An email to a friend

Tells a story about an encounter. Thought it would make a good post since it has been so long...

Story time…. 

So, this one time, I was walking to the gym, I am not certain but it seems like it may have been a bit chilly that day, and I had on a jacket, dressed in my usual docker-esque business casual pants and shoes, with my backpack. I had just been at one of our other buildings across the street working on a printer, and in order to get back to 4th street from there, you have to walk toward the sherriff’s dept and across a little bridge that spans church street (the dead end street where the big Moravian church that we explored that time is at the end), so I’m finishing my trek on the church street bridge, getting ready to turn on to 4th street and make my way to the gym. My iPhone in hand, I am answering emails when I hear “did you come from the bridge”? I barely heard it b/c like I said, I was answering work email on my phone. It came again – “did you come from at the bridge”? I looked up, blank, puzzled look on my face, remembering the words I barely heard, hearing them play back in my mind. I stood there, mouth agape, literally speechless. A quite round, dirty looking woman with long stringy hair was looking at me dead in the eyes. I was walking over to her so I could hear her better b/c the wind was blowing, as it always is down there. I stammered and spoke bits and pieces of words, never really saying anything, she then put to me the strangest question I have ever been asked. “do you live in a house.” I have been knocked out of my own conscious mind. As you may know, and can relate, on a CONSTANT, DAILY basis my mind, and I’m willing to bet, yours too, works. Nonstop, thinking of all kinds of things. Everything from the surreal to the sublime to the mundane and the unimaginable… There are categories, sub categories, chapters, shelves, levels, hills, valleys, ledges, stoops – all of which contain various amounts of a myriad of information, everything from “what to do in any given situation” to “just what color is puce anyway”. Well, I figured the area with “what to do in any given situation” was pretty full, unfortunately so – it is so full that most often what –a situation – comes up, you only get to that part of the knowledge after the fact. I am pretty certain however, that nowhere in that containment of knowledge is there anything on how to respond when asked “do you live in a house”. It’s so blatant and blunt, the obvious “yes” can absolutely not be the correct answer. That must not be what they are looking for, so the impulse to inquire for more, to dig a bit deeper overpowers me – “how do you mean” I said. “I mean not now, obviously, as I am walking to the gym, but today, this evening, when I leave work, I will drive to my home, which is not here. Yes.” That was my reply. It may have been the most awkward collection of words and letters ever to form a partial thought. It hurt me to say it, so bumpy was the continuity. As the initial shock of her inquires wore off, and mild embarrassment of my inarticulate response wore off, I realized, she thinks I am homeless. I look back from whence I came – apparently just off church street, but still technically under that bridge, is an area often populated by groups of homeless people. I look down at my phone, at the jacket I am wearing that has “Nissan” on it, at my shoes, my pants – now I am not the type to needlessly spend money on a wardrobe whose purpose it is to make a statement, clothes that meet the need are just fine with me. But still, what I wear is a FAR cry from homeless clothes. My mind is literally screaming “HOW MANY HOMELESS PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW WITH A FREAKIN IPHONE”? At this point, she may have sensed my state of mind, though I doubt it because I think I have already proved that her sentient awareness is no so strong, regardless, for whatever reason, she apologized for bothering me, turned and trundled off.



I turned, still stunned and continued on to the gym. I don’t have a problem with homeless people. I even give them money when they ask, and I have it to give. My annoyance wasn’t with her as a homeless person, it was with her level of obliviousness. Her lack of attention to detail. Naturally, in less than a nanosecond I automatically associated her level of ignorance with all people (Kindred excluded, of course) just look – observe, notice your surroundings – THEN you can formulate opinions and pose intelligent questions, as opposed to “do you live in a house”

Hail, hail, the gang's...wait, where's the gang?

So, I turned 40 yesterday. I don't care about the fanfare, I don't care about who remembered, or who forgot, I don't even really care that it marks the 14,600th day I have been alive. What does concern me, what does bother me what I loathe about that day - 40 is a milestone, a stigma in most people's perception... I am officially old. "Forty is the new Thirty". No, no it isn't. And Thirty isn't the new Twenty, either. Nobody says that, or believes it, except for the people who don't want to be forty, or thirty, or fifty. They are the only ones saying/believing that. To that point, apparently there is a television show called "things to do when you're 40", in which they officially stated, for the record that "40 represents the end of your youth". So, I am officially old. I have more gray in my hair than I have ever had on my head. I have gray hair on my chest. I have gray hair on my balls. Worst part is, companionship. My future is populated by either prostitutes, or single mothers, or nobody. Naturally I will go with nobody. Prostitutes are too expensive, and I don't find the notion of "steady supply of income for me and my kids" to be that appealing. I have no desire whatsoever to be an ATM to anyone. And there aren't any normal women out there who are actively looking for a 40 year old guy. Even if he is in the best shape of his life. And in better shape than a lot of 18-30 year olds. None of that matters. This is going to be a shitty year. Yay.

It's Not For You, Uther...

Hmmff. Yet another obscure reference that no one I know would get. Regardless. What it's about - perception. I had another mildish epiphany the other night. And as much as I hate to admit this, life is about as good or crappy as you make it to be. I'm not one of those "glass half-full" kinds of people... so it is difficult for me. What I'm getting on about is how something may appear to be a negative, or a rejection when in fact, it isn't. There is someone I know. Example? ok. There is person A. I want to have a certain type of relationship with Person A. But ultimately, I am Person A's Computer/IT guy. She always comes to me with pc problems. And I always fix them. We are on a friendly basis. And I entertain her. By that I mean I amuse her. I make her laugh. I entertain her. But she says things to me - comments. Like I pointed this out to her one night - that I was just a source of entertainment for her. Her response? "You don't know that". As if to imply that I meant something else to her and she just hadn't expressed it. Ultimately, it doesn't matter - leading coy responses or not, in reality I am her computer guy and nothing else. I have attempted to flirt with her and make comments about going out on dates, etc. They are always - politely - ignored, or brushed away. I recognize this pattern of conversation tactics b/c I am a master of it. Changing the subject  to something the person wants to talk about so as to get them away from something you do not want to discuss. So anyway... bottom line is we are on friendly terms, there is nothing bad about our association... it isn't a rejection or a negative... it is just not the positive or acceptance I was hoping for. And that is the point that is buried in all this shit. While an outcome of any given situation may not be what you wanted it to be, or hoped it would be, that doesn't necessarily mean it is automatically a negative. Unfortunately, in the gray lizard world of a Scorpio, if it isn't the positive we wanted, it absolutely is a negative, because anything less than what we expected is a failure on our part. That, and the self destructive tendencies of the Gray Lizard is why i am trying to side more with the Phoenix aspect of scorpios... but believe it or not, it is hard.

