sound of silence

Once in a while I am overcome with the knowledge and feeling that even though I am surrounded by people on a daily basis, I am standing in the middle of a black room, totally alone, with a single light illuminating the spot in which I'm standing. Today is one of those days. I have a few good friends, people who can always count on me to be there when they need me. And generally, they are there when I want to chat - they may not know that me "chatting" is my way of saying that I need someone to talk to and need to have that energy exchange... and I don't bother telling them. The thing is, people got their own thing going on and the fact of the matter is unless you are involved with someone on a romantic basis, generally, regardless how close your friends are, they aren't going to be involved in your lives to the point where they will notice something as easy to miss as a 'need to talk to someone' mood. Ultimately, none of this matters. That is why I'm doing this fucking inane blog. It's a release... a substitute for that energy exchange...there is no one in the world who  cares that I am writing this right now. I will go to bed with that still being the case, and I will awake tomorrow with that same truth being constant. I believe that is why you can't ever really rely on other people. Yes, once in a while people can and will surprise you, but ultimately someone else cannot fix your problems. You have to do that for yourself. And I am not looking for someone to fix me. If I can't fix myself, someone else damn sure isn't going to be able to. All I'm saying is, once in a while it would be nice to have someone to spend time with and share thoughts with. You know, the funny thing is, I analyze shit to such a degree, that in typing that sentence out, mentally, I took it about 4 levels deeper - I felt guilty for thinking that because I knew that in order for me to get what I want, someone else would have to take time out of their lives and stop thinking about their problems - something that would be very important to them, and focus instead on me. This is why we can 't have nice things. Actually it's probably better that I don't have anyone to date or spend time with on any kind of romantic level, eventually, I would poison the relationship and maybe end up ruining the person.

I seriously have a love/hate relationship with this blog thing. I love the fact that I have some place convenient to go and write, that I don't have to worry about being subject to hard drive failure ... but I hate the fact that if someone were to read this, I would totally come off as some kind of fucking self-pitying emo cunt who has a low self esteem and a shitty outlook on life. FUCKBERRIES!!!!!!! I am so totally not that person, and I think it's all about context. Context and state of mind at the time of the writing. As much as I hate to admit this, and if ever asked about it, I will say my blog was hacked - sometimes it's good to emote, to feel, to actually have emotion. God. Damn. It. It's time to get my rage on. I'm going to the gym.