All good things...

People say "nothing lasts forever" and "all good things must come to an end". I really don't like that notion. Why? Why do good things have to end? Obviously we are all going to die so everything, at some point will end. Five billion years from now, the Sun will go all red giant and expand out passed the orbit of the earth, and this little blue planet will be no more. Our solar system, at that point, will be at the precipice of the end. But more immediately, why? Why can't good things last? If two people are enjoying each other's company, and the time they spend together, why does it have to end? Because invariably people will always be enticed by "the other side". The what-ifs. The prospective notion that there is the possibility that you will find more happiness than what you currently have. What is so attractive about that notion? Are people so discontent with what they have, that they always want more, regardless of whether they need it or that unnamed thing is better than what they currently have? Why can't human beings be happy with what they have? Would the world immediately end if we just accepted our current state as being just right? I don't have any answers, all I know is that right now I'm in a shitty mood and the notion that if I do end up being happy, at some point, this idiom ensures that it won't last. That pisses me off, so what's the point then?

Ring

She pulled in the driveway, no smile on her face. She got out of the car and he felt it. It washed over him like a burning acid. Her eyes were kind, pitying, morose. The weight on his chest was almost more than he could stand. He made a good effort to push it back, but it was for naught. Her words cut through him like a laser. Something about being sorry and meeting someone and moving away... he only caught pieces as his grasp on the conscious moment was tenuous. She reached for his hand and clasped her's over it, leaving the ring. He was always of the persuasion if this had to be done, make it short and sweet. When those words came back, they hit him like a brick. Short and sweet. He smiled and nodded. Even as he did so, he could feel all the memories they created together slipping away. Desperately he tried to retrieve them, to no avail. His legs felt weak and he steadied himself on the fender of his truck. She drove away and out of his life forever. He opened his hand to look at the ring, but it was a wavy, unsteady blur as his eyes filled. She was all he ever knew, all he ever wanted. She was his world. In her he could have happily drowned. He always knew if this happened, he would not be long for this world afterwards. "...I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star... in somebody else's sky..." He clutched the ring tightly in his hand, as he walked to The Place, he said to himself "O m'anam, Anam Cara"

S82412

Ymir

The sound of silence
the death bell rings
explosion of frustration
screaming to no one
Hatred of nothing
searching for meaning
dancing with myself
I'm a horrible companion
misery loves solitude
sweet songs of absolution
no voice, no music
no moon, no sun
speeding toward a brick wall
yet going nowhere
exponential monotony
days bleed over borders
nights are no separation
walking asleep
living in dreams
memories are blurry
avatar is masked
identity is misplaced
who am I?
where did I go?
where are you?
what is this place?
When will it end?

s82312

Warrior Poet

I've slayed the dragon
I've helped the poor
No payment is asked
Such is my lore

I've mended the shed
I've plowed the fields
My thirst unquenched
I dare not reveal

I've soared the skies
I've roamed the land
Just searching for her
To take my hand

My quest continues
Im getting old
My desire is constant
My bed is cold

My back is strong
It supports the stress
My will is known
Where is my princess?

S81712

Questioning My Sanity

Aside from being a pretty decent song by the female punk metal band "L7", that's sort of the way I feel right now. Imagine, if you will, a square. Like a floor tile. Twelve inches by twelve inches. You're standing on it. You're in the middle of a cavernous room, surrounded by a lot of nothing, except for the aforementioned "cavern". You can't see the floor, you can faintly see something in any direction except directly behind you. If you turn around and look directly behind you, a very clear, easy to follow path of other 12x12 tiles maps out where you have been. Other than that, there is no floor. Sconces cast their flickering light on the cavern walls all around you, what little of them you can see. You know, beyond a shadow of doubt you want to go forward, not at all interested in going back, but you have no idea how to take the next step. You see, an indeterminate distance away, a safe haven, a very appealing looking ledge with good cover and protection from the cavern air. A good place to set up camp for a while. You want to get to that destination. But how? Or maybe you know you want to take a chance on getting to any of the cavern walls you can faintly see in the distance, in any direction, but how? The only two things for certain are you definitely don't want to stay where you are any longer, and you don't want to go back where you have been. The desire to go forward, to be in any location other than where you currently are is so powerful, it feels like a physical thing, taking up space somewhere in the middle of your chest. So what are you supposed to do? If you look directly forward, in front of the tile on which you are standing, all you see is pitch black. You have no idea what will happen if you take that timid next step. How are you supposed to step confidently on to absolute uncertainty? So, if you can't figure out how to move forward, you can't go back, currently your only option is to stand where you are, what then is the point? Where is the logic in continuing that stagnate existence? What functional purpose does it serve to continue on, standing on that one tile? The answer is, of course, that in this hypothetical scenario, there would be absolutely no reason to continue on. If you can't figure out how to go forward, going back is not an option, staying where you are serves absolutely no purpose. No happiness will come of it, no function will be served, no one will be helped. Sometimes I envy people whose deepest thought is (insert inane sports comment here)