I hate when I am like this. I need to write about something, but I am not really focused enough on any one thing to opine about it. I have a poem about half composed sitting around in my head... not inspired enough to finish it. I'm tired of my life and its current iteration. It's a lot more difficult to actually do something and change your life, than it is to explain that concept to someone else who is tired of their life and its current iteration. I am tired of being alone, which is even more difficult to address/remedy than changing one's life, because it requires the cooperation of another individual. And not in the "sure, I'll help you move a couch" cooperation, actual, empathizing, preferably long-term mutual, symbiotic cooperation. So that is right out.

People, as a whole, I believe, are selfish. By our very nature. The majority of what we do is self serving. There are very few people who go against the grain on this. I've only ever met two. It is in people's nature to be selfish - "gotta get mine before someone else takes it" sort of mental. I suppose that goes back to when we all lived in caves and there may or may not have been enough to go around and life wasn't really fair. Consider this scenario - two people meet, strike up a conversation, discover they are very compatible. Why? What brought these two people together? Mutual selfishness. Each person's desire to satisfy their curiosity, their need, their attraction. Nobody ever does anything because it will benefit someone else... every action we have, every thought, every step we take as a human being, is because it will benefit us in some way. If it happens to help someone else along the way, great. So "Bob" donates money to Ethiopia? Awesome. It isn't because of starving children, it's so "bob" can feel good about himself. "Bob" must have a pretty fucked up life if he feels the need to go to those lengths to feel good about himself.

But we're damned if we do, damned if we don't... when you meet someone - "I want to get to know her," "I want to smell her hair," "I want to ask her out" - all satisfies some need deep inside yourself for something you want: selfish. However, if you approach it from the polar opposite perspective "I want her to get to know me", "I want her to see my body", "I want to give her the opportunity to go out with me" - then you're just a dick. A self-centered, probably egotistical jerk. So what then? Is there really a point to try and better ourselves? Is there any need to be introspective? Do we as a people even need to try? There are some people who aren't really even sentient enough to be self-aware, hardly... I guess to those people none of this matters and, in fact, they would probably have been lost after the first 4 words of this post. Eyes glazed over, drool coming out of their mouth, horrible visions flashing in in their mind...

So then, if all this is true, and we're either selfish or egotistical, then does that mean that there really are no "perfect matches" for people? No "Ideal" mates one way or another? Does that mean that people who have standards and stick to them, shouldn't bother? Because wouldn't that make that person a hypocrite? OR does it mean that I over analyze EVERYGODAMNTHING too much and will probably ruin any and every relationship that I have because of it. Yeaaah... you sleep well little bunny...

Raise Your Weapons

So, I was driving home yesterday. I have a lot of time to think while driving back and forth to work/home. I have always sort of had a child-like optimism... or maybe outlook is a better way of thinking of it. I could always be totally amazed by the possibilities of what the next moment may hold. The mystery, intrigue, curiosity. All because I didn't know what was about to happen in the very next moment. I think I may be losing that. I think I am finally getting to the point where I know the very next moment holds no mystery... all the possibilities are carved down to knowing that the very next moment will probably be just like this one. And the moment after that, the week after, the month after and this time next year, very little will probably have changed. That is depressing and if that is the way things are going to be, what's the point? That's boring. And for the life of me, I can't see the appeal of it.


Optimism is a funny thing anyway. It is sort of misleading in how it works. Optimism is the belief that something good will happen. But how can you keep being optimistic if that never comes to fruition? Yeah, it's easy if good things always happen when you expect them to. That's just sensible. But to continue or even attempt to be optimistic in the face of negative opposition, ... well I'm not sure what that is. Some would call it delusional. Some would say this person had a never-ending well of faith...(I hate that word) Personally... I believe if that is the case and someone is continually optimistic when always faced with negativity, in whatever context, then this person isn't dealing with reality and does not want to face facts. There's no point in living in a fantasy world... that just sets you up for disappointment. There's enough of that in the world without creating your own.

Settle, pride and will

So I drive. I like certain types of cars. Mainly, two-door, rear wheel drive, manual transmission. I would never buy a front wheel drive four door car b/c it doesn't fit my needs, and I like to go sideways once in a while... I have no need for two extra doors and a back seat. Having said that, what if something were to happen to my car and the ONLY vehicles I could buy, or could possibly afford, were front wheel drive cars with four doors. What then? Because I have to drive in order to get to work, to pay bills, etc and that is the only thing available to me, is that settling? Am I compromising what I want, how I feel, what I believe? What if there might be cars out there like what I am looking for, I just don't know where they are? Maybe the ratio is skewed so that the sheer number of front wheel drive, four door cars serve to make the two door, manual transmission, RWD cars invisible, for all intents and purposes. Or worse, what if they are out there but because I have to drive a certain amount of miles a day, I am automatically excluded... or b/c I don't make enough money per year, I am automatically excluded. (which is fine, I don't want a high maintenance car anyway) ... point being, what are my option? Either kill my ego and wade in to the pool, give up on what I want, how I feel, what I believe and take what I have available to me, turning a blind eye to the large portion of me that died a little inside. Ignoring that voice that is saying "You will never be happy. You will probably die an early death b/c of the stress level associated with this decision. You will wake up every day knowing that you are weak and you made a mistake, just so you could make a choice." Or I could hold out, hoping that the car I want will come along... I have managed this long... what is there to lose? Except opportunity, experiences, memories that haven't been made, and life. Easy.

