That time of year again

I despise this time of year. And I'm going to use this moment to try and put some words down and maybe get a handle on these... things I'm feeling. Normally, I don't like this time of year because it seems to be geared toward couples almost as much as valentine's day. I just loathe christmas. Actually, that isn't true. I loathe what christmas has turned in to. As a child it represented a magical time of year. I don't really care about presents, not receiving them anyway. I do like to give, see the look on someone's face when they open the present and it's something personal, something perfect, something that only someone who had been paying attention could possibly have known about. But what christmas represented to me a a kid was this magical wintertime wonderland. There were decorations, the smell of cinnamon in the air, seems as though with most of my memories of childhood christmas, there was snow on the ground, it was cold and the warm house decorated with all the wreaths and garland and lights represented a special kind of solace from the cold, but also from the troubles of the world. I always dreamed of having that kind of christmas when I got older. Me and my family in my house... oddly enough, the "family" in this hypothetical scenario was always faceless. IDK who they were. And I am certain that family does not exist now. Nor are they going to. Regardless, I hate this time of year. Nobody seems to try to want the christmas from times passed. All they seem to care about is how much money was spent, and to whom and for what. Or why doesn't he want his picture taken? that was rude of him. Or he didn't even act like we were there. Or it seemed like it bothered him to try and have a conversation with him. Hmmm, maybe if some people would have a bit of god damned self awareness and see the fucking situation around them before assuming things are as they have them figured in their minds. Maybe I didn't want my fucking picture taken because it's MY GODDAMNED PREROGATIVE. Maybe I resented the fact that my family basically had to have two christmas dinners because someone just couldn't make it out when the rest of us did. And maybe I didn't wish to acknowledge this person's existence because if I had, I would probably have exploded all over this person, thus ruining xmas for my mom. So, I answered your questions, I acknowledged your miserable attempts at conversation, DESPITE the fact that I was in the middle of a conversation WITH SOMEONE ELSE at the time. But fuck it, you know? This is apparently your fucking world and we're all here because you wish it. So go right ahead, insert yourself in to whatever fucking conversation you wish. Hmm, interesting. These aren't the particular feelings I was trying to get a handle on. Odd that these just sort of poured out. Hey, I'm ok with what went down sunday. I slept fine last night. But to be honest, I've never really been that close to my brother or sister anyway. I just believe that casual relationships between people are a waste of time. Well this certainly was a random bit of stream of consciousness. I think the lesson I learned with the coming and passing of xmas 2012, I REALLY don't need a lot of people in my life, for their benefit as much as it is mine. The less people in my life, the less fucked up things can get, the less drama, the less bullshit and the less I feel the need to go fucking ballistic on some dumbasses. The less I hate people in general. Which is good. Because I already hate people. :)

Hard To Change

It should have been easy
to say the things I needed to say
It should have been easy
To just get up and walk away
It should have been easy
to say hello and let you in
It should have been easy
for me to be like other men
It should have been easy
to just step outside of the world in my head
It should have been easy
to let you bring me back from the dead
It should have been easy
to make a start together with you
It should have been easy
to do the things you want to do
It should have been easy
for me to be the man I am
It should have been easy
to see the face and take the hand
I don't know how to be that guy
I don't know why I am this shy
I don't know how to let you in
I don't know where I should begin
I don't know why this is my way
I don't know how this day to change
I don't know if I will ever know
I don't know how but I know you know

Shane 121712

End of an era

I said goodbye to a friend of 8+ years a few days ago. I probably should have written about this before now, but to be honest, I haven't truly been affected by this yet. Not really sure what's taking so long. The fact this person is no longer in my life should matter to me. The reason behind the circumstances matters more to me than the actual absence. I'm a private person. Very much so, in fact. I may seem personable and able to carry on conversations with complete strangers, share stories in a social setting and generally appear to fit it - it's all a facade. Skills I have developed to keep all my secrets, secret. But not everyone gets this. Even friends of 8+ years. Bottom line, I don't want anyone to have any information about me that I did not specifically give them. I don't care if you have a girlfriend and you feel like she is the exception to every rule. I don't care if the only other life form in your miserable existence is a puppy, who as far as you know, can't talk - don't tell it anything about my personal life...

Like facebook, for example - I don't post anything on there that I don't want people to see... and from now on, that is how I will approach life and people and so-called friends. I almost wonder if there is anyone I can actually trust. Trust comes hard for me anyway... why must some people be retarded and decide to wipe their ass with that trust and throw it away? So ultimately, I think I'm more pissed at myself for having human feelings and emotions and allowing myself to be one of them for a time - it came back to bite me, and proved that I am not to meant to walk among them and be as they are. I am not the same as them, no matter how hard I try, and that keeps being proven to me over and over again. I don't feel as they do, I do not see as they do, believe as they do, and ultimately none of it matters.

Sometimes

When I'm alone, sometimes the pain is too much to bear
So, sometimes I break down and cry
The story of my life is Dark, bleak and desolate
And sometimes I wonder why

Sometimes, I feel so very alone - like I'm the only one in this world of mine
So, sometimes I just wanna scream
I can't undertsand why they can't understand
So, sometimes I'm only happy in my dreams

It's so frustrating, not having anyone with whom I can share
so, sometimes I think about ending it all
When I get like this I scare myself
So, sometimes I need someone to call

There's a myriad of contradictions, slapping me in the face
So, sometimes I don't wanna be strong
But there are times when I just can't communicate
so I have to express myself through song

Everytime I care about someone, they seem to go away
So, sometimes I think I shouldn't care
I've lost loved ones, friends and the kindred spirits
Why must life be so unfair?