I'm sitting here on my "lunch" break. In my quiet contemplation l'm taken back to times passed when i worried about what she was doing when i wasn't around, what she thought about, how she really felt and where it would all end up. Happiness was as easy as riding around listening to the radio watching the wind whip her hair about as her perfume subtly said "this is for you". Knowing that eternity rest soundly in the next second and the past just didn't matter. For that moment in time, two were one and there was a shared experience, just as there was a shared consciousness. Inside me erupted a volcano of chaotic, confused emotion and life was as it appeared. Now? Now just is. It too is as it appears, but the difference is not unlike the difference between a beautiful waterfall and a barren slab of slate. Both are as they appear, one is just much more appealing than the other.

Reality

Abraham Lincoln once said "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be". I guess that's true enough. That statement assumes a lot of things though. It assumes that your reality is everything you believe it to be. Most often times, it isn't. For example, if you have two close friends, of opposite sex, and one of them asks the other "what do you think of me"? The response will most likely be something to the effect of "I like you", or "you're a good person". That is because by default, most people really don't want to know the truth, and most people really aren't comfortable saying the truth. No one wants to hear "well, I think you are messy, unkempt, you have bad grammar and when you talk, you sound uneducated." Mainly because people live in a world of truth they create for themselves where they are always right, do no wrong and hurt no one. Everybody does it. Anyone who has an ego anyway, because we as people need to believe this sort of "truth". But if that is the case, isn't absolutely-every-single relationship between two people on the planet a lie? Just a lie we are willing to live with. Where is the line that separates a friend from a romantic interest? Is it just a different set of truths? What about two friends of the same sex? I don't think same sex friends have this problem. I don't know about women, since I am a guy and can only pull from my own experiences, but I have told my guy friends what I thought when asked, and vice versa. Sometimes without even being asked, lol. But it was the truth, wasn't sugar coated. Is that because same sex friends feel as though they have nothing to lose from the truth? Or maybe men and women shouldn't be friends? So then, what is reality? I mean I know tomorrow when I get off work and walk outside, it will be morning and the sun will be in the sky and the sky will be blue and up will still be up and down will still be down, etc. I don't mean the fundamentals of reality, I'm speaking more about reality of humankind. Take me for example. I am alone. And I am beginning to believe that is the reality I want. Sure, I do crave some kind of connection... It would be nice to have a relationship. But if that was so important to me, wouldn't I be doing any and everything to achieve that goal? I mean I have to think it wouldn't even be a conscious option. I think every aspect of my being would be motivated toward that one achievement - finding a mate. But it isn't. I have ridiculously high standards, I come up with all kinds of stupid reasons why I don't date, or why woman X wouldn't be a good match for me, etc. So doesn't that mean that my default reality - the reality I want to have in my life, the basis for my life, is that of being alone? I don't have to answer to anyone, I don't have to account for any actions or explain my beliefs or behavior to anyone. It's a great freedom to come and go as I please, but freedom has a cost and my cost is the coming and going is always done alone. I come home to an empty house and my only companion is that of silence. But isn't this a reality of my own making? Haven't I personally carved and sculpted this existence out for myself? Why then am I unhappy? I should be loving the life I live. A friend said something to me that really got me to thinking about this, it was basically a lament about being alone when she is older. In the split second it took me to wonder a myriad of different things that shall not be given life to here, it also occurred to me that she is worried of having a life that I am leading. Naturally part of me thought this was funny, it's the same part of me that laughs when watching faces of death movies and thinks dead baby jokes are funny. And while that part of me was humoring over this, another part of me was realizing that my life is someone else's (possibly) worst fear. That's a sobering thought. And one I am really only just now wrapping my head around. So I'm changing my point of view. I don't want to be alone, but I do want a reality that most likely isn't possible. I want to have that companionship, but not have to sacrifice who I am. I don't know why, but it seems as though in the world in which we live, it has to be one or the other. At least in my world. That sucks and this is getting to be depressing so I'm going to go listen to some music and try to take my mind elsewhere. Actually, so I can remember this and "bookmark" these feelings, I'm going to leave the words to a NIN song called "Only", as it seems to fit both the subject and my mood... Oh, and fuck off Abe. This is a different world than when you were around.