This is an analogy, BTW. If you didn't pick up on that then... GTFO of my blog lol.

Dream

Dream, I am ready now
Come get me and let's be on our way
I am done here, and this place bores me
The piper needs to be paid

All the color is gone
and I see nothing but gray
my light has dimmed
and it is hard to find my way

Dream, we have a deal
Time to hold up your end
I am giving you what you wanted
It is time to leave, my Friend

Just fucking do it
Make it happen in a flash
I don't want to think too much about it -
That sentence ended with a dash

I don't really have anything else to say
Why aren't you here yet?
Are you on your own schedule
As you come to collect your debt...

I am ready to not know their absence
I am ready to not worry
I am ready to not be alone
Why aren't you in a hurry

Time is eternal for you
It means nothing to the end
I need to know that constant
I am, you are, my friend

Dream, I am calling to you
Please come see me now
I know you can hear me
I feel you pulling somehow

Maybe my suffering is your payment
The benefit to that eludes me
Just let me sleep with you now
My burden is yours, Dream release me

S.7511

Brainwashing.

noun

1.

a method for systematically changing attitudes or altering beliefs, originated in totalitarian countries, especially through the use of torture, drugs, or psychological-stress techniques.

2.

any method of controlled systematic indoctrination, especially one based on repetition or confusion: brainwashing by TV commercials.

3.

an instance of subjecting or being subjected to such techniques: efforts to halt the brainwashing of captive audiences.

So, if you are an avid whitewater rafter, and suddenly, for whatever reason, you start seeing campaigns on television about how rafting has a negative impact on the environment, and it's such a widespread campaign that the social consciousness not only becomes aware of rafting, but develops an intense hatred of all things rafting, you will eventually convince yourself that "hey, rafting is bad, I should stop" even though in the past, no evidence of any of this has ever been made aware to you, and you've spent a lot of time on the river. 

Point is, "brainwashing" isn't just something used by totalitarian governments. You can be brainwashed by the most innocuous of things. Naturally, rarely do people identify this as brainwashing. If any credit is actually ever given to an outside source for the opinions or outlooks we've suddenly taken up, it's referred to as some sort of "external influence". 

And then there is the stubborn who, in spite of the constant bombardment, try to hold on to what they believe to be true. Kudos to them. They are the ones we should look to for guidance. If you like popped collars, in spite of all the douche nozzles wearing their popped collars (just google popped collar) and you continue to pop your collar, I say good for you. 

My point here in all this nonsensical stream of consciousness is this: it is difficult to keep your opinions, about whatever - yourself, what you believe, what you feel, what you want - in the face of so much opposition. If you constantly have people telling you the sky is brown and you see brown sky, even though you KNOW it to be blue, it's hard not to believe that we live under a sky of shit. Sometimes for more reasons other than the most obvious. If you've stumbled on to this page and are reading this now, trying to hurry to the end so you can (rightly so) say "WHAT THE FUCK"? with a puzzled look on your face. Don't bother, this was more for me than for any of you.  

Sensory deprivation chamber. That's what I need right now. Or is it? Would that be the worst thing for me ... b/c yeah, no that's what I need.

Screaming in to silence
watching the world go by
viewing through tiny windows
no one will bother to try

It's just too easy to forget
to not have to know me
it's dark in my cell
but do I want to be free

at least here I am king
here I control the rain
they forget who I am
comforted by the pain

Riddles so I don't have to say it
seems deep that way
when it's really just pain
This way no one has to play

They cant hear me and no one ever looks up
the wind howls inside my mind
the torch eventually blows out
making me ever harder to find
                                    S62211

sound of silence

Once in a while I am overcome with the knowledge and feeling that even though I am surrounded by people on a daily basis, I am standing in the middle of a black room, totally alone, with a single light illuminating the spot in which I'm standing. Today is one of those days. I have a few good friends, people who can always count on me to be there when they need me. And generally, they are there when I want to chat - they may not know that me "chatting" is my way of saying that I need someone to talk to and need to have that energy exchange... and I don't bother telling them. The thing is, people got their own thing going on and the fact of the matter is unless you are involved with someone on a romantic basis, generally, regardless how close your friends are, they aren't going to be involved in your lives to the point where they will notice something as easy to miss as a 'need to talk to someone' mood. Ultimately, none of this matters. That is why I'm doing this fucking inane blog. It's a release... a substitute for that energy exchange...there is no one in the world who  cares that I am writing this right now. I will go to bed with that still being the case, and I will awake tomorrow with that same truth being constant. I believe that is why you can't ever really rely on other people. Yes, once in a while people can and will surprise you, but ultimately someone else cannot fix your problems. You have to do that for yourself. And I am not looking for someone to fix me. If I can't fix myself, someone else damn sure isn't going to be able to. All I'm saying is, once in a while it would be nice to have someone to spend time with and share thoughts with. You know, the funny thing is, I analyze shit to such a degree, that in typing that sentence out, mentally, I took it about 4 levels deeper - I felt guilty for thinking that because I knew that in order for me to get what I want, someone else would have to take time out of their lives and stop thinking about their problems - something that would be very important to them, and focus instead on me. This is why we can 't have nice things. Actually it's probably better that I don't have anyone to date or spend time with on any kind of romantic level, eventually, I would poison the relationship and maybe end up ruining the person.