Sometimes, it's a struggle for me to keep up this facade
But my weakest moments are always spent alone
I wouldn't want to burden anyone with my problems
so, sometimes my only outlet is a "poem"

Sometimes I can see in to the future, to my own demise
And sometimes, I wonder who will mourn
The Triad councels me and my Darkness consoles me
But sometimes my hope is forlorn

I've learned my lessons in this life, and never again will I make those mistakes
But sometimes, wisdom comes at a cost
The winter of my life is truly at hand now
Freezing the memories of all those I have lost

So, now comes the time for these vacuous ramblings to end
sometimes, this is the only way
How much can I endure before it hurts too much to care
Aah yes, the sun rises and with it comes the loneliness of another day

s51501

The Road to Nowhere

Driving down the street, the sun is out and it's a beautiful day.
All around I see people I know, and they acknowledge my presense.
I feel happy. Energized. Life is good.
There are no obstacles in my way. Riding with me are my friends. We laugh and joke and are very close.
I pull on to a side road. There aren't as many people, and it is evening. The sun is going down.
The road is in disrepair and driving becomes more difficult.
I am growing tired. One of my friends has disappeared. The car grows quieter.
It is now Autumn. The leaves are turning color and falling off trees.
Summer, sunshine, warmth and happiness say their last goodbyes. There's something in the air.
I turn, yet again, on to another road. The sign reads "Dead End, No Outlet".
It is Dark. The street lights are not lit.
There are no people anywhere. Everything seems so desolate. So bleak.
The temperature drops. Winter has set in. Everything that once was alive now looks as if it is dead or dying.
The icy, biting, razor-like fingers of the Winter air creep in to the car. I am chilled to the bone.
My friends are no more. I am alone. No more Kindred Spirits. No one knows who I am. No one cares.
The car is void of noise. The only sound is the deafening silence of my own thoughts.
The music is over. This is The End.

s71100

goodbye

noble is the kiss
that touches the sky
gentle is the touch
that says goodbye
salty is the tear
that falls to the ground
lost is the love
that you have found

life is just one big cycle
to which we all must subscribe
painful are the lessons
in which we all must imbibe
I'll meet you again,
I know this somehow
I look forward to that day,
For I must leave you now...

s112398

evermore

the struggle of evermore
waging back and forth
companionship or solitude
freedom or shackles
or the complacency of understanding
either way, part of me will lose
how sad to never be fully satisfied
the potential never fully realized
or at least to this point in life
the curiosity keeps me going
the lure of the unknown
striving to find that middle ground
suppressing my hope and optimism
in a constant state of flux
never being happy
never being sad
just being

s111998

Before the date

Here I sit, all alone
With nothing but these four walls around me
The Darkness surrounds me
As in my mind, I replay the events of the evening

She's in my mind
There's nothing I can do about that now
She knows somehow
as in my mind, I replay the events of the evening


Could she be the one? The elusive Love that until know, only my heart has known Her intents she hasn't shown as in my mind, I replay the events of the evening

She has sparked my interest I want to know this person, soul, body and mind ...the pain, I want to leave behind as in my mind, I replay the events of the evening

Can she get in? Or will she be unable to get passed the wall? Will she fall? Looking behind, she gets smaller as I'm leaving

She cannot succeed. The Darkness returns, and now she cannot see. For help, she asks me Looking behind, she gets smaller as I'm leaving

Trying to figure me out Will I grant her once chance or more? Can she endure? Looking behind, she gets smaller as I'm leaving

Thinking too hard Inside my mind, I'm back at square one - I've got to leave. This should be fun. It's time for the date.   s11998

Life

Found out I'm somebody I didn't want to be
trying not to be the person I am
I thought that's who I was all along
as my identity sifts through my hands

too many things are wrong with this old world
to worry about what other people see
I'm too busy doing what I want
to worry about who I should be

but sometimes I miss the boy I once was,
so innocent and so naive
things just seemed to happen back then,
I didn't have to believe

trust was just the default, not a conscious effort
and my friends were all around
love meant I had a new puppy
and things just couldn't get me down

the sun seemed to burn all the time
and time existed in abundance
fun was all that mattered to me then
it's sad to have lost that innocence

but now things are very different
and it's not so easy to care
I've found that things aren't always right
and life is not always fair

s72298

Dark Night

Driving down this lonely highway
Behind the wheel I'm in a daze
Thinking back to our time together
Cursing love and its evil ways

My story's just one in a million
I'm nothing special, I know that's true
But still it hurts to see you two together
The pain I feel is nothing new

All alone on a warm summer night
The moon is there, keeping vigil over me
The Old Man looks closely at the words I write
Knowing someday I will be set free

Back at home, it's there on the table
Like some kind of demon, for me it waits
The poison I drink serves its wicked purpose
Aah yes, the game is over, I succumb to fate

Sitting here in this lonely bedreoom
On the floor, I'm in a daze
Thinking back to all the missed chances
Cursing love and its evil ways

s897

Trip

Sitting around with nothing to do
Nowhere to go, no reason to care
I'm so fucking bored here
I wish those bugs would get out of my hair

All the colors swirling around my head
I want to dive in and go for a swim
It's ao warm and inviting here
All the bright lights have gone so dim

Tring to remember when I started this trip
It seems like such a long time ago
Some day I need to stop this shit
But right now, I just want to get low

Everything has stopped - no more colors
No more warmth - here comes the pain
All alone on my mountain top
All I can do is scream in vain

Oh please just let me get through this time
I will never again venture down this road
Her touch cools my fever
Her words ease my heavy load

Trying to remember when I started this trip
It seems like such a long time ago
Oh how I want to stop this shit
But right now, I just need to get low

I don't want to be your prisoner
Won't you let me go - what will you gain
I never knew it would be this hard to stop
You've become an entity that thrives on my pain

You want my soul for keeps
You're trying to rob me of my desire
Little by little you steal my life force
And throw the empty shell in to the fire