"Only"

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself [x2]
Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside

Philosophies of life and finding the new me

I'm starting a new project. The last project I took on was the building of a fire pit, which I believe, turned out pretty well. I've only had it a few months and there have already been some good memories made. Now I am doing something I have wanted to do for years. I am building a blacksmithing forge. Funny thing is, the reason why I am doing this, and the reason it has taken so long, are intertwined. I believe in the immediate gratification world in which we live, where you can go to the internet and listen to any song you can think of, shop online, order food online, watch movies, etc we, as a society, are losing the abilities to actually do things. Working with our hands is becoming somewhat of a thing of the past. Or at least that's the way it seems to me and for the purpose of this post, and this idea. My dad, for example - dude is 80 years old this past june 1. He is constantly working, doing something, making things, fixing things, being active. He knows how to work with his hands because he's done it all his life. I am learning from him and am thankful he has those abilities and that drive. I will never be the man my dad is, but I hope in attempting to follow in his footsteps, I can honor his life at least some. Dad has taught me... well, pretty much my entire troubleshooting skill set. He taught me to look at a problem and work it down to its most basic pieces and start from there. I have also learned the joy of turning bowls out of wood from him. I have made a few, and while I'm not nearly as good as he is, I'm getting better. This new project I am taking on will be the first large scale of my own making, that will allow me to create things with my hands, like dad does with his bowls. Initially I plan on making knives, because I know a lot about knives and other weapons, I understand the different parts and what makes them up. But later on, I will expand my abilities to include anything I can make that will be useful.



So, it begins. Last week, or a couple of weeks ago, not sure when, I discovered videos on youtube of people making homemade forges. I light went off. Ever since I was a little kid, and I went to a craft show with my parents and saw a dude there with a blacksmith forge, making things out of metal, I was in awe. Maybe it was because metal, at least in the relative short lifespan of humans on this planet, seems like a constant, immutable, permanent thing and to be able to manipulate that is akin to some kind of magic, or maybe it just harkens back to a simpler, more appealing time, I don't know while I was so enamored with it, but I was. Since that day I have wanted to do that. But my default approach was "where/how can I buy a forge"? It never occurred to me to just make my own. This goes back to what I was saying about the immediate gratification world in which we live. I'm trying to change my default reaction from watching to doing. Back to the youtube videos - watching these people make a working forge out of everything from a hole in the ground lined with refractory cement, to a dump truck brake drum, to a metal box lined with fire bricks got me to thinking. I thought it would be cool to have some kind of sink, possibly two sinks, one for the forge itself, and one for a quench basin. So this weekend I went scavenging. It didn't take long, actually the first stop I made. I wasn't really sure what I was looking for, but I figured I'd know it when I saw it. I wnt to the local habitat for humanity and found an old kitchen sink. It wasn't but 20 dollars, so I figured what the hell. If it didn't work, I could donate it to my sister's yard sale. I knew the sink part, the coating, was porcelain and I know porcelain is fireproof... What I didn't realize was that the rest of the sink is made of cast iron. As it turns out, it is all around perfect for what I'm going to do. As of right now, I have removed the forge-side drain and the next step is to get some furnace cement, coat the forge side to a quarter of an inch thick or so, then I'm going to buy a cast iron drain cover, a large diameter pipe with a valve, connect that pipe to a smaller diameter pipe and to that, I will connect a hair dryer for use as a bellows. I can disconnect the bellows pipe from the large diameter pipe when I need to clean out the forge side, and turn the valve and dump all my cinders and ashes down the "drain". On the other side of the sink will be my quench basin, just a sink full of water. For that side I am leaving the drain in place and will get a simple PVC pipe with a valve that I can close to hold the water in. Then it's just a matter of buying some metal tubing and building a frame and my forge is complete. I am very excited and plan on taking pictures along the way. Unfortunately, one crucial piece of the blacksmith forge has yet to be purchased. And I cannot make this. It's the anvil. It's something I am absolutely going to need, and will have to purchase. Again, unfortunately, those things are expensive. Around 250 dollars for a good 75pound anvil. So for now I will be using my 3/4 thick steel hammer plate for an anvil. Crude, but it will suffice. It has to.