I seriously have a love/hate relationship with this blog thing. I love the fact that I have some place convenient to go and write, that I don't have to worry about being subject to hard drive failure ... but I hate the fact that if someone were to read this, I would totally come off as some kind of fucking self-pitying emo cunt who has a low self esteem and a shitty outlook on life. FUCKBERRIES!!!!!!! I am so totally not that person, and I think it's all about context. Context and state of mind at the time of the writing. As much as I hate to admit this, and if ever asked about it, I will say my blog was hacked - sometimes it's good to emote, to feel, to actually have emotion. God. Damn. It. It's time to get my rage on. I'm going to the gym.

Planetary Science

So I'm back from three+ weeks in atlanta and charlotte, and apparently having been away from the house for that long, my body has forgotten my bed. Haven't slept well since friday... so, lying in bed last night, I was thinking, human life ... specifically the social interaction of human life, mimics planetary science. I have never been in a debate club and don't understand the details involved in creating a good argument. To me it sounds like they are making a statement, and then voicing opinions on what that statement is feasible.  So, that's what I will be doing here.

In a solar system, you have planets, moons, stars and asteroids or some other foreign body. Obviously, the most important of all those solar bodies is the star. Without light and heat, nothing survives. Then would be the planets, because they are the only thing, as far as we know, that can support life. Then moons, and then asteroids.

In this analogy, the star, I believe, would be represented by Love/compassion/respect/caring, etc. the desire to get along, to be social creatures and to coexist. For survival, that is a basic need - the odds for survival are better as a group than as an individual. The planets represent the more prestigious humans. People with more status with more money, better looks, more intelligence, what have you... then there are moons, maybe not *quite* as prestigious as the planets, but still important. They help regulate a planet's orbit, helping to keep them on a single axis, stabilizing their spin and regulating their seasons. These moons represent the person's mate. The love of their life. Or their best friend. Generally the most important person in the "planet's" life. Together they compliment each other. While both could survive and possibly even thrive without the other, they'd never be quite as good apart as they are together. The asteroids are at once the bane and the blessing of the solar system. They basically serve no purpose other than to bash in to other solar bodies. They have no responsibility, and live to have fun and fly about. But they are a necessity - they deposit much needed minerals in to the planets and moons when they crash in to them. Sometimes a gentle nudge from an asteroid is all that a body needs to move it in to the proper orbit of a planet, or star...

People, while most are probably too busy or too oblivious to notice, behave a lot like solar bodies. For the most part, everyone is part of some community, some society... whether it is a sprawling metropolis, or an intimate village. Some people we meet in life have distinct orbits of their own - and sometimes those orbits are congruent to ours. When that happens, when two people meet and they are locked in each others orbit, it's a grand thing and "happily ever after" ensues... But sometimes people come in to our lives who were really only meant to be here a short time... regardless of how much we may think they belong, they are just passing through... they aren't in sync with our orbits. They have their own orbit and it has been my experience that there is nothing that can be done to change that, and no good ever comes of trying.

So this is it. This is why I believe people are like planets. We're all orbiting around together, crashing in to each other, dancing for a while, sometimes moving on - but all together around a mutual need to coexist.

Case and point

Funny how easily the mind can be tricked. A smile, a gesture, a kind word... darkness.

Everybody has their dark nights
Everybody has their demons to fight.
Everybody knows that dawn will come
But not everybody can see the sun

Everybody fears what truths they see
Everybody longs to be free
Everybody needs to have a friend
But not everybody gets one in the end

Everybody screams inside their head
Everybody bleeds the color red
Everybody needs to be understood
But not everybody truly should

Everybody writes these sort of words
Everybody sort of needs to be heard
Everybody sings the songs they sing
But not everybody's songs have a happy ring

Shane 6.16.11

One Side or the Other

So, for a while now, I have sort of been on the fence about chaos versus order in the universe. I have always wanted to believe in order - that there is logic, rhyme, reason to why things happen. If you're a good person and you do good deeds, good things will happen to you. If you work hard, you will get promoted, you will get a raise. If you drive carefully, you will be safe and have low insurance premiums. Sadly, I have recently given in and succumbed to reality: The Universe cannot be based on order because no matter what you do, no matter how you are, no matter what you deserve, sometimes shit just happens... or doesn't happen. It is rarely based on anything you as an individual actually do. The bottom line of this is, you should never do something because of what the outcome may be - you should only ever do things because you want or need to. Do it because it is what you want, do it because you enjoy it or because you believe it should be done. Because if you go through life doing shit based on what you think or hope may happen because you did something, you will be CONSTANTLY disappointed.

This flies in the face of the "butterfly effect ripple theory" that I have about how every action causes some reaction... every thing you do, every movement, every thought, etc... I still believe that b/c it's different than what I'm talking about here. One is a belief that things happen based on your actions, the other is a belief that your actions have consequences and could be catalyst for causing other things to happen in a chain reaction of sorts... I know that sounds similar, but it isn't... it's just that a text-based form of communication isn't the best forum for trying to explain something as shapeless as this.

Example - I posted yesterday or something... about change. Specifically, me, stepping out of my zone of comfort. It was an experiment I suppose... an effort on my part to change, and see what would happen. Again, the correct way to do this is to change b/c it is what I want... not because of what I was hoping would happen... because what I was hoping didn't happen... and ultimately this proves my point that really, it doesn't matter what we do... we cannot dynamically cause things to happen or not happen in the universe. There is no relation, either inverse or direct, to what we do and what happens to us. But hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained... or in this case, nothing lost.

One thing I do know for sure, hindsight is a fucking bitch. Living life looking in the rear view mirror is no fun at all.