I can't remember when I started this trip
i'm about to run out of time, I know
Oh how I have to stop this shit
But right now, I just need to get low

s897

Black

black
the color of night
close
back to me tonight
the blackness consumes me
because I want to be consumed
the closeness heals me
because i want to be free
head over heals tumbling through my mind
someday the illusive peace I will find
calmness and serenity turn to unrest
my will and my patience are put to the test
feeling what I want, and wanting what I feel
wounds that deep take more time to heal
this is a side of me that few people ever see
they can't see the forest for the trees
desire and fear - locked in continuous conflict
the desire to be free; the fear of being alone - the winner will depict
the person I am to be
regardless of what I feel, I have to be me

s397

The Darkening of the Light

the light is white
I am new and have much to learn
going through life with wide-eyed optimism
introductions are brief
information and experiences are overwhelming

the light is gray
I am used and have much to learn
my optimism has failed me
cynicism has taken its place
I have learned much, enough to know nothing
the wounds from my experiences will stay with me forever
and still I open myself up to new encounters
infinitely curious, trying to satisfy an insatiable hunger

the light grows dark
I am wise, and have learned much
inward, I turn on my self
alone, I find myself most of the time
awaiting the lonliness, I will be tomorrow
welcomed, the Darkness is by me
curiosity satisfied, hunger appeased
at peace, I will be when I die
the light is black

s397

Delve

Seeing me, but not really seeing me
catching glimpses of a ghosted persona
reacting the best way she can to what she has seen
trying to moderate an immutable environment
counting on the uncertain
A vast, eternal realm of gray.
Where even your next step is questionable.
You catch yourself falling, but going nowhere
Plunging into uncertainty, but all the while, never getting close to the edge.
Damn it all. All the protocols, the rules.
Rules the Collective make, and expect all to follow without question.
Then there is this place, some call it love.
This is truly a strange place.
A place of brief happiness and infinite sorrow.
A place of contradictions. A moment of pleasure, a lifetime of pain.
More pain. Grinding away, bit by bit, taking its toll on nothing.
Feeding on nothing, living on nothing, caring for nothing.
Until that is all that exists.
Nothing.

s11697

And Then There Was One

Sitting alone at a table for four
He raises his glass and recalls the lore
With a tear in his eye, he toasts them all
Sadly he realizes how the mighty did fall
Their adventures were many, there treasures were grand
Though their numbers were small, they were feared across the land
They once were unstoppable, the world they did rule
Now he just exists, spirit broken, no fire to fuel
What will he do, where will he go
Without his Clan, he is truly alone
Many sights na'er seen, tales na'er told
He clinches his fist, but has only memories to hold
His mind races - he wants to believe they're just late
His heart hurts and he knows this must be fate
For the question was put forth -
"Do you think we'll ever go down"?
Now the answer is known
And he misses his friends -
        
           The Clan of the Purple Crown

S94

Content Fleeting

When I'm asleep, I'm dreaming of you
In the world, I haven't a care
But the grand facade fades,
And I awake to find you're not there
It's a shock to the system -
From being so happy, to being so sad
When in the dream we were together,
And I awake to find, a dream is all I had.

S93

Awaken

Passed the light
     when the color fades away and everything turns to darkness.
Desperation dissipates,
     and solitude is not only accepted, but welcomed.
People mean very little - except for the Kindred spirits,
     society means even less.
Trust becomes just another word -
     you learn to trust only yourself.
You try and share yourself with others,
     but they seem to find your weakness and prey upon it.
The world is sad.
     people enjoy hurting other people, the ones who get hurt are usually the non-players in this game of life.
Encompassed in a fantasy world
     where there is Love, there is not darkness, and things don't hurt.
But then reality kicks in and takes over,
     and Life doesn't seem so appealing.

S10.92

Precipice

Who am I when the tide that brings me ashore ceases to ebb and flow? Who am I when the tools of my trade no longer fit my hands? When the sun that shows me the way is black as night, and gives no warmth, when the faces I see are no longer familiar to me and look upon my visage as a ghostly reminder from a time long since passed, who have I become? Where is my common ground? Where is my familiar place? Where is my peace? When I look in the mirror and no longer recognize the person looking back at me, where do I go from there? When i cease to find the circumstances of this life as appealing as I once did, when I can no longer find a reason or an answer to any of my questions, logic must prevail and pose the final question: what's the point?

s09612

The Viking Prayer

These are not my words. I just love this quote.


“Lo, there do I see my father.

Lo, there do I see my mother,
and my sisters, and my brothers.
Lo, there do I see the line of my people,
Back to the beginning!

Lo, they do call to me.
They bid me take my place among them,
In the halls of Valhalla!
Where the brave may live forever!”

― The Viking Prayer.

You won't let anybody get close
Except for those you do
And nobody knows who that is
Nobody but you
S9412

All good things...

People say "nothing lasts forever" and "all good things must come to an end". I really don't like that notion. Why? Why do good things have to end? Obviously we are all going to die so everything, at some point will end. Five billion years from now, the Sun will go all red giant and expand out passed the orbit of the earth, and this little blue planet will be no more. Our solar system, at that point, will be at the precipice of the end. But more immediately, why? Why can't good things last? If two people are enjoying each other's company, and the time they spend together, why does it have to end? Because invariably people will always be enticed by "the other side". The what-ifs. The prospective notion that there is the possibility that you will find more happiness than what you currently have. What is so attractive about that notion? Are people so discontent with what they have, that they always want more, regardless of whether they need it or that unnamed thing is better than what they currently have? Why can't human beings be happy with what they have? Would the world immediately end if we just accepted our current state as being just right? I don't have any answers, all I know is that right now I'm in a shitty mood and the notion that if I do end up being happy, at some point, this idiom ensures that it won't last. That pisses me off, so what's the point then?

Ring

She pulled in the driveway, no smile on her face. She got out of the car and he felt it. It washed over him like a burning acid. Her eyes were kind, pitying, morose. The weight on his chest was almost more than he could stand. He made a good effort to push it back, but it was for naught. Her words cut through him like a laser. Something about being sorry and meeting someone and moving away... he only caught pieces as his grasp on the conscious moment was tenuous. She reached for his hand and clasped her's over it, leaving the ring. He was always of the persuasion if this had to be done, make it short and sweet. When those words came back, they hit him like a brick. Short and sweet. He smiled and nodded. Even as he did so, he could feel all the memories they created together slipping away. Desperately he tried to retrieve them, to no avail. His legs felt weak and he steadied himself on the fender of his truck. She drove away and out of his life forever. He opened his hand to look at the ring, but it was a wavy, unsteady blur as his eyes filled. She was all he ever knew, all he ever wanted. She was his world. In her he could have happily drowned. He always knew if this happened, he would not be long for this world afterwards. "...I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star... in somebody else's sky..." He clutched the ring tightly in his hand, as he walked to The Place, he said to himself "O m'anam, Anam Cara"

S82412

Ymir

The sound of silence
the death bell rings
explosion of frustration
screaming to no one
Hatred of nothing
searching for meaning
dancing with myself
I'm a horrible companion
misery loves solitude
sweet songs of absolution
no voice, no music
no moon, no sun
speeding toward a brick wall
yet going nowhere
exponential monotony
days bleed over borders
nights are no separation
walking asleep
living in dreams
memories are blurry
avatar is masked
identity is misplaced
who am I?
where did I go?
where are you?
what is this place?
When will it end?

s82312

Warrior Poet

I've slayed the dragon
I've helped the poor
No payment is asked
Such is my lore

I've mended the shed
I've plowed the fields
My thirst unquenched
I dare not reveal

I've soared the skies
I've roamed the land
Just searching for her
To take my hand

My quest continues
Im getting old
My desire is constant
My bed is cold

My back is strong
It supports the stress
My will is known
Where is my princess?