Recognition

Lost on an angry sea of black
Pushing forward, no looking back
The Piper must be paid his debt
For good times had, must not forget

I remember sunny days and fields of green
Starry nights and mountain streams
The days of my youth are slipping by
I see her face in my mind's eye

The smell of smoke invades my mind
Raucous nights were left behind
Crashed in to a wall of regret
To deny my soul the fear of threat

I wonder how this story ends
Will I be able to make amends
Would that I seed the soil of Fate
That happiness may perpetuate

Drifting alone my hope is waning
Panic sets in; my spirit is draining
Morbid curiosity presses me on
I want to know what lies beyond

Through the Darkness I see a light
Piercing through the murky night
A beacon of hope toward a safe shore
No turmoil here as there was before

Knowing me now gives no reward
Though reading this may strike a chord
Not said enough, no need to pretend
I want to thank you for being my friend

S080912

Yah, yah, yah, same old shit

I'm at my new job two weeks now. Going on three weeks. Meh. It's a paycheck... theoretically... I say that b/c I haven't started receiving any actual pay for this job yet. Hopefully the check is in the mail. But more importantly, I have discovered, well, many things really, not the least of which is there isn't a lot to do at times on this job. Which is why I have time to write here. But more importantly, the two dudes I work with, we're not really compatible. I mean we get along fine, thanks in no small part to my articulate socializing skills ;) but one guy is a hardcore tech geek and the other, as far as I can tell, doesn't actually have a personality to speak of. My witty comments and jokes go largely unnoticed and unappreciated. For example, as I write this, the geek guy is having a conversation with my back about how AMD may be going out of business and their stock prices are plummeting below 4 dollars a share and other intricacies their business structure. Now he has moved on to the mars lander Curiosity. Which is a moderately more interesting conversational topic than the future of AMD, but we really have no common ground on which to meet for conversation, other than a few obscure current events. The other guy is sitting over here with his headphones in, watching some movie on his laptop. I NEED KINDRED INTERRACTION!!!!



On a more personal note, (as I politely nod and acknowledge geekguy's ongoing commentary about Curiosity's current position on Mars and how our modern guidance technology allowed it to land almost in the middle of its target landing zone), I have discovered, not recently by any stretch of the imagination, but some years ago and recently it has been reintroduced to me, I have a LOT of different moods. Right now, for example, I am in a witty, playful, yet needing-to-connect-with-a-like-mind, kind of mood. I would love to have a deep, meaningful conversation about the philosophies of life and how we came to be where we are and the inter-workings of one's mind, and where memories are stored. And as I write that, I realize, it probably - most likely will not happen. It absolutely will not happen with geek guy or personality boy. But I doubt it happens anytime soon. Say, for example, I decide to go to match.com, or plentyoffish.com and search for some kind of mate. First of all, the odds of finding someone are low. Finding someone with whom I can connect - someone with whom I share any kind of common ground... that would be really challenging. If not outright impossible. But as most of my posts on this blog thing are about this very subject, I shall now move on to something else.



Man. Technically, anatomically, genetically that is what I am. A man. I have grown all I will grow, sprouted all the hair I will sprout, my voice has changed and my testicles have dropped. I am officially a man. But what does that mean? A man, to me, is someone like my dad. And I definitely do not see myself being equal to him. I don't even really see myself as being all that grown up. And I'm 40 years old. How does one act like a 40 year old? How does one act like an adult? I have responsibilities, and I handle them, I make my house payment and all my other bills, I mow my yard, I blow my gutters out, etc... but I don't see myself as an "adult man". For example - I know I'm not ugly. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, a whole room of people will not drop what they are doing, stop in mid sentence when I enter, just to notice me. But I'm passable. But I could never imagine someone saying about me "he's a handsome man"... that sounds like they are describing my dad. The man part is what is throwing me. And I'm sure it's a perception thing, I'm not sure I think of any of the women I know, most if not all of which, are over 30, some approaching 40, as "women", I just think of them as girls... so maybe it's just a bubble thing. Anyone outside my life's bubble, I don't have any trouble assigning those labels to, Hugh Jackman, for example - definitely a man. The librarian at the library, definitely a woman. I don't know. It's just another one of those conversational topics that is best suited for those of like-mind, who, even though I don't understand fully what I am trying to say, can see through my haze and get what I'm trying to say.