New day dawning

But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today.
and then they'll paint it
And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and they'll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.
                                        - Blind Melon - Change

I think that's fitting for the mood I'm in. But I want to amend that sentiment: You have to change, even when life isn't hard. If you stay static, you will be static. "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten". I think some people have no problem with this. It's easy to continue doing what you are doing. It rewards you with familiarity and in that, security and a peace of mind that comes with knowing you have a base of operations - a place to go when you need to unwind, chill out and recharge your batteries. Things here will be predictable and you are in total control. But the down side to that is just that very thing - predictability. Sometimes, that familiarity can get to be monotonous and you need to change things up and see what happens. While I believe "The Secret" was a scam, I do believe in the power of positive thinking, which is basically what that was all about. I believe also, that there are, all around us, patterns of the universe. We just have to be able to recognize them. That gets a little in to the book, "God's Debris", but still relevant, I believe. Point being, like the butterfly effect, your actions have consequences, and those consequences can reverberate back and have an affect on your actions. Ad infinitum.

I have recently taken this theory to the next level and have attempted some experiments. Now, don't misunderstand and think I am some genius-level intelligent type. Not so much, I simply wanted my life to change, so I did it more out of necessity than any curiosity of whether or not it would actually work... It does. Or so it seems. It could be that the things that are different in my life, have always been there, and are actually not different, I just have never noticed before, a new pattern, as it were. Point being, I have actively started doing things over the past month or so, that I have purposefully stayed away from before because they were things that made me uncomfortable, or because I thought it would cause me stress or drama... truth is, we as a species are much more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for. Or maybe I should say, as individuals... Or at least I am. This is scary new territory for me and I have no idea what to expect... I am on unfamiliar ground and each step I take is a new experience for me. That is good and bad. Good is everything is new... bad is I am not necessarily in control here. That's something else I am not used to. But so far, the results of stepping outside of my bubble have been good. Ultimately, that and my happiness, and interest are all that matters. And so far, I am happy, I am interested and at the risk of sounding a little conceited, I am proud of the steps I have taken and the efforts put forth. yay me.

New Horizons

Epiphanies are a funny thing... sort of a love/hate relationship going on there. I guess ultimately it depends entirely on the epiphany. The realization that you no longer care about television and resulting cancellation of your cable account, can be a good epiphany, with a good result. The realization that you do not come off to other people as you see yourself in your head, well that could be an epiphany of a different color altogether. Because if you are the type who considers things, who thinks about stuff... who manages, somehow, on every single conscious day to find some new and as yet unexplored facet to your life to question and delve in to, then this may be somewhat of an identity crisis. e.g. a bad epiphany. This happened to me recently. And while I haven't fallen completely in to the identity crisis black hole, I am teetering on the edge. I guess I'm just tired of things. I really give a shit what people think of me. I am who I am and other people's opinions be damned. Thing is, I am not an offensive person. Or I don't mean to be... and sometimes, apparently, I do just that inadvertently, when offense is the farthest from my mind. I don't know if it is a lack of ability to express accurately what I feel... or if somewhere along the way my wires just got crossed up... and when I think I'm being funny, as it turns out, I am being cruel. Or something. IDK. With a total of what, ten lines? I have already spent entirely too much energy on this BS.

So I'm in atlanta for ten days. I like atlanta. Seems like people here are pretty laid back, which I didn't expect at all. But what I like best about it is while it is a proper city, whoever designed it, did a good thing and left in the trees. Everywhere you look there are trees. Trees lining streets, trees in the middle of city blocks, trees down the center of the street - it's awesome. It puts me in the mind of some ancient, old civilization that is living in concert with the environment around it. This weekend is going to be boring as hell. Lots of stuff to do, but I get bored doing stuff by myself... There is a concert tonight though, in the courtyard - I may go to that... depending on what kind of music it is... but I think this is all for now. Time to get back to work.

Irony, Granite and the smell of Rain

Ironically, I started out hating this idea, the very notion that I would be, could be even remotely associated with the word "blog". I still hate that word and all the connotations it carries with it. I hate what it has come to stand for... I'm sure it is some sort of acronym, but I don't know for what. Where the irony comes in to play is that, almost on a daily basis, I feel as though I need to come write something. It feels good. I think it is the expulsion of energy that I am drawn to. Doing this, for me at least, it like having a deep, meaningful conversation with someone - it is very satisfying and I usually feel better when I'm finished. Having someone in your life with whom you can have a positive energy exchange is important to me, and an important aspect to life, I believe... I do have someone like that, but it has been a while since we have been able to have an energy exchange. A really long time, in fact. I don't really have anyone else in my life like that. And it's something ... it is something that cannot be explained in a "blog". I feel like a fucking hipster even using that word. Now I need a shower.

If I were someone else, I might think that I had anger issues, or "rage addiction" as it may or may not be referred to in reality these days. I seem to be in a rage most of the time here lately. I don't know why. But as an evolved human being, and I believe somewhat enlightened, i know it isn't anger issues, or rage addiction... it's probably a combination of stress in my life, sleep deprivation, and other things that shall go unnamed here. But that's only because I took the time to look at the situation and decipher it. I stripped away all the BS and got down to the core of the problem. And now that I know, I will deal with it. It isn't something that will go away easily, but ... and it may not go away at all... but I will deal. A lot of it comes from frustration. There is a lot of that to spread around - frustration at the gov't, frustration at being alone, frustration at work, frustration at how I am not one of those people who talk a big game... and because I am not the type to initiate a situation, situations never come up ... or rarely come up to allow my actions to speak for me.

Then there is the realization that nothing really does last forever. Granite even eventually falls on the steps of time. Regardless of how strong you think something is, most likely you are in the minority - most likely you are not on the same page,  you don't share the same thoughts, feelings, views or beliefs. Naturally I'm speaking of people who are much deeper than the lemming sheeple who regularly inhabit the planet... understanding those people, in fact, finding two just alike isn't really that hard... This realization to me, the former, not the latter... was a more than a little shocking. I guess I always suspected it, somewhere in the back of my mind... down in the dank, dark, cobwebby cellar of my mind... but to have that brought out in to the light... it was hard to look at.