S81712

Questioning My Sanity

Aside from being a pretty decent song by the female punk metal band "L7", that's sort of the way I feel right now. Imagine, if you will, a square. Like a floor tile. Twelve inches by twelve inches. You're standing on it. You're in the middle of a cavernous room, surrounded by a lot of nothing, except for the aforementioned "cavern". You can't see the floor, you can faintly see something in any direction except directly behind you. If you turn around and look directly behind you, a very clear, easy to follow path of other 12x12 tiles maps out where you have been. Other than that, there is no floor. Sconces cast their flickering light on the cavern walls all around you, what little of them you can see. You know, beyond a shadow of doubt you want to go forward, not at all interested in going back, but you have no idea how to take the next step. You see, an indeterminate distance away, a safe haven, a very appealing looking ledge with good cover and protection from the cavern air. A good place to set up camp for a while. You want to get to that destination. But how? Or maybe you know you want to take a chance on getting to any of the cavern walls you can faintly see in the distance, in any direction, but how? The only two things for certain are you definitely don't want to stay where you are any longer, and you don't want to go back where you have been. The desire to go forward, to be in any location other than where you currently are is so powerful, it feels like a physical thing, taking up space somewhere in the middle of your chest. So what are you supposed to do? If you look directly forward, in front of the tile on which you are standing, all you see is pitch black. You have no idea what will happen if you take that timid next step. How are you supposed to step confidently on to absolute uncertainty? So, if you can't figure out how to move forward, you can't go back, currently your only option is to stand where you are, what then is the point? Where is the logic in continuing that stagnate existence? What functional purpose does it serve to continue on, standing on that one tile? The answer is, of course, that in this hypothetical scenario, there would be absolutely no reason to continue on. If you can't figure out how to go forward, going back is not an option, staying where you are serves absolutely no purpose. No happiness will come of it, no function will be served, no one will be helped. Sometimes I envy people whose deepest thought is (insert inane sports comment here)

I'm sitting here on my "lunch" break. In my quiet contemplation l'm taken back to times passed when i worried about what she was doing when i wasn't around, what she thought about, how she really felt and where it would all end up. Happiness was as easy as riding around listening to the radio watching the wind whip her hair about as her perfume subtly said "this is for you". Knowing that eternity rest soundly in the next second and the past just didn't matter. For that moment in time, two were one and there was a shared experience, just as there was a shared consciousness. Inside me erupted a volcano of chaotic, confused emotion and life was as it appeared. Now? Now just is. It too is as it appears, but the difference is not unlike the difference between a beautiful waterfall and a barren slab of slate. Both are as they appear, one is just much more appealing than the other.

Reality

Abraham Lincoln once said "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be". I guess that's true enough. That statement assumes a lot of things though. It assumes that your reality is everything you believe it to be. Most often times, it isn't. For example, if you have two close friends, of opposite sex, and one of them asks the other "what do you think of me"? The response will most likely be something to the effect of "I like you", or "you're a good person". That is because by default, most people really don't want to know the truth, and most people really aren't comfortable saying the truth. No one wants to hear "well, I think you are messy, unkempt, you have bad grammar and when you talk, you sound uneducated." Mainly because people live in a world of truth they create for themselves where they are always right, do no wrong and hurt no one. Everybody does it. Anyone who has an ego anyway, because we as people need to believe this sort of "truth". But if that is the case, isn't absolutely-every-single relationship between two people on the planet a lie? Just a lie we are willing to live with. Where is the line that separates a friend from a romantic interest? Is it just a different set of truths? What about two friends of the same sex? I don't think same sex friends have this problem. I don't know about women, since I am a guy and can only pull from my own experiences, but I have told my guy friends what I thought when asked, and vice versa. Sometimes without even being asked, lol. But it was the truth, wasn't sugar coated. Is that because same sex friends feel as though they have nothing to lose from the truth? Or maybe men and women shouldn't be friends? So then, what is reality? I mean I know tomorrow when I get off work and walk outside, it will be morning and the sun will be in the sky and the sky will be blue and up will still be up and down will still be down, etc. I don't mean the fundamentals of reality, I'm speaking more about reality of humankind. Take me for example. I am alone. And I am beginning to believe that is the reality I want. Sure, I do crave some kind of connection... It would be nice to have a relationship. But if that was so important to me, wouldn't I be doing any and everything to achieve that goal? I mean I have to think it wouldn't even be a conscious option. I think every aspect of my being would be motivated toward that one achievement - finding a mate. But it isn't. I have ridiculously high standards, I come up with all kinds of stupid reasons why I don't date, or why woman X wouldn't be a good match for me, etc. So doesn't that mean that my default reality - the reality I want to have in my life, the basis for my life, is that of being alone? I don't have to answer to anyone, I don't have to account for any actions or explain my beliefs or behavior to anyone. It's a great freedom to come and go as I please, but freedom has a cost and my cost is the coming and going is always done alone. I come home to an empty house and my only companion is that of silence. But isn't this a reality of my own making? Haven't I personally carved and sculpted this existence out for myself? Why then am I unhappy? I should be loving the life I live. A friend said something to me that really got me to thinking about this, it was basically a lament about being alone when she is older. In the split second it took me to wonder a myriad of different things that shall not be given life to here, it also occurred to me that she is worried of having a life that I am leading. Naturally part of me thought this was funny, it's the same part of me that laughs when watching faces of death movies and thinks dead baby jokes are funny. And while that part of me was humoring over this, another part of me was realizing that my life is someone else's (possibly) worst fear. That's a sobering thought. And one I am really only just now wrapping my head around. So I'm changing my point of view. I don't want to be alone, but I do want a reality that most likely isn't possible. I want to have that companionship, but not have to sacrifice who I am. I don't know why, but it seems as though in the world in which we live, it has to be one or the other. At least in my world. That sucks and this is getting to be depressing so I'm going to go listen to some music and try to take my mind elsewhere. Actually, so I can remember this and "bookmark" these feelings, I'm going to leave the words to a NIN song called "Only", as it seems to fit both the subject and my mood... Oh, and fuck off Abe. This is a different world than when you were around.