So im on my lunch break. Since it's 4am and nothing in the building is open, i decided to leave and sit in my car and listen to the radio. Not something i do often. There's a song on the radio called "dirty girl". It starts out "i want a dirty girl". I too want a dirty girl. Someone who isn't afraid to give in to her dark sexual desires and enjoy the carnal human buffet. Someone who likes sex and enjoys exploring all which that encompasses. Someone who is intrigued by trying new things and is open to fetishes. And i know ultimately something like this requires and is based on trust. I get that. And fully support it. Still, part of me, a very big part, believes that any relationship i have with a woman can only be successful to a point and for a finite amount of time if that mutual sexual energy isn't there. More importantly however, i need someone with whom i can connect on a much deeper level. If i start talking about the symbiotic relationship between humans and the universe, in that the basic elements that make all humans - carbon, oxygene, nitrogen, hydrogen - are the same elements in stars. when those stars explode and scatter their guts to the universe, those elements create other planets and other stars, etc ad infinitum, such that not only do we exist in the universe, but we are part of it, and it is part of us. I need her eyes to not glaze over and her mind not to drift off to whatever kesha song is on the radio at that time, i need her to not only understand, but share my fascination and ideally, challenge me intellectually by posing something to me which perhaps i had not considered... So. Where is this chick? I'm waiting...

Dandelion

Do you ever just stop? Stop, and actually take note of the moment in which you are living? It seems like most of the time we as people are too busy with the hustle and bustle of living life, or existing or trying to survive, whatever it is that occupies one's day to day moments, to actually notice the moment we're in. Or maye it's just me. Seems like when I take time to stop - that's when I am inspired to write. And what's it all mean? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Not a single thing will be changed by me taking time to write this entry, tomorrow will unfurl just as it would had I not bothered. So then what... it's this just some sort of exercize of my creative muscles? Use it or lose it sort of thing? Maybe it's a tool to enhance my analytical abilities... which shouldn't need any enhancing. I analyze everything. All the time. Sometimes to no avail, but sometimes it really helps. Seems like when I focus on something and analyze it, that's when I write. Most anyway... I'm glad I have this opportunity, it helps me maintain my sanity. What this does is allow me to say whatever's on my mind, that way if or when I ever actually meet someone, I can proceed like a normal person, even though I am all kinds of screwed up. I can say things on this blog that I would never be able to say to another human. Of course I am working from the perspective that 1) IF anyone ever finds this 2)no one will bother to read through all the drivel and nonsensical stream of consciousness flow to get to any parts that actually mean something to me. The parts that reveal the true me. At least that's what I'm betting on. But you know, what would be so bad about someone "discovering" the real me? It's not as if someone will say "oh, I know you from your blog, I have been wanting to meet someone like you" - (HAH) worst case scenario, someone learns bits and pieces of me that I don't tell just anyone. Oooooo. So? Even though this is a blog, there are things I wouldn't even say here. There are some things that will never be said, not to anyone or in any kind of writing. Some demons are mine and mine alone and it is my duty to keep it that way. And some just wouldn't be interesting to anyone but me anyway. So it'd be pointless. Pretty much like this post. It has about as much direction as a leaf in the wind...

Scattered

The Midnight Sun hides behind her veil
I wish I knew how this would end
This story was born from within
Onward, evermore

She watches over keeping her vigil
It has no origin known to me
Nor do I feel the need to see
Onward, evermore

She gives me the will to go on
What I am and what I know
A long time making , still I grow
Onward, evermore

Sharing her energy, knowing my state
My life plays out in my mind
Revealing the images of that kind
Onward, evermore

Guiding my hand, sealing my fate
In my dream I see a smiling face
It gives me peace and sets the pace
Onward, evermore

We are bonded Kindred
Sifted about like sand on a beach
Always there, always just out of reach
Onward, evermore

When will I see the yeild
How will this play out
Lying naked in a grassy field
I am ready, show me the door

S8112