I need it to rain again. It's been raining some lately. I need the storms to come and bring their darkness and rain down... it suits my mood these days. That is also a good energy exchange. I could explain it as the movement of water releases positive ions, and positive ions are absorbed by our bodies and somehow affect the charge of our electrical makeup, making us feel better. Maybe it has to do with dopemine, maybe it has to do with seratonin... I don't know. And that's why I didn't explain it like that. It is the energy exchange. I can feel the energy of the storm... I can feel the movement of the air and change in the field ... plus, I like the smell of rain.

just

I'm in a mood... I have a lot of unfocused energy... I feel the need to emote, but have nothing to say... I want to hate, but  it isn't directed at anything... I want to connect... make some kind of connection with somebody... but who? and what kind of connection? no idea. I could have a deep philosophical discussion about religion right now... but discussions like with myself are boring b/c I already know what I'm going to say, and since there isn't anyone here... I think I feel distant with regards to the people I work with... I'm just an employee... not really a person. In fact, there are only like three people who know who I really am...or who, at least have a decent idea... and I don't work with any of them. Right now, I feel like something needs to change or I will explode. Which wouldn't be that bad of a situation b/c I don't wan to live to the point where I am a sac of sagging skin and my brain can't remember who I am or where I am or why I'm there. Apparently that runs in my family... and I want to be long gone before that ever sets in.

Vain? Maybe, who cares? I fucking deserve to be a little vain... I've worked hard to get where I am physically and I've spent even more time shaping my brain and my thoughts and ideals... goals, not so much. I have goals, just don't know how to go about getting them. And not even that so much, I don't even know how to initiate the process of goal-realization.

And I go on and I go on, on and on down this road... it winds and runs out and disappears at times, but somehow I stay on track. It isn't a fun road, it isn't an particularly interesting road...not overly scenic... just a road. Does it actually go somewhere? I don't know... hasn't yet... maybe at some point, I'm not expecting to ever find out. I just want something to happen... something good, specifically. Not even to me, to my family or friends... just something good. Is that validation? Is that what I'm looking for? I don't know, maybe. Is that so bad? What's wrong with having your existence verified?

So I was thinking the other day about relationships. I'm wondering if there is such a thing as that perfect person? Is there someone out there, alive now, whom I could be with and find absolutely nothing wrong with them, and vice versa? Is that type of existence with someone else actually possible? See I don't think so. Everyone has something about them that will annoy someone else at some point. So ultimately, isn't everyone settling to some degree when they date/settle down? I'm a  big advocate on not settling for someone, not compromising what I believe in, just to keep from being alone, but if you work from the point of view that what I said is true, doesn't everyone settle? And if that is the case, does the degree even matter? If you are going to settle a little, then why not go all the way, go to the small village in brazil and get the fat woman covered in hair. I need some lamb of god dubstep.

One...Two...Three...faggotree

It's funny - not funny haha... well a little maybe - for someone who is really not a big fan of change, just how much of it has been forced on me in the last 7 months. I'm starting to think the fates have a twisted sense of humor. I used to know someone else who thought so. Actually she had a little more serious opinion of The Fates. But hey, that's in the past. In the last 7 months, I have left a job of 9 years to start a new job, in a new place with new faces. I used to drive 20 min to work, now I drive 50ish. I used to work out at "lunch" now, I am going after work. There were plenty of other insignificant changes, such as I had my cable/television cut off b/c of all the useless crap on television/cable. I used to hate sharing stuff about myself and that is still true to some extent, but I met someone back around xmas who coerced me to open up and trust and not worry about the consequences... So, I did, and as she was ripping my heart from my chest, she smirked at me as if to say "And what did you learn?" Then she handed it to me and walked away. So, there were other changes that were thrust upon me/that I caused, which i dare not speak of, lest some plague be visited upon me and my house. But it's funny how change, welcomed or not, forces you to look at your life and quickly assess what you care about, what you don't care about, what you need, what you can live without... you'd be surprised how much actually falls in to the latter category. Fact of the matter is, because we humans are creatures of habit, we routinely fall in to doing the same things, day in and day out, expecting the same results and generally living life in a rut... that is, until something happens to jar us out of that rut - Enter: Change. Now, I'm not a retard. I knew all along change could do this and would have this effect. But it's the difference in  watching a top fuel funny car take off and go down the track and know "that was fast" and actually driving one and experiencing 5000+ hp and a 0-300mph in 3-4 seconds - two totally different things.

So I have an opportunity to reinvent myself. Because now things are different. No point in going on like they aren't. And that's what Scorpios do - one of the symbols for our Zodiac is the Phoenix - MASTER of living, dying and being reborn anew, reinventing itself. (because "living, dying, and being reborn..." sounds too much like the great Zombie Master, Jesus) problem is, I don't know what to become... or what I should change... I just asked for help from a possible ghost from the soon to be past, but I doubt it helps. Ghosts are funny that way. Sometimes they oblige the living, sometimes they suffer the living, most times they just sort of do what they want... so we'll see...

So, I used to think that things, life and whatnot, would be different if I were somewhere else. Like the mundane, monotonous motions I go through on a daily basis, would somehow change if I were physically in a different geographical location... say, Ireland, or Alaska, or somewhere in the Caribbean. But this week I am in Charlotte... neither glamorous or exotic, I know, but different. And what am I doing? Pretty much the same thing I always do. I'm chilling in my hotel room at night, or sitting outside in the courtyard. This is Charlotte - there is never not anything to do here. I mean it's like the new york city of north carolina. Why then, are my actions here, so similar to those at home?