"Only"

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself [x2]
Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside

Philosophies of life and finding the new me

I'm starting a new project. The last project I took on was the building of a fire pit, which I believe, turned out pretty well. I've only had it a few months and there have already been some good memories made. Now I am doing something I have wanted to do for years. I am building a blacksmithing forge. Funny thing is, the reason why I am doing this, and the reason it has taken so long, are intertwined. I believe in the immediate gratification world in which we live, where you can go to the internet and listen to any song you can think of, shop online, order food online, watch movies, etc we, as a society, are losing the abilities to actually do things. Working with our hands is becoming somewhat of a thing of the past. Or at least that's the way it seems to me and for the purpose of this post, and this idea. My dad, for example - dude is 80 years old this past june 1. He is constantly working, doing something, making things, fixing things, being active. He knows how to work with his hands because he's done it all his life. I am learning from him and am thankful he has those abilities and that drive. I will never be the man my dad is, but I hope in attempting to follow in his footsteps, I can honor his life at least some. Dad has taught me... well, pretty much my entire troubleshooting skill set. He taught me to look at a problem and work it down to its most basic pieces and start from there. I have also learned the joy of turning bowls out of wood from him. I have made a few, and while I'm not nearly as good as he is, I'm getting better. This new project I am taking on will be the first large scale of my own making, that will allow me to create things with my hands, like dad does with his bowls. Initially I plan on making knives, because I know a lot about knives and other weapons, I understand the different parts and what makes them up. But later on, I will expand my abilities to include anything I can make that will be useful.



So, it begins. Last week, or a couple of weeks ago, not sure when, I discovered videos on youtube of people making homemade forges. I light went off. Ever since I was a little kid, and I went to a craft show with my parents and saw a dude there with a blacksmith forge, making things out of metal, I was in awe. Maybe it was because metal, at least in the relative short lifespan of humans on this planet, seems like a constant, immutable, permanent thing and to be able to manipulate that is akin to some kind of magic, or maybe it just harkens back to a simpler, more appealing time, I don't know while I was so enamored with it, but I was. Since that day I have wanted to do that. But my default approach was "where/how can I buy a forge"? It never occurred to me to just make my own. This goes back to what I was saying about the immediate gratification world in which we live. I'm trying to change my default reaction from watching to doing. Back to the youtube videos - watching these people make a working forge out of everything from a hole in the ground lined with refractory cement, to a dump truck brake drum, to a metal box lined with fire bricks got me to thinking. I thought it would be cool to have some kind of sink, possibly two sinks, one for the forge itself, and one for a quench basin. So this weekend I went scavenging. It didn't take long, actually the first stop I made. I wasn't really sure what I was looking for, but I figured I'd know it when I saw it. I wnt to the local habitat for humanity and found an old kitchen sink. It wasn't but 20 dollars, so I figured what the hell. If it didn't work, I could donate it to my sister's yard sale. I knew the sink part, the coating, was porcelain and I know porcelain is fireproof... What I didn't realize was that the rest of the sink is made of cast iron. As it turns out, it is all around perfect for what I'm going to do. As of right now, I have removed the forge-side drain and the next step is to get some furnace cement, coat the forge side to a quarter of an inch thick or so, then I'm going to buy a cast iron drain cover, a large diameter pipe with a valve, connect that pipe to a smaller diameter pipe and to that, I will connect a hair dryer for use as a bellows. I can disconnect the bellows pipe from the large diameter pipe when I need to clean out the forge side, and turn the valve and dump all my cinders and ashes down the "drain". On the other side of the sink will be my quench basin, just a sink full of water. For that side I am leaving the drain in place and will get a simple PVC pipe with a valve that I can close to hold the water in. Then it's just a matter of buying some metal tubing and building a frame and my forge is complete. I am very excited and plan on taking pictures along the way. Unfortunately, one crucial piece of the blacksmith forge has yet to be purchased. And I cannot make this. It's the anvil. It's something I am absolutely going to need, and will have to purchase. Again, unfortunately, those things are expensive. Around 250 dollars for a good 75pound anvil. So for now I will be using my 3/4 thick steel hammer plate for an anvil. Crude, but it will suffice. It has to.

Recognition

Lost on an angry sea of black
Pushing forward, no looking back
The Piper must be paid his debt
For good times had, must not forget

I remember sunny days and fields of green
Starry nights and mountain streams
The days of my youth are slipping by
I see her face in my mind's eye

The smell of smoke invades my mind
Raucous nights were left behind
Crashed in to a wall of regret
To deny my soul the fear of threat

I wonder how this story ends
Will I be able to make amends
Would that I seed the soil of Fate
That happiness may perpetuate

Drifting alone my hope is waning
Panic sets in; my spirit is draining
Morbid curiosity presses me on
I want to know what lies beyond

Through the Darkness I see a light
Piercing through the murky night
A beacon of hope toward a safe shore
No turmoil here as there was before

Knowing me now gives no reward
Though reading this may strike a chord
Not said enough, no need to pretend
I want to thank you for being my friend

S080912

Yah, yah, yah, same old shit

I'm at my new job two weeks now. Going on three weeks. Meh. It's a paycheck... theoretically... I say that b/c I haven't started receiving any actual pay for this job yet. Hopefully the check is in the mail. But more importantly, I have discovered, well, many things really, not the least of which is there isn't a lot to do at times on this job. Which is why I have time to write here. But more importantly, the two dudes I work with, we're not really compatible. I mean we get along fine, thanks in no small part to my articulate socializing skills ;) but one guy is a hardcore tech geek and the other, as far as I can tell, doesn't actually have a personality to speak of. My witty comments and jokes go largely unnoticed and unappreciated. For example, as I write this, the geek guy is having a conversation with my back about how AMD may be going out of business and their stock prices are plummeting below 4 dollars a share and other intricacies their business structure. Now he has moved on to the mars lander Curiosity. Which is a moderately more interesting conversational topic than the future of AMD, but we really have no common ground on which to meet for conversation, other than a few obscure current events. The other guy is sitting over here with his headphones in, watching some movie on his laptop. I NEED KINDRED INTERRACTION!!!!



