannot fix your problems. You have to do that for yourself. And I am not looking for someone to fix me. If I can't fix myself, someone else damn sure isn't going to be able to. All I'm saying is, once in a while it would be nice to have someone to spend time with and share thoughts with. You know, the funny thing is, I analyze shit to such a degree, that in typing that sentence out, mentally, I took it about 4 levels deeper - I felt guilty for thinking that because I knew that in order for me to get what I want, someone else would have to take time out of their lives and stop thinking about their problems - something that would be very important to them, and focus instead on me. This is why we can 't have nice things. Actually it's probably better that I don't have anyone to date or spend time with on any kind of romantic level, eventually, I would poison the relationship and maybe end up ruining the person.

I seriously have a love/hate relationship with this blog thing. I love the fact that I have some place convenient to go and write, that I don't have to worry about being subject to hard drive failure ... but I hate the fact that if someone were to read this, I would totally come off as some kind of fucking self-pitying emo cunt who has a low self esteem and a shitty outlook on life. FUCKBERRIES!!!!!!! I am so totally not that person, and I think it's all about context. Context and state of mind at the time of the writing. As much as I hate to admit this, and if ever asked about it, I will say my blog was hacked - sometimes it's good to emote, to feel, to actually have emotion. God. Damn. It. It's time to get my rage on. I'm going to the gym.

Planetary Science

So I'm back from three+ weeks in atlanta and charlotte, and apparently having been away from the house for that long, my body has forgotten my bed. Haven't slept well since friday... so, lying in bed last night, I was thinking, human life ... specifically the social interaction of human life, mimics planetary science. I have never been in a debate club and don't understand the details involved in creating a good argument. To me it sounds like they are making a statement, and then voicing opinions on what that statement is feasible.  So, that's what I will be doing here.

In a solar system, you have planets, moons, stars and asteroids or some other foreign body. Obviously, the most important of all those solar bodies is the star. Without light and heat, nothing survives. Then would be the planets, because they are the only thing, as far as we know, that can support life. Then moons, and then asteroids.

In this analogy, the star, I believe, would be represented by Love/compassion/respect/caring, etc. the desire to get along, to be social creatures and to coexist. For survival, that is a basic need - the odds for survival are better as a group than as an individual. The planets represent the more prestigious humans. People with more status with more money, better looks, more intelligence, what have you... then there are moons, maybe not *quite* as prestigious as the planets, but still important. They help regulate a planet's orbit, helping to keep them on a single axis, stabilizing their spin and regulating their seasons. These moons represent the person's mate. The love of their life. Or their best friend. Generally the most important person in the "planet's" life. Together they compliment each other. While both could survive and possibly even thrive without the other, they'd never be quite as good apart as they are together. The asteroids are at once the bane and the blessing of the solar system. They basically serve no purpose other than to bash in to other solar bodies. They have no responsibility, and live to have fun and fly about. But they are a necessity - they deposit much needed minerals in to the planets and moons when they crash in to them. Sometimes a gentle nudge from an asteroid is all that a body needs to move it in to the proper orbit of a planet, or star...

People, while most are probably too busy or too oblivious to notice, behave a lot like solar bodies. For the most part, everyone is part of some community, some society... whether it is a sprawling metropolis, or an intimate village. Some people we meet in life have distinct orbits of their own - and sometimes those orbits are congruent to ours. When that happens, when two people meet and they are locked in each others orbit, it's a grand thing and "happily ever after" ensues... But sometimes people come in to our lives who were really only meant to be here a short time... regardless of how much we may think they belong, they are just passing through... they aren't in sync with our orbits. They have their own orbit and it has been my experience that there is nothing that can be done to change that, and no good ever comes of trying.

So this is it. This is why I believe people are like planets. We're all orbiting around together, crashing in to each other, dancing for a while, sometimes moving on - but all together around a mutual need to coexist.

Case and point

Funny how easily the mind can be tricked. A smile, a gesture, a kind word... darkness.

Everybody has their dark nights
Everybody has their demons to fight.
Everybody knows that dawn will come
But not everybody can see the sun

Everybody fears what truths they see
Everybody longs to be free
Everybody needs to have a friend
But not everybody gets one in the end

Everybody screams inside their head
Everybody bleeds the color red
Everybody needs to be understood
But not everybody truly should

Everybody writes these sort of words
Everybody sort of needs to be heard
Everybody sings the songs they sing
But not everybody's songs have a happy ring

Shane 6.16.11

One Side or the Other

So, for a while now, I have sort of been on the fence about chaos versus order in the universe. I have always wanted to believe in order - that there is logic, rhyme, reason to why things happen. If you're a good person and you do good deeds, good things will happen to you. If you work hard, you will get promoted, you will get a raise. If you drive carefully, you will be safe and have low insurance premiums. Sadly, I have recently given in and succumbed to reality: The Universe cannot be based on order because no matter what you do, no matter how you are, no matter what you deserve, sometimes shit just happens... or doesn't happen. It is rarely based on anything you as an individual actually do. The bottom line of this is, you should never do something because of what the outcome may be - you should only ever do things because you want or need to. Do it because it is what you want, do it because you enjoy it or because you believe it should be done. Because if you go through life doing shit based on what you think or hope may happen because you did something, you will be CONSTANTLY disappointed.