It's not the place, it's the person. Slight epiphany. It's so easy to get swept up in the "if [thing] was different, my life would be different" mental. When most likely, that is not the case. Your life is what you make it. Without some sort of notion or desire to change, it will be what it is, regardless of where you are. Edit - it takes more than just notion or desire, but those are the first steps. I have the desire. I have a notion. Now I do not know what the next step is. I want stuff to be different. I'd like to think if I somehow managed to move to the Caribbean, I would spend my nights in some way other than sitting on the beach, in a lounge chair, by myself, listening to the ocean. Although I can think of much worse things to be doing. My point remains: why do I maintain the life I am living? Why go back to my hotel room/ bungalow/log cabin/house by myself and do nothing of consequence? Why don't I/can't I make more lasting connections with people? Not that the ones I have haven't lasted, they have and I am appreciative for that. But the connections I currently have are either hundreds of miles away, married, or recently off the map, and in the same boat I'm in. I'm just tired. Tired and bored with this life. I need something different, something exciting. I think I am done with being alone. Sadly the women who were supposed to be beating down my door to be with me, have been mysteriously delayed... or detained... regardless, they do not seem to be here. Maybe they had car trouble. That's crazy talk. More likely than that, what happened, was the bus that was bringing them all here, was hit by a rogue meteorite and careened off the side of a cliff on the Bolivian Death Road. Here's the kicker, I don't just want someone to keep me from being alone, I want to be in to them, attracted to them, I want to be able to share some kind of intimate, emotional, eternal connection with them. I'm almost 40. The odds of me finding someone now who satisfies all these criteria, nil. Which, maybe, is why people settle. But I can't do that. So alone it is. Traveling down this road by myself, the observant person might see me and wonder what my world is like... wonder if I have that someone at home who makes life more enjoyable... wonder if I have that special person to talk to about life and things and share thoughts and feelings and desires and whatnot with... of course this astute observer is fictional, b/c people are too wrapped up in their own meanderings to be bothered with what is going on with another individual. Still, the answer would be the same... there is no one, which is why I'm typing to this stupid fucking blog.

So it's my turn to speak... I'm on stage, in front of everyone. I am prepared, ready for this day. I look the part - standing behind the podium, I look out over the crowd of people. They all seem attentive and interested in what I'm about to say. The lights dim slightly. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. No sound. I panic. Righteous indignation! WTF? I scream. Nothing. The expressions on the faces of the people never change. I am thrashing about the stage like a madman,  papers flying, the podium is smashed in to bits - no sound. No voice do I have, no sound do my irate foot stomps make. The silence slowly paces in. It is surrounding me. The sense of space around me gets smaller and smaller, as if I can reach out and touch the very limits of reality. The microphone stand is now my bludgeoning weapon. No sound. I should be breathing hard, my chest is moving up down, heart beating fast - no sound. A moment of nothingness... the mic stand goes flying out in to the audience... nothing... there should have AT LEAST been some cry of agony. The lights fall away - darkness. In an instant they are back on... there is no one in the audience. There is no seating, no auditorium. There is no stage. No building. No block, no city or state ... there is nothing. And here, I am Master.

Ohai, welcome to my rant

Ok. I'm just going to come out with it - I hate improv. Hate with the fire of a billion burning hells. First of all, I have NEVER seen a funny improv. They all come off as uncomfortable, and the actors seem to be emoting "please laugh, we're funny, I swear". And it is pretentious. As if they are implying that it really is funny, and if you don't think so, well then you must just not be intelligent enough to get it. No, I get it. I am there with you, I fully understand what you are trying to do there - I mean it isn't rocket science. You are pretending. Play acting. Shit all of us used to do as children. It was only moderately fun back then, now it is just sad. So stop it. Stop it, just stop it. No, it doesn't mean you are super creative, or overly emotive... it simply means you can think fast on your feet. Congratulations. You can do something that 80% of the population can do. You really are special. Neeto. It also makes you an attention whore. You need people to look at you, you need people to approve. The proof is in the pudding - buddy up to any aspiring "actor" who is doing improv. Watch their shitty performance. Then read the critics negative reviews to them the next day out of the paper. Watch as their ego deflates in front of you. Or they will get angry, cursing the obviously ignorant critic. Or they will somehow manage to reassure themselves that their craft is so refined that average mortals can't possibly grasp the sheer magic that is happening on stage. None of them, not a single one can ever say, "no, they were right, that fucking sucked." In fact. I am going to widen that circle of hate to include actors/actresses in general. There are a few who are still humble and still actual people, but for the most part they can all die in a fire for all I care. What they don't seem to grasp is this simple fact: all actresses and actors on the face of the planet - all that have ever been and all that will ever be are nothing more than court jesters. The village idiot. Set to perform for our amusement. That is what the profession of acting owes it's roots to. Yet they get paid outrageous sums of money for doing what? They walk around with egos larger than the national deficit and constantly think they are above the law of us average people. Oh god - don't get me started on how they should keep their mouths shut and offer nothing to the realm of politics. Because they have money and have been on television and the silver screen, they think they matter. They think their opinions are better than anyone else’s. They think because they drive a fucking prius or electric car they are better than average folk. I guess if you have more money than you have sense, you can afford to spend it on the latest trends that society says you need to be a part of. Still, there are enough corrupt fucking politicians in the world, we CERTAINLY do not need celebrities putting in their worthless two cents. Their fake, worthless two cents. Which is probably made out of silicone... or been touched up to look like two new pennies. Because god forbid the signs of aging are allowed to show... shallow fuckers. GTFO, GFY and die in a fire. thank you, that is all.