On a more personal note, (as I politely nod and acknowledge geekguy's ongoing commentary about Curiosity's current position on Mars and how our modern guidance technology allowed it to land almost in the middle of its target landing zone), I have discovered, not recently by any stretch of the imagination, but some years ago and recently it has been reintroduced to me, I have a LOT of different moods. Right now, for example, I am in a witty, playful, yet needing-to-connect-with-a-like-mind, kind of mood. I would love to have a deep, meaningful conversation about the philosophies of life and how we came to be where we are and the inter-workings of one's mind, and where memories are stored. And as I write that, I realize, it probably - most likely will not happen. It absolutely will not happen with geek guy or personality boy. But I doubt it happens anytime soon. Say, for example, I decide to go to match.com, or plentyoffish.com and search for some kind of mate. First of all, the odds of finding someone are low. Finding someone with whom I can connect - someone with whom I share any kind of common ground... that would be really challenging. If not outright impossible. But as most of my posts on this blog thing are about this very subject, I shall now move on to something else.



Man. Technically, anatomically, genetically that is what I am. A man. I have grown all I will grow, sprouted all the hair I will sprout, my voice has changed and my testicles have dropped. I am officially a man. But what does that mean? A man, to me, is someone like my dad. And I definitely do not see myself being equal to him. I don't even really see myself as being all that grown up. And I'm 40 years old. How does one act like a 40 year old? How does one act like an adult? I have responsibilities, and I handle them, I make my house payment and all my other bills, I mow my yard, I blow my gutters out, etc... but I don't see myself as an "adult man". For example - I know I'm not ugly. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, a whole room of people will not drop what they are doing, stop in mid sentence when I enter, just to notice me. But I'm passable. But I could never imagine someone saying about me "he's a handsome man"... that sounds like they are describing my dad. The man part is what is throwing me. And I'm sure it's a perception thing, I'm not sure I think of any of the women I know, most if not all of which, are over 30, some approaching 40, as "women", I just think of them as girls... so maybe it's just a bubble thing. Anyone outside my life's bubble, I don't have any trouble assigning those labels to, Hugh Jackman, for example - definitely a man. The librarian at the library, definitely a woman. I don't know. It's just another one of those conversational topics that is best suited for those of like-mind, who, even though I don't understand fully what I am trying to say, can see through my haze and get what I'm trying to say.

So im on my lunch break. Since it's 4am and nothing in the building is open, i decided to leave and sit in my car and listen to the radio. Not something i do often. There's a song on the radio called "dirty girl". It starts out "i want a dirty girl". I too want a dirty girl. Someone who isn't afraid to give in to her dark sexual desires and enjoy the carnal human buffet. Someone who likes sex and enjoys exploring all which that encompasses. Someone who is intrigued by trying new things and is open to fetishes. And i know ultimately something like this requires and is based on trust. I get that. And fully support it. Still, part of me, a very big part, believes that any relationship i have with a woman can only be successful to a point and for a finite amount of time if that mutual sexual energy isn't there. More importantly however, i need someone with whom i can connect on a much deeper level. If i start talking about the symbiotic relationship between humans and the universe, in that the basic elements that make all humans - carbon, oxygene, nitrogen, hydrogen - are the same elements in stars. when those stars explode and scatter their guts to the universe, those elements create other planets and other stars, etc ad infinitum, such that not only do we exist in the universe, but we are part of it, and it is part of us. I need her eyes to not glaze over and her mind not to drift off to whatever kesha song is on the radio at that time, i need her to not only understand, but share my fascination and ideally, challenge me intellectually by posing something to me which perhaps i had not considered... So. Where is this chick? I'm waiting...

Dandelion

Do you ever just stop? Stop, and actually take note of the moment in which you are living? It seems like most of the time we as people are too busy with the hustle and bustle of living life, or existing or trying to survive, whatever it is that occupies one's day to day moments, to actually notice the moment we're in. Or maye it's just me. Seems like when I take time to stop - that's when I am inspired to write. And what's it all mean? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Not a single thing will be changed by me taking time to write this entry, tomorrow will unfurl just as it would had I not bothered. So then what... it's this just some sort of exercize of my creative muscles? Use it or lose it sort of thing? Maybe it's a tool to enhance my analytical abilities... which shouldn't need any enhancing. I analyze everything. All the time. Sometimes to no avail, but sometimes it really helps. Seems like when I focus on something and analyze it, that's when I write. Most anyway... I'm glad I have this opportunity, it helps me maintain my sanity. What this does is allow me to say whatever's on my mind, that way if or when I ever actually meet someone, I can proceed like a normal person, even though I am all kinds of screwed up. I can say things on this blog that I would never be able to say to another human. Of course I am working from the perspective that 1) IF anyone ever finds this 2)no one will bother to read through all the drivel and nonsensical stream of consciousness flow to get to any parts that actually mean something to me. The parts that reveal the true me. At least that's what I'm betting on. But you know, what would be so bad about someone "discovering" the real me? It's not as if someone will say "oh, I know you from your blog, I have been wanting to meet someone like you" - (HAH) worst case scenario, someone learns bits and pieces of me that I don't tell just anyone. Oooooo. So? Even though this is a blog, there are things I wouldn't even say here. There are some things that will never be said, not to anyone or in any kind of writing. Some demons are mine and mine alone and it is my duty to keep it that way. And some just wouldn't be interesting to anyone but me anyway. So it'd be pointless. Pretty much like this post. It has about as much direction as a leaf in the wind...

