Reality

Abraham Lincoln once said "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be". I guess that's true enough. That statement assumes a lot of things though. It assumes that your reality is everything you believe it to be. Most often times, it isn't. For example, if you have two close friends, of opposite sex, and one of them asks the other "what do you think of me"? The response will most likely be something to the effect of "I like you", or "you're a good person". That is because by default, most people really don't want to know the truth, and most people really aren't comfortable saying the truth. No one wants to hear "well, I think you are messy, unkempt, you have bad grammar and when you talk, you sound uneducated." Mainly because people live in a world of truth they create for themselves where they are always right, do no wrong and hurt no one. Everybody does it. Anyone who has an ego anyway, because we as people need to believe this sort of "truth". But if that is the case, isn't absolutely-every-single relationship between two people on the planet a lie? Just a lie we are willing to live with. Where is the line that separates a friend from a romantic interest? Is it just a different set of truths? What about two friends of the same sex? I don't think same sex friends have this problem. I don't know about women, since I am a guy and can only pull from my own experiences, but I have told my guy friends what I thought when asked, and vice versa. Sometimes without even being asked, lol. But it was the truth, wasn't sugar coated. Is that because same sex friends feel as though they have nothing to lose from the truth? Or maybe men and women shouldn't be friends? So then, what is reality? I mean I know tomorrow when I get off work and walk outside, it will be morning and the sun will be in the sky and the sky will be blue and up will still be up and down will still be down, etc. I don't mean the fundamentals of reality, I'm speaking more about reality of humankind. Take me for example. I am alone. And I am beginning to believe that is the reality I want. Sure, I do crave some kind of connection... It would be nice to have a relationship. But if that was so important to me, wouldn't I be doing any and everything to achieve that goal? I mean I have to think it wouldn't even be a conscious option. I think every aspect of my being would be motivated toward that one achievement - finding a mate. But it isn't. I have ridiculously high standards, I come up with all kinds of stupid reasons why I don't date, or why woman X wouldn't be a good match for me, etc. So doesn't that mean that my default reality - the reality I want to have in my life, the basis for my life, is that of being alone? I don't have to answer to anyone, I don't have to account for any actions or explain my beliefs or behavior to anyone. It's a great freedom to come and go as I please, but freedom has a cost and my cost is the coming and going is always done alone. I come home to an empty house and my only companion is that of silence. But isn't this a reality of my own making? Haven't I personally carved and sculpted this existence out for myself? Why then am I unhappy? I should be loving the life I live. A friend said something to me that really got me to thinking about this, it was basically a lament about being alone when she is older. In the split second it took me to wonder a myriad of different things that shall not be given life to here, it also occurred to me that she is worried of having a life that I am leading. Naturally part of me thought this was funny, it's the same part of me that laughs when watching faces of death movies and thinks dead baby jokes are funny. And while that part of me was humoring over this, another part of me was realizing that my life is someone else's (possibly) worst fear. That's a sobering thought. And one I am really only just now wrapping my head around. So I'm changing my point of view. I don't want to be alone, but I do want a reality that most likely isn't possible. I want to have that companionship, but not have to sacrifice who I am. I don't know why, but it seems as though in the world in which we live, it has to be one or the other. At least in my world. That sucks and this is getting to be depressing so I'm going to go listen to some music and try to take my mind elsewhere. Actually, so I can remember this and "bookmark" these feelings, I'm going to leave the words to a NIN song called "Only", as it seems to fit both the subject and my mood... Oh, and fuck off Abe. This is a different world than when you were around.


"Only"

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself [x2]
Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside