Yah, yah, yah, same old shit

I'm at my new job two weeks now. Going on three weeks. Meh. It's a paycheck... theoretically... I say that b/c I haven't started receiving any actual pay for this job yet. Hopefully the check is in the mail. But more importantly, I have discovered, well, many things really, not the least of which is there isn't a lot to do at times on this job. Which is why I have time to write here. But more importantly, the two dudes I work with, we're not really compatible. I mean we get along fine, thanks in no small part to my articulate socializing skills ;) but one guy is a hardcore tech geek and the other, as far as I can tell, doesn't actually have a personality to speak of. My witty comments and jokes go largely unnoticed and unappreciated. For example, as I write this, the geek guy is having a conversation with my back about how AMD may be going out of business and their stock prices are plummeting below 4 dollars a share and other intricacies their business structure. Now he has moved on to the mars lander Curiosity. Which is a moderately more interesting conversational topic than the future of AMD, but we really have no common ground on which to meet for conversation, other than a few obscure current events. The other guy is sitting over here with his headphones in, watching some movie on his laptop. I NEED KINDRED INTERRACTION!!!!



On a more personal note, (as I politely nod and acknowledge geekguy's ongoing commentary about Curiosity's current position on Mars and how our modern guidance technology allowed it to land almost in the middle of its target landing zone), I have discovered, not recently by any stretch of the imagination, but some years ago and recently it has been reintroduced to me, I have a LOT of different moods. Right now, for example, I am in a witty, playful, yet needing-to-connect-with-a-like-mind, kind of mood. I would love to have a deep, meaningful conversation about the philosophies of life and how we came to be where we are and the inter-workings of one's mind, and where memories are stored. And as I write that, I realize, it probably - most likely will not happen. It absolutely will not happen with geek guy or personality boy. But I doubt it happens anytime soon. Say, for example, I decide to go to match.com, or plentyoffish.com and search for some kind of mate. First of all, the odds of finding someone are low. Finding someone with whom I can connect - someone with whom I share any kind of common ground... that would be really challenging. If not outright impossible. But as most of my posts on this blog thing are about this very subject, I shall now move on to something else.



Man. Technically, anatomically, genetically that is what I am. A man. I have grown all I will grow, sprouted all the hair I will sprout, my voice has changed and my testicles have dropped. I am officially a man. But what does that mean? A man, to me, is someone like my dad. And I definitely do not see myself being equal to him. I don't even really see myself as being all that grown up. And I'm 40 years old. How does one act like a 40 year old? How does one act like an adult? I have responsibilities, and I handle them, I make my house payment and all my other bills, I mow my yard, I blow my gutters out, etc... but I don't see myself as an "adult man". For example - I know I'm not ugly. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, a whole room of people will not drop what they are doing, stop in mid sentence when I enter, just to notice me. But I'm passable. But I could never imagine someone saying about me "he's a handsome man"... that sounds like they are describing my dad. The man part is what is throwing me. And I'm sure it's a perception thing, I'm not sure I think of any of the women I know, most if not all of which, are over 30, some approaching 40, as "women", I just think of them as girls... so maybe it's just a bubble thing. Anyone outside my life's bubble, I don't have any trouble assigning those labels to, Hugh Jackman, for example - definitely a man. The librarian at the library, definitely a woman. I don't know. It's just another one of those conversational topics that is best suited for those of like-mind, who, even though I don't understand fully what I am trying to say, can see through my haze and get what I'm trying to say.