Scattered

The Midnight Sun hides behind her veil
I wish I knew how this would end
This story was born from within
Onward, evermore

She watches over keeping her vigil
It has no origin known to me
Nor do I feel the need to see
Onward, evermore

She gives me the will to go on
What I am and what I know
A long time making , still I grow
Onward, evermore

Sharing her energy, knowing my state
My life plays out in my mind
Revealing the images of that kind
Onward, evermore

Guiding my hand, sealing my fate
In my dream I see a smiling face
It gives me peace and sets the pace
Onward, evermore

We are bonded Kindred
Sifted about like sand on a beach
Always there, always just out of reach
Onward, evermore

When will I see the yeild
How will this play out
Lying naked in a grassy field
I am ready, show me the door

S8112

I have officially been up for 24 hours

So that's weird... I haven't done that in literally like 20 years... And I really don't feel just dead like I thought I would. I figured everything would be all discombobulated and surreal... not so much really. It's just sort of like ... I'm kinda tired. But I don't want to stop moving and stuff... I have to go to the gym. If I stop, I will talk myself out of going.

And now for something completely different...

So tonight, I start third shift. This is full of suck. It's too quiet and apparently they turn off the ac at 10... so it's hot. Those are two horrible ingredients to have for a 12-9 shift. It's going to be hard to stay awake. Moreover, tomorrow at 9, I am going to have to will myself to go to the gym. It isn't an option. More so now that I have written it down. I will not allow myself to ruin all the years of hard work it took to get to this point just because it's a little inconvenient. I think I have a thing to write tonight... it's brewing in my head but it isn't really complete enough... I hesitate to use the word "poem" because there have been plenty of other, actual writers, people with talent who write poems. I just get words out of my head that are causing me some kind of unrest. So generally I will let it brew until there is something real there... then I'll start writing, I usually don't know where it will go or what it will say or how it will end up, it just sort of flows out. So that's what that is.

What, That Was?

Looking through the portals of my mind
I feel as though I may be going blind
If every day, do I see the same
Then what recalls the portal's name?

More to the point, where is the now?
A moment upon my furrowed brow,
To speak again with those who fade
Must I wish for the debt to be paid?

Is there time now for me to care?
Is there chance for a soul to bare
What pause must be given with you in mind
Yet you take and take, and far behind

I'm sick of all the popular speak
Condemned to live the life of Freak
Finger on the conscious nerve
Navigating through with skill and verve

The crowd gathers to watch in awe
As I deftly avoid the gaping maw
Spectacle makes for exciting life
Filling a hole, void of strife

Respectfully I take my leave of you now
Hearing the applause I take a bow
The lights come down and curtains fall
As I fade away in to shadows tall

Triad72712

Compiling Theories of Life and the Migration Patterns of Cells

And that's about the extent of creativity I have today. It's yet another one of those days, where I feel as though I need to purge myself of some extra emotional energy, but I don't really have anything specific about which to write. Not really focused on anything in particular, not really dialed in to any one thing. Although, I suppose looking back over this week, there is at least one event which transpired that I do feel the need to talk about.

I'm on the phone I think maybe monday or tuesday of this week, talking to a friend, getting some advice on owning your own business. While I'm on the phone, I tend to walk around because I don't know why, actually. I just do. Anyway, I wander over near a cubicle where this person works I know. I know her from way back in the day, when I used to date her sister. Or maybe it was her sister-in-law... or cousin... at any rate, I dated someone who was related to her. So, I'm on the phone, talking to this dude and suddenly she pops up out of her cube and says, "hey - did you hear about jan? she is dead." I may as well have rounded a blind corner and been struck square in the face with a 2x4. I mean what do you say to something like that? I abruptly and unceremoniously got off the phone to find out that one of my first girlfriends, a girl I dated back in 90/91, had recently passed away. She was 5 years older than me, 45. She had a heart attack. As soon as I heard this, my mind thought back to all the good times we had, from making mix tapes to "burying Dom" to racing each other on the highway and spending the night in the back of my nissan at stone mountain park. Ultimately we weren't meant to be and broke up. Many years later, I heard it speculated that she and one of my best friends at the time were cheating behind my back. I don't know if it was true and ultimately, especially now, it doesn't matter. Still, she was too young to die of a heart attack. And as selfish as this sounds, I realized shortly after hearing this that I had just experienced the death of someone with whom I had sex. I am working very hard, trying to keep the thoughts and feelings of "congratulations, you are old enough that ex-girlfriends are starting to pass away" at bay because that would be very self centered and egotistical. You know, it's one thing for someone you have known at some point in your life to, say, get married... or move to a distant location. You realize that you will most likely never talk to them again, but there is a chance. Anything is possible, you could pass by them walking down the street one day or something. But when they die, I mean that's it. There is no happenstance meeting on the street or in a coffee shop or anything else. And while this isn't about me, really, it's hard not to consider the fact that someone I used to date died of a heart attack. I think what I'm feeling is empathy and a sense of loss. Two things that I am really not accustomed to experiencing. In fact, so foreign is this whole thing to me, I am uncertain as to how I should end this entry, so...

A New Beginning... maybe

Ok, so for the last 6 months or so I have been unemployed. Hence no posts. Haven't really felt like celebrating the fact that I had no job and for all intents and purpose, served no real function in life. But ding, ding, the witch is dead - now I have a job. I should be elated. Not so much. Here's the thing - there's always a thing, while I am very thankful for having an income, and for the amount of that income, this whole profession - that of IT, I hate it. I don't really give a crap about technology, if it wasn't for porn, I would do away with my computers. This *thing* isn't my career, it's just a job... and therein lies the problem. No matter how much money I make, no matter how urgent my particular profession is made out to be, and how much of an integral part of the machine my part really plays, I don't ever feel that way. I don't feel as though what I do matters, because I really don't care about what I do. There's no challenge, it doesn't force me to try and be better. It comes easy. It just sort of flows... works... happens. And because of that, I have become stagnate as a person, I believe. That's why I have decided to meet the realtor tomorrow, and look a the old Basin Creek restaurant. I am seriously considering buying it and starting something of my own design. I don't have any misconceptions about getting rich off running a restaurant, and in fact, it may very well fail and I'll be back here again. But whether it fails or whether it succeeds, it will be a direct result of my actions. I don't know what I will call it yet, I don't know what kind of place it will be... I don't have all the details yet, I do know there will be a small lounge area with a couch and a couple of chairs... maybe a hookah. Maybe not. Not sure about the hookah. And who knows, none of this may come to fruition. I may get shunted at the bank and knocked down a few pegs. But at least I tried. And i may even succeed. I'm just tired of working for other people and not having anything of my own. I'm tired of not having an answer to the question "so, what have you been up to lately..."