TV

I’m sick of seeing family-oriented shows. Not everyone has a wife and kids, and not everyone wants to see shows tailored to that crap. I want to see a show about a vigilante, if you want to use that term, who has no wife and kids… never had any wife and kids, never lost them in a horrible accident, doesn’t blame some faceless corporation for their death, isn’t out after the man who killed his wife and kids. That is what I want to see. And I want him to have a moral gray area. He doesn’t really have a problem with killing people… or mutilating them to get what he wants or needs… I’m not really sure what that is yet… maybe information… maybe he just wants money for the subway… who cares. I want to see a protagonist dance nimbly on the line between antagonist and protagonist and be perfectly happy there. I want to see a dark hero who doesn’t really care about the value of human life, or society’s rules. I want someone who is openly an atheist. And if he regularly blasted organized religion, that would be awesome. A dead pan sense of humor would be a nice touch too. But his apathy would not extend to animals. He would be super caring of animals. Kind toward them. He would put their lives above the humans. And I don’t know, make him fight crime, or save the planet somehow. That would be a show I would watch regularly. But there aren’t any of those shows out there. All the shows out there are reality shows, or some variant rehash of the family oriented show. That is why I don’t watch television. And don’t even get me started on reality programming. WHY would I want to watch scripted drama on tv? I LIVE reality almost EVERY DAY. It all ties in together, see this is why I hate people.

Synthesized Percussion

Tuna and peanut butter. That is what I'm eating. And it is GOOOOOD. Don't judge me. Actually, I don't care... judge me all you want. Yep, with posts like that, this blog is aptly named. Every time I add something to this thing, I can't help but be reminded that most likely, this will be read by NO ONE. So what am I doing? Typing to myself? Pretending to type to someone else? What's the deal? There has to be some Freudian psychology at work there. somewhere.



So I have been in a funk lately. Thanks to a certain annual event, I'm looking at you New Year's Eve! But I am slowly emerging. I got back in to the gym on my regular routine this week... it's funny how only taking a week off can really fuck up your progress. But who is to say? Maybe a little time off is good. My ultimate goal is muscle confusion, so it sounds reasonable that would work as well as anything. Keep 'em guessing, LOL. I am sore all over. I love it. It's a great feeling. Hurts to stretch though, LOL but I have this great tight feeling in mah belleh!!!!



So "God of Wine" just came up in the shuffle on my ipod. I love that song. That and "Sometime Around Midnight" seem to be two songs that are very descriptive of my life right now. Good workout songs. But when I start screaming, people do look at me funny and the staff comes over and asks me to keep it down and all that jazz... I actually half expect them to throw me out. I can add that to my list of accomplishments.



All for now. Computer: lights out. ... why didn't that work?

Same damn demon from yesterday...

First off, if you know the song that line is from, you win +10 internets. I've never met anyone else who has heard that song. The band was a one hit wonder, but it was a great hit.

So, this blog... it is somewhat of a conundrum. I like the idea of it, I like the look of it, the purpose, however... I'm not so sure about. The purpose of a blog is to post one's thoughts, feelings, possibly his/her ruminations ... but that fly's in the face of everything that is Scorpio. It is against the grain of a Scorpio, so to speak, to openly and without hesitation share personal information with strangers. And yes I know, as I have stated before, it is highly unlikely that anyone will be reading this, still... it's out there...for the world to read, should they want to. So... what then? Do I exercize my need to emote by posting those entries online? Do I just not acknowledge it, effectively suppressing my emotions? Incidentally, the notion that if you bottle stuff up eventually you will be a ticking timebomb and you will explode - it's just a notion. At least that is my experience. I used to bottle stuff up all the time. Suppress it. Push it down, deny it existence. I never... well I did erupt on someone once, but that was different... wasn't because of any suppression or bottling.

Hey, want to see the difference 4 days can make?

Release


You say I see things
From afar I see you
you say I know things,
that I know what it is to be you

but I wonder do you know?
Is your chaos too distracting
For you to notice that which is me?

I imagined life without you
That world is lonely dark and quiet
I want to share with you the music of my soul
I want you to come with me and we can run riot

I want every day of yours
Every second, every minute every hour
But I know I need to be a patient man
It’s a constant struggle and drains my power

For you my words flow free
Whether that’s good or bad I don’t know
If I can just beat the demons back for a time
Maybe then I’ll have something to show

Shane 12.27.2010


And 4 days later...


Release II


You couldn’t see
You didn’t care
You weren’t concerned
With trying to be fair

Your reasons were vague
You were not clear
Something about work and family
For you there were no tears

It’s like I never existed
I was never in your life
You just walked away
With no fuss and no strife

I’m sorry for the inconvenience
I’m sorry you had to try
To make yourself believe
In feelings that were a lie

These words exist now
To help me ease the pain
They coat and soothe my soul
Like a warm summer rain

You’ll never know
And I don’t expect you to understand
How I truly felt about you
Or the love that was slain by your hand

Shane 12.31.2010

"I don't feel the sun's coming out today, staying in, gonna find another way..." Yes, it's a line from a great blind melon song, "Change". But more importantly, it is music. Obvious statement, I realize, but something was made apparent to me this morning on my drive in to work. A mini-epiphany, if you will. I'm not a fortune-teller, or some kind of ancient oracle or seer. I don't know what the future holds for anyone, so I'm writing from my perspective, regarding my interests, and concerns. I believe, in a prospective mate, it is imperative for me to find someone who not only appreciates music, but has her own list of "special" songs, for whom the lyrics have powerful meanings. I never really even thought about this, until I experienced it. I recently went through a whirlwind clusterfuck of a "relationship" of sorts, in which this happened - the girl was proficient in her choice of music and why she chose the songs she chose. That lent itself to be a common ground for her and I. Ultimately, in this instance, it doesn't matter because she is gone now. But for future reference, it is important to me.

Which brings me to another point. What the fuck am I doing? With this blog. This whole effort? Seriously, there is LITERALLY no one who will be reading this but me. Therefore, one has to ask, what purpose does it serve? If not to play the part of "performer" on the world stage of the internet, what function does something like t his serve? Is it some sort of therapeutic device to help cope with life? Is it some kind of cry for attention? I mean if you think about it, one could say it is that - a cry for attention. Except for the odds.... in order for this to be some kind of cry for attention, there would have to be a possibility of someone seeing this besides myself. And while technically possible, the odds of someone searching google for "abstract scorpio blog" or something remotely close to that, make anyone else seeing this post or any post I create, remote and improbable.