This flies in the face of the "butterfly effect ripple theory" that I have about how every action causes some reaction... every thing you do, every movement, every thought, etc... I still believe that b/c it's different than what I'm talking about here. One is a belief that things happen based on your actions, the other is a belief that your actions have consequences and could be catalyst for causing other things to happen in a chain reaction of sorts... I know that sounds similar, but it isn't... it's just that a text-based form of communication isn't the best forum for trying to explain something as shapeless as this.

Example - I posted yesterday or something... about change. Specifically, me, stepping out of my zone of comfort. It was an experiment I suppose... an effort on my part to change, and see what would happen. Again, the correct way to do this is to change b/c it is what I want... not because of what I was hoping would happen... because what I was hoping didn't happen... and ultimately this proves my point that really, it doesn't matter what we do... we cannot dynamically cause things to happen or not happen in the universe. There is no relation, either inverse or direct, to what we do and what happens to us. But hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained... or in this case, nothing lost.

One thing I do know for sure, hindsight is a fucking bitch. Living life looking in the rear view mirror is no fun at all.

New day dawning

But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today.
and then they'll paint it
And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and they'll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.
                                        - Blind Melon - Change

I think that's fitting for the mood I'm in. But I want to amend that sentiment: You have to change, even when life isn't hard. If you stay static, you will be static. "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten". I think some people have no problem with this. It's easy to continue doing what you are doing. It rewards you with familiarity and in that, security and a peace of mind that comes with knowing you have a base of operations - a place to go when you need to unwind, chill out and recharge your batteries. Things here will be predictable and you are in total control. But the down side to that is just that very thing - predictability. Sometimes, that familiarity can get to be monotonous and you need to change things up and see what happens. While I believe "The Secret" was a scam, I do believe in the power of positive thinking, which is basically what that was all about. I believe also, that there are, all around us, patterns of the universe. We just have to be able to recognize them. That gets a little in to the book, "God's Debris", but still relevant, I believe. Point being, like the butterfly effect, your actions have consequences, and those consequences can reverberate back and have an affect on your actions. Ad infinitum.

I have recently taken this theory to the next level and have attempted some experiments. Now, don't misunderstand and think I am some genius-level intelligent type. Not so much, I simply wanted my life to change, so I did it more out of necessity than any curiosity of whether or not it would actually work... It does. Or so it seems. It could be that the things that are different in my life, have always been there, and are actually not different, I just have never noticed before, a new pattern, as it were. Point being, I have actively started doing things over the past month or so, that I have purposefully stayed away from before because they were things that made me uncomfortable, or because I thought it would cause me stress or drama... truth is, we as a species are much more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for. Or maybe I should say, as individuals... Or at least I am. This is scary new territory for me and I have no idea what to expect... I am on unfamiliar ground and each step I take is a new experience for me. That is good and bad. Good is everything is new... bad is I am not necessarily in control here. That's something else I am not used to. But so far, the results of stepping outside of my bubble have been good. Ultimately, that and my happiness, and interest are all that matters. And so far, I am happy, I am interested and at the risk of sounding a little conceited, I am proud of the steps I have taken and the efforts put forth. yay me.

New Horizons

Epiphanies are a funny thing... sort of a love/hate relationship going on there. I guess ultimately it depends entirely on the epiphany. The realization that you no longer care about television and resulting cancellation of your cable account, can be a good epiphany, with a good result. The realization that you do not come off to other people as you see yourself in your head, well that could be an epiphany of a different color altogether. Because if you are the type who considers things, who thinks about stuff... who manages, somehow, on every single conscious day to find some new and as yet unexplored facet to your life to question and delve in to, then this may be somewhat of an identity crisis. e.g. a bad epiphany. This happened to me recently. And while I haven't fallen completely in to the identity crisis black hole, I am teetering on the edge. I guess I'm just tired of things. I really give a shit what people think of me. I am who I am and other people's opinions be damned. Thing is, I am not an offensive person. Or I don't mean to be... and sometimes, apparently, I do just that inadvertently, when offense is the farthest from my mind. I don't know if it is a lack of ability to express accurately what I feel... or if somewhere along the way my wires just got crossed up... and when I think I'm being funny, as it turns out, I am being cruel. Or something. IDK. With a total of what, ten lines? I have already spent entirely too much energy on this BS.

So I'm in atlanta for ten days. I like atlanta. Seems like people here are pretty laid back, which I didn't expect at all. But what I like best about it is while it is a proper city, whoever designed it, did a good thing and left in the trees. Everywhere you look there are trees. Trees lining streets, trees in the middle of city blocks, trees down the center of the street - it's awesome. It puts me in the mind of some ancient, old civilization that is living in concert with the environment around it. This weekend is going to be boring as hell. Lots of stuff to do, but I get bored doing stuff by myself... There is a concert tonight though, in the courtyard - I may go to that... depending on what kind of music it is... but I think this is all for now. Time to get back to work.