I breathe air...

So, what the fuck. I heard somewhere over the past few days that a [woman] determines within 5 seconds of meeting someone, whether or not she's interested. Well, that's fine and dandy, but don't we all do that? I mean really? If you can pay attention to your signs/signals, AT ALL, if you are not totally oblivious, don't you know pretty damn quick if you like someone? I do. Call me shallow, I don't really care, but there are some people I am simply not interested in being with, based solely on how they present themselves as a person. I think that's human nature, judging by what we see, within the first few seconds. We have to. It's instinctive. I think it calls back to those days when we were fending for ourselves, not knowing where the next meal was coming from, always wary of waring bands of other humans or wild beasts... we had to make quick, often snap judgments based sometimes on not very much knowledge at all. Ok, have no idea whatsoever, but it sounds like a decent theory. Bottom line, you have person X, maybe that person is wearing horn-rimmed glasses and parts his or her hair on one side and wears a scarf. Still could be talking about a man or a woman, technically. Especially these days. But maybe you dig that sort of look, maybe you don't - either way, you will know literally within seconds of seeing this person. If you dig that, then you move on to the next step. If not, there is no point in a next step. Now this person may have been trying something totally new, maybe this is the first time he or she has ever sported this particular look, and you've just judged them based on that. Oh well, that's a chance we take. And I'm not saying you shouldn't take the time to get to know this person and see what he or she has to offer. Because people can be interesting in all shapes and forms. But I do maintain, as far as physical/emotional/mental/spiritual attraction - yes you can absolutely decide that within seconds, whether you are man or woman. Men also have intuition. It isn't like women only got intuition and men only got physical strength. I know people of both genders who disprove that theory. Strong women, intuitive men, etc. It's a human thing, not a man or woman thing. It all depends on how sentient someone has become and how open they have allowed themselves to be with regards to interaction in their world.

You know, the funny thing is, women say they want men to be honest, blah blah blah - no they don't. They want men to tell them what they want to hear. Trust me, I get enough "propositions" from women to whom I am not attracted, that I know they do not appreciate the honest approach.

The more I live, the more I learn

There was a time when I would vow that I didn't care what people thought, and it was a blanket statement and it was good. It was also true, to a point, at least at the time. That was mainly due to ignorance. While it was, and still is true that I don't care what people think in certain circumstances, say for example, my view on religion. I don't really give a good fuck if you think what I think is right or wrong or purple. It's what I believe and no amount of social political correct line of thinking is going to sway that. However. To say "I don't care what people think about me" as a general, sweeping statement, well that just isn't true anymore. Maybe it is a by-product of getting old. I do care if I'm doing a good job at work. I do care if I am being a good friend. But here's the thing - you will never know, truly, how anyone feels about you or what anyone thinks about you. There is absolutely no way to ever find that information out. All you can do, the absolute only option available to you is to make yourself ok with what you have. If someone agrees to be your friend, take that, run with it, enjoy it while you can. Because nothing lasts forever, and while you may not annoy that person enough to make them want to kill you, no one will ever like everything about you. That is a fact of life. Possibly the most sobering one. That, and one day at some point, you will die. No one will ever like everything about you. Just accept it. Learn it. Love it. Live it because the sooner you do, the sooner you will make your peace with the fact that we all are just tolerating each other long enough on this planet, until we can each find our own tiny pocket of happiness. If you think someone else, in any way, shape, form or fashion will make you happy, you are living a lie. The only thing other people can be counted on to do, is let you down at some point. That's a sure bet. And I don't know, maybe that's just a pipe dream: Happiness. Maybe it doesn't actually exist. What is it? Do you know? Can you explain? Aren't emotions just ideas we create to help us understand the world around us and allow us to try and formulate some meaningful way that we are an integral part of that world? But we aren't. We are not a necessity. We are not required or even needed. Life would still exist without human beings, and truth be told, the plants and animals and the earth itself would be a lot better off if we weren't here. But Happiness - what is that? When I was young, as far as I know, that concept never even existed. I simply was. I never thought twice about whether I was happy or depressed. I wonder a lot of times, if in a lot of ways, that wasn't the best part of life. Never thinking about life, or myself as a sentient being, or how I fit in to life, instead, actually living. Isn't that the point of life? To experience as much as one possibly can? To be the best you can possibly be, while we are here, and try not to kill the ignorant bastard next to you while you are striving for that. Toleration. But what about ideals, you say... Loyalty, for one. What of that? Yes. Loyalty is a grand thing. But Loyalty is self serving. Understand it before you praise it so. Above all else, we tolerate each other. Survival of the fittest. We congregate because it serves our purpose - in high school, groups could better defend against bullies. In a professional life, oftentimes a team can better complete a load of work, or reach a deadline, or accomplish a goal more efficently than a single person. I am a Scorpio. Loyal to a fault some would say. I admit, Loyalty is very important to me. The foundation of which is trust. I was feverishly loyal to all the friends I have ever had, all the women I have ever dated. Where did it get me? Today I have three friends. One of which lives in texas, one is in a committed, serious relationship, and one... one is probably just too much like me. So, I go home every night to an empty house. There are texts, emails sometimes... a phone call once in a great while. Point is, all the people from my past are gone. And maybe that says more about what it's like to be my friend than it does about the human condition. Maybe all of this is more personal than i ever realized. And that's the point of this whole thing - to ultimately know me. The longer I live, the more I learn about what it is to be me, the more I learn that I am the only constant in my life. That means, the only constant in my life is the absence of other people. At the risk of damaging the delicate loaner nature of all that is me, that's not really living. That's just sort of existing. Just getting by. I'm working on it. Trying to identify my next move. Some help would be nice, someone to go through this